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  • zd

    Smell even sweeter. Smell sweeter still. Too much alliteration. I will smell more sweetly. But is it possible? Perhaps, up to and including the age of four. Here, we have the notion of change and progression and of irreversible alteration intruding into what was meant to be a purely cyclical movement, seasonal return, return of the traveller.
    Not to worry, rose
    You'll smell sweeter still
    Next year.

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    28.07.2007. (15:48)    -   -   -   -  

  • laughing granny

    The hwhat of a hwhat?? With due respect to all your sweet and by lg highly appreciated qualities as per zd, "you'll smell sweeter still" contains no less alliteration than the original - you actually introduce a new example of your own!
    As to the rest of the comment, why we would substitute "whan I return" with "next year" I couldn't possibly fathom, especially considering the syllable count in the suggested version being a very odd 5-5-2!

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    28.07.2007. (19:29)    -   -   -   -  

  • zd

    Well, yes, I said that that version had too much alliteration. Still, I put it in. The point was really sweeter, as against sweetly.
    When I return is your optimism; my pessimism is next year, ie, whether "I" am here or not. With the question hanging in the air - will I really return next year?

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    29.07.2007. (10:21)    -   -   -   -  

  • Dor

    Ponajprije bi, u ovom slučaju, čini nam se, trebalo raspravljati o tome koliko je prikladan i svrsishodan pridjev sladak, a koliko, pak, opojan ili neodoljiv ako je riječ o cvijetu koji miriše? Jer, mirisi, kako svi znamo, pripadaju osjetilu njuha, a slador, slatkoća – osjetilu okusa. Stoga bi ovaj oblik pridjeva (komparativ) slađe mogao lijepo funkcionirati i u ovako koncipiranu haiku:
    zbogom, ružo
    bit ćeš još slađa
    kad ti se vratim

    avatar

    29.07.2007. (10:55)    -   -   -   -  

  • Y

    ma chere, n'importe quoi, n'importe qu'on est filles nous deux, la syntaxe de zd me plait mieux.
    le mec sait ecrire et contredire, pas fait seulement pour la cuisine
    meni su najjace kaljace...

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    29.07.2007. (13:25)    -   -   -   -  

  • laughing granny

    @zd - "well, yes ... still I put it in."..."next year" ... "optimism against pessimism"?? Just who is asking the "question that's hanging in the air"? Certainly not the readers! And what does the return of the rose's admirer in this poem have to do with next year? The rose will be in full bloom again in the autumn, if you're talking about cyclical events in nature. Surely you can do better than that, zd, come on ... if you do criticism, do it properly, and we'll all enjoy it.
    @Dor, hvala na prijedlozima - opojan je dobar pridjev, možda ću ga promijeniti. Što se haiku prijedloga tiče, ritam mu ne štima (broj slogova u njemu iznosi 4-5-5). U svakom slučaju, očito je da slatkoća ovdje bode u oči, to treba mijenjati.
    @o zd-u više gore, ali kako si pogodila s čizmama! Prva verzija ovog haiku glasila je:

    grow, my rose
    when I return the boots
    will fit me well

    Pusa, v

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    31.07.2007. (01:47)    -   -   -   -  

  • Kai, Sweden

    May I venture a haiku as well:

    Do not worry, rose
    my boots are just
    for walking

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    31.07.2007. (01:52)    -   -   -   -  

  • Dor

    Predlaže ovaj dopunjeni komentar:

    Ponajprije bi, u ovom slučaju, čini nam se, trebalo raspravljati o tome koliko je prikladan i svrsishodan pridjev sladak, a koliko, pak, opojan ili neodoljiv ako je riječ o cvijetu koji miriše? Jer, mirisi, kako svi znamo, pripadaju osjetilu njuha, a slador, slatkoća – osjetilu okusa. Stoga bi ovaj oblik pridjeva (komparativ) slađe mogao lijepo funkcionirati i u ovako koncipiranu haiku:

    zbogom, ružo
    bit ćeš još slađa
    kad ti se vratim

    Ali, ne predaji se, slobodni pjesnikov duše, na sve pravo imaš što je u tvojoj domeni! A u njoj, u toj ti je domeni sve, ama baš sve - do beskraja nebeskih prostranstava! Stoga, uistinu “ne brini, ružo, / mirisat ćeš još slađe” netom ti se vrati onaj koji te, osjetivši te i mirisnu, i slatku, prenio u ovaj neodoljivi haiku …

    avatar

    02.07.2008. (05:02)    -   -   -   -  

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