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    2 4 6 8 Motorway
    First I had pills which blew my digestive tract apart. I put it down to my being unused to them. In life I took mostly only two types: andol and aspirin, depending on whether I had fever or a headache. The rest were an exception.
    My dearest, after N resolutely took me off chemicals, tried the classic approach – good old Normabel. Not as a self-prescribed therapy, but just a one-off, so I would calm down after something very alarming. I took 2 mg of the said Normabel, (dose for the pregnant and infants) and overslept for 16 hours.
    When I finally came to N with all the tests results, he gave me Moditen. This was no laughing matter, it stoned my schizophrenic neighbour. I agree to take anything, but evil never rests and before long my hands began to shake like a drunk, and my neck was cramped as though I hauled a wagon by my teeth.
    Then he stops it and gives me something else. Fine, now my neck is again at peace! But my jaws are too relaxed and I begin dribbling like a baby. Stupidly, you don’t feel it. Dearest comes into the bedroom and when she sees me, she nearly cries. What the hell, I’m all right, I think to myself. Yes, I am, only from the corner of my lips saliva is dribbling. And how could it not be when I am asleep all the time, when I lie down, and when I sit, and still when I walk.
    I am furious about that!
    N is persistent: it is a matter of biology. Either with him or against him. Without treatment I go straight to the devil, my every day will be like the days of attack.
    Cooperate, just cooperate.
    N gave me Seroquel under the table. The latest generation of antipsychotics. He is really a dealer, the pharmaceutical industry can shake hands with narcobosses. Starting with a quarter, then with half, then with a whole dose, increasing gradually over some ten days.
    And look at me: colourful dreams, somewhat sluggish, I sleep two shifts a day… but I write a blog and can go on short walks to improve my appetite
    They did not lock me up!
    They just locked up my nervous system a bit
    A chemical straitjacket is bearable.

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    18.05.2007. (16:50)    -   -   -   -  

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