15.09.2004., srijeda
cold heritage
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oj...evo ustvari krenuh da nastavim pisati nesto sto sam pocela prije par sedmica,al ne da mi se...nemogu...nemam ni volje da zapisem sve ono sto imam u glavi...al vazno je to da sam se nakanila da bilo sta pisem,jer mi je to potrebno sad...kad god se osjecam lose,sjednem i pisem nesto bezveze...to je tako kad nemam s kim razgovarati,pa to pisanje dodje kao razgovor sa sobom...i ponekad je to dobro...u zadnje vrijeme mi je samoca cak i prijala...pred raspust sam rijetko kad bila u skoli...uvijek bih dosla do skole ujutro,pogledala je,pogledala sve one likove koji stoje tu,cekaju da zvoni za pocetak glupog casa,i misle na ko zna kakve gluposti,koje su im se dogodile taj dan,ili koje se trebaju dogoditi...i pomislila bih da ja i sve te osobe nemamo nista zajednicko,sve te prazne dushe,sve te jednostavnije licnosti od mene,ne zasluzuju moju paznju,moje prisustvo,niti moje sazaljenje...niti ja zasluzujem da se spustam na taj nivo da provodim vrijeme s njima,samo jer sam previse ljena i podlozna uticju drustva...ne,ja sam sebe smatrala drugacijom!to je u stvari oduvijek tako bilo,ali tih posljednjih mjeseci pogotovo...onda bih se samo okrenula,bez rijeci...znala sam po citav dan izostajati s nastave,a da mi razredna sve opravda(zasto?!ne znam...uvijek sam imala neke odredjene privilegije kod porfesora,vjerovali su mi,i ne bih rekla da su me postovali,ali...vjerovali su da cu nekad zaraditi njihovo postovanje...medjutim,ja sam u to vec davno prestala vjerovati)...cesto bih lutala sama gradom...ili njegovom periferijom tacnije...naseljenim i ne naseljenim djelovima,ali u glavnom bih isla tamo gdje me niko ne poznaje,ili gdje nema puno ljudi...nisam podnosila kontakt s ljudima,ni njihove poglede,niti osjecaj koji sam imala kad prodjem pored nekoga...psiholozi bi to nazvali "paranojom"...uvijek sam imala osjecaj da taj koji prolazi upravo pored mene,iz samo jednog pogleda,iz samo jednog uzdaha koji cuje u tom trenutku,iz samo jednog mog pokreta koji osjeti,moze zakljuciti sve o meni...moze znati ko sam,sta sam,i sta upravo radim...bjezim,ne sa casa,nego od svega...cesto sam znala sjediti ispod nekog drveta...Bogu iza nogu(kako kazu),s nekom knjigom i cigarom...ponekad i nekim picem...pivo,vodka...kako kad...zavisno od toga kolko sam love imala,i odjednom pocne padati kisa...rijetko kad bih se pomakla s mjesta...par puta sam pokisla do gole koze tako,ali...moram priznati dobro bi mi doslo to...medjutim,cesci su bili slucajevi kad sam bez prebijene pare,sva u crnom na 36 stepeni celziusevih lutala,kuhala se,ne obracajuci paznju na to kuda cu krenuti,niti dal je na semaforu crveno ili zeleno...tih par mjeseci su predstavljali u isto vrijeme moju duhovnu smrt,ali i rodjenje...ne znam to objasniti...sve rijeci koje covjekov(po mom misljenju)nikad dovoljeno razvijen,um poznaje,nisu dovolje da bi se mogla sklopiti i jedna recenica,koja ima smisla,o tom mom tadasnjem stanju...nekad mi je samoca prijala...i onda...onda je doslo razdoblje kada sam pocela shvatati da mi samoca prija,samo zato jer nemam drugog izbora...siromasnom covjeku je obican hljeb carsko jelo,a bogat se ne bi zasitio time bez nekih dodataka...ja nisam imala nista vise osim te samoce...ne zato sto mi to zivot nije pruzio,ne zato sto nisam imala priliku da dobijem vise,nego zato sto zivim previse sama za sebe,u svom nekom svjetu,i sto me to cini sljepom...iduci period je bio prilicno drugaciji...pocela sam samu sebe tjerati da radim nesto za svoje dusevno dobro...da izlazim cesce,da se druzim s ljudima,pokusam prihvatati ih kao cjelovite osobe,na istom,ili cak visem nivou nego sto sam ja,a ne kao bica koja postoje samo da bi me podsjecale na to da populacija,drustvo,zajednica,nije samo jedan covjek,ali da ona ne bi ni postojala bez tih zasebnih jedinki...istina,pocela sam onda shvatati da jedinke moraju biti u nekom odnosu,da bi se to moglo nazvati zajednicom...i sve je bilo "super"...drustvo...u kuci...pokusala sam shvatati i prihvatati tudje mane,ali i svoje,pokusala sm biti strpljiva,i senzibilna...pokusala...i jedno vrijeme mi je dobro islo...sa starom sam odnos bila popravila skroz...postovala sam to sto ona ima ponekad los dan,a i ona je postovala sto ja imam svoj svjet...bar neko vrijeme...i onda je sve opet krenulo po starom...sa starim drustvom ponovo razgovaram,provodim vrijeme s njima...ali,u sustini ja sam tu,ali i nisam...fizicki sam prisutna,i odgovaram na pitanja,ponekad cak ucestvujem i aktivno u razgovoru,ali se uglavnom izvlacim na to da upravo jedem,citam nesto,ili pjevam...tako se iskljucim djelomicno iz njihovog svjeta,ali sam ipak na neki nacin prisutna...shvatila sam da je to najbolji metod,i da ipak moram da ih trpim,bar jjos dvije godine...ali i oni mene!mene nije lahko trpiti,ja to znam...svjesna sam toga vec neko vrijeme...nekad...da,nekad sam bila takva osoba sa kojom su svi voljeli izlaziti i druziti se...ali danas...danas me samo ljudi koji to moraju prihvataju....jednim djelom je to ok...ne smeta mi bas...osim kod nekih osoba...ali,ipak imam(za razliku od onog perioda kad sam bila potpuno sama,i lutala gradom)tih par svojih osoba,koje su ipak sa mnom,bez obzira na moe raspolozenje,i shvataju to...i to je dobro..svakom e je nekad potrebno to neko mjesto,bilo ono realno ili zamisljeneo,na koje moze otici i iskljuciti se na neko vrijeme iz ovog svjeta...ponekad bih stvarno voljela da mogu samo malo iskljuciti svoj mozak,svoju svjest i podsvjest,samo malo...da ne mislim ni na sta...samo da malo ne osjecam nista,ne vidim i ne cujem,ne mislim...samo malo da se odmorim od svega...ali to ne ide...i evo...nemoze bez toga proci,naravno...opet slusam pjesmu cold heritage...nisam namjestila,po playlisti je sad ona na redu(imam u playlisti 250 pjesama...)i naravno opet me ubije...ali,ovaj put...ovaj put necu da placem,necu da tugujem,necu...ili to bar necu pokazati...ujutro idem u skolu,kad se vratim poradit cu po kuci,onda uciti i uraditi sto trebam za skolu,nakon toga pisati neke gluposti po wordu,da li pjesme,ili jos jednu stranicu dnevnika,ili cu malo cistiti memoriju,nakon toga uraditi svoje standardne vjezbe...trbusne i sklekove...pustiti standardnu playlistu,ugasiti monitor...i leci spavati...kao i svaki dan, s razlikom sto sam prije znala docekati zoru budna,a sada to ne zelim...sanjam,na srecu ne onoliko gorzne,ali ipak losije snove...samo ih se na srecu,cim ustanem vise ne sjecam...vise mi je svejedno,donots-i kazu"goodbye rutine",a kod mene je "welcome rutine" ili receno rjecima mog dragog domaceg benda SKROZ "dobro mi dosli,dosada,alkohol,cigare... bolje te nasli,zajedno protracili dane..." |
- 23:18 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #
Dnevnik.hr |
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no name-just pain
    (ta 'pomenuta' scena iz filma 'sanjari')     Bendovi(i artisti) koje volim i cije cd-ove i mp3-ce trenutno forsiram maximalno Aqualung Tonic Turtles Blur Sufjan Stevens Adam green Oasis Imogine heep Jive Eles dios malos doves ellen ten dammme Dido Nelly furtado Negativ Juli sentenced iced earth nirvana placebo anathema lost prophets evanescence on thorns i lay lacuna coil guano apes alanis morisette papa roach(lovehatetragedy-u znak dobrih starih vremena:-)) van gogh i et...to e to trenutno... TRENUTNO CITAM 11 Minuta - citam... Choices - Nancy Toder - procitano Wien um 1900-procitano Oliver twist-na citanju Demijan—precitavam po ko zna koji put Tajna veza-procitana Zamka za snove-S.King=procitano Ponornica-S.Kulenovic-procitan kabinet cudesa-procitano linearni grad-nikako da dovrsim a nema ni 100 strana radije uzmi moga brata(njem.)-procitano citadela-cronin- procitano misterije svijeta-davno predjeno g.g.marquez-ljubav u doba kolere-nikad procitala et...tolko za sad... ...Sweet child in time you'll see the line The line that's drawn between the good and the bad See the BLIND man shooting at the world Bullets flying taking toll If you've been bad, Lord I bet you have And you've not been hit by flying lead You'd better close your eyes and bow your head And wait for the ricochet... evo mojih dosadasnjih googlizama...tj.kako me ljudi nadjose na googlu... -ocu ajvar za cevape(???) -bol u ledjima kod djece -nazif gljiva.mp3(e ovaj mi je najkrvaviji bez sumnje) -Lyrics-sheeter feat.amy lee -blog sam uradila -pjesma za spavanje -jajacki izbori -dnevnik jedne teenager-ke -hand made nakit -pearl jam-voice for change -lektire za malu raju -bajke -srebrenicani slike(obratiti se gdniu Amoru Masovicu,a ne meni...) Guns'n'Roses-Don't Cry If we could see tomorrow What of your plans No one can live in sorrow Ask all your friends Times that you took in stride They're back in demand I was the one who's washing Blood off your hands Don't you cry tonight I still love you baby Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight I know the things you wanted They're not what you have With all the people talkin' It's drivin' you mad If I was standin' by you How would you feel Knowing your love's decided And all love is real An don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight I thought I could live in your world As years all went by With all the voices I've heard Something has died And when you're in need of someone My heart won't deny you So many seem so lonely With no one left to cry to baby An don't you cry tonight An don't you cry tonight An don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry Don't you ever cry Don't you cry tonight Baby maybe someday Don't you cry Don't you ever cry Don't you cry Tonight Cold Heritage-Lacuna Coil Don't tell me why I'm so near to commit a crime When I stay alone here in front of you (I'm here) Illusion falls when you're not honest about the way I feel I know I need only your voice Saving all my words only for you Forgive me Saving all my words only for you I don't know why There's a limit to defy With the vision of the future at my feet (I'm here) The night embrace me while The picture simply blows me away I feel I'll need only your voice And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me Believe the light in me And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me Reveal the light in me Saving all my words only for you Forgive me And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me Believe the light in me And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me I've never, never felt myself this way before And I want to leave with my tears If you'll disappear Believe in the light in me Saving all my words only for you Forgive me Falling on me knees only for you Forgive me Bosnia-the Crannberries I would like to state my vision Life was so unfair We live in our secure surroundings And people die out there Bosnia, was so unkind Sarejevo, change my mind And we all call out in despair All the love we need isn't there And we all sing songs in our room Sarejevo erects another tomb Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Bosnia, was so unkind Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Bosnia, was so unkind Sure, things would change If we really wanted them to No fear for children anymore There are babies in their beds Terror in their heads For the love of life! When do the saints go marching in? When do the saints go marching in? When do the saints go marching in? When do the saints go marching in? Rummmpatipum, Rummmpatipum... Traboo, Traboo, Traboo... Watching Over Me-Iced Earth I had a friend many years ago One tragic night he died The saddest time of my life For weeks and weeks I cried Through the anger and through the tears I've felt his spirit through the years I'd swear, He's watching me Guiding me through hard times (chorus) I feel it once again It's overwhelming me His spirit's like the wind The angel guarding me Oh, I know, oh, I know He's watching over me Oh, I know, oh, I know He's watching over me We shared dreams like all best friends Blood brothers at the age of ten We lived reckless, he paid the price But why? Why did he have to die? It still hurts me to this day Am I selfish for feeling this way? I know he's an angel now Together we'll be someday I feel it once again It's overwhelming me His spirit's like the wind The angel guarding me Oh, I know, oh, I know He's watching over me Oh, I know, oh, I know He's watching over Shinead O'Connor-Nothing Compares To You It's been seven hours and fifteen days since you took your love away I go out every night and sleep all day since you took your love away since you've been gone I can do whatever I want I can see whomever I choose I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant but nothing I said nothing can take away these blues, 'cause nothing compares nothing compares to you It's been so lonely without you here like a bird without a song nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling tell me baby where did I go wrong? I could put my arms round every boy I see but they'd only remind me of you I went to the doctor guess what he told me guess what he told me he said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do but he's a fool 'cause nothing compares nothing compares to you All the flowers that you planted momma in the backyard all died when you went away I know that living with you, baby, was sometimes hard but I'm willing to give it another try nothing compares Vader-Whisper Jaunting on maps of our bodies We wandering through vastness of inner and outer space Through and through Immersed in love of will. I am laying on my back And gazing at inky black sky Serpent shapes Moves of your hands The mind is burning Drowned in carnal desires Inflowing pictures Visions of dead world Fancy visions of dead world Gives me shiver when You caresses my body Emptiness beyond We are alone on this earth And all treasures of the world Belong to us The sacrilege of love And sacrificial love Weals are wandering on your skin You are wielding my sword This is the greatest gift We received from mother Earth So let's play this game Bodies surrounded by fire And envy of stars Stimulation of every part Of mind, body and soul Our never-ending ritual Will always go on Like war never ends Like fall always comes Like stars are shining On nightly sky Our love of will Will go on To eternal death Of the human world.
painkillers cooperated
Imaginary-Evanescence i linger in the doorway of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name let me stay where the wind will whisper to me where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story in my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby i lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me don't say i'm out of touch with this rampant chaos - your reality i know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge the nightmare i built my own world to escape in my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby i lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me swallowed up in the sound of my screaming cannot cease for the fear of silent nights oh how i long for the deep sleep dreaming the goddess of imaginary light dreaming my dreams-the Crannberries All the things you said to me today Changed my perspective in every way These things count to mean so much to me Into my faith you and your baby It's out there 3x If you want me I'll be here It's out there 3x If you want me I'll be here I'll be dreaming my dreams with you And there's no other place That I'd lay down my face I'll be dreaming my dreams with you It's out there 3x If you want me I'll be here 2X I'll be dreaming my dreams with you And there's no other place That I'd lay down my face I'll be dreaming my dreams with you oceans-On Thorns I Lay In the magic mirror of my soul, I stare at the person that I love, It's the magical carpet on which, I travel on the erebus, In the land of fairy tales So I close my eyes again Feeling so lonely in the rain The mother of sunrise gives hope She can fly me over green fields And... The great oceans away from Days of hatred and despair... I saw immortal roses And a gold field with giant trees That shined immensely... I saw ancient walls and palaces everywhere... Amidst ancient gardens and magical trees... So I close my eyes again... Whit Bitterness and Joy-Sentenced It has now spread itself all over inside me all the way to the brain and down to my knees My time comes closer with each day it lets me see - with each night the pain keeps me from sleep Life has given me much - maybe taken more but those good times were always worth waiting for When it's time for goodbyes I will leave grieving and yet so relieved with bitterness and joy Pleasure and pain; Heaven and Hell - my memories What a long and strange trip this has been for me What a short and strange life this has been It has given me much - maybe taken more but those good times were always worth waiting for When it's time to take leave of this world I will leave with bitterness and joy What a long and strange trip this has been for me What a short and strange life this has been It has given me much - maybe taken more but those good times were always worth waiting for When it's time for goodbyes I will leave grieving and yet so relieved with bitterness and joy Life has given me much - maybe taken more but those good times were always worth waiting for When it's time to take leave of this world I will leave with bitterness and joy Nothing Else Matters-Metallica So close no matter how far couldn't be much more from the heart forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters never opened myself this way life is ours, we live it our way all these words I don't just say and nothing else matters yea, trust I seek and I find in you every day for us something new open mind for a different view and nothing else matters never cared for what they do never cared for what they know and I know so close no matter how far couldn't be much more from the heart forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters never cared for what they do never cared for what they know and I know never opened myself this way life is ours, we live it our way all these words I don't just say trust I seek and I find in you every day for us something new open mind for a different view and nothing else matters never cared for things they say never cared for games they play I never cared for what they do I never cared for what they know and I know yea, yea, yea so close no matter how far couldn't be much more from the heart forever trusting who we are no nothing else matters Skid Row-Slave To The Grind You got me forced to crack my lids in two I'm still stuck inside the rubber room I gotta punch the clock that leads the blind I'm just another gear in the assembly line-oh no The noose gets tighter around my throat But I ain't at the end of my rope CHORUS 'Cause I won't be the one left behind Can't be king of the world If you're slave to the grind Tear down the rat racial slime Can't be king of the world if you're slave to the grind. Get it? A routine injection, a lethal dose But my day in the sun ain't even close There's no need to waste your prayers on me You better mark my words 'cause I'm history. Yes indeed You might beg for mercy to get by But I'd rather tear this thorn from my side CHORUS They swallowed their daggers by turning their trick They tore my intentions apart brick by brick I'm sick of the jive You talk verbal insecticide CHORUS I said slave to the grind Slave to the grind Slave to the grind |
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