Sergeant HARTMAN walks down the line to another recruit, a tall, overtweight boy.

HARTMAN
Did your parents have any
children that lived?

PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN
I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly
you could be
a modern art masterpiece! What's
your name, fatbody?

PYLE
Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!

HARTMAN
Lawrence?
Lawrence, what, of Arabia?

PYLE
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN
That name sounds like royalty!
Are you royalty?

PYLE
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN
Do you suck dicks?

PYLE
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN
Bullshit! I'll bet you
could suck a golf ball
through a garden hose!

PYLE
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN
I don't like the name Lawrence!
Only faggots
and sailors are called Lawrence!
From now on you're Gomer Pyle!

~ JCW, JBW, J