ŠALA MALA

Response to Revocation of Independence
>
> To: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
>
> From: George Walker Bush
> President, United States of America
>
> Re: Offer of Revocation of Independence
>
> Cc: Dick Cheney, Vice President, United States of America
> Bill Gates, Chairman, Microsoft Corporation
>
> Your Majesty,
>
> Thank you for your kind offer to revoke our independence. It
> is comforting to know that our former colonial masters are thinking of
> our well being during our recent time of trouble. This is a welcomed
> change from your behavior when you were last running things over here.
>
> As kind as the offer is, I must respectfully decline. It would
> not be in the best interest of the United States, or my personal
> legacy, for us to be once again ruled by a nation whose top culinary
> achievement is fish 'n chips.
>
> Instead, I wish to inform you that the United States is
> undertaking a leveraged buyout of the British Isles. This takeover is
> being done with the help of our good friends at the Microsoft
> Corporation. It is part of a settlement of the recent anti-trust
> lawsuit whose appeals would otherwise have dragged on for much of the
> century.
>
> After the completion of the buyout, the United States will
> take possession of the United Kingdom and Ireland. As your new
> overlords, we will then undertake the following actions:
>
> 1. The government will be dissolved. Ireland and England will
> be given non-voting representation in the U.S. Congress, a status on
> par with Puerto Rico, Guam, the District of Columbia...and, in case
> you forgot, the American Colonies in Parliament.
>
> 2. Scotland will hereby be known as "Gatesland." Kilts will be
> outlawed.
>
> 3. Loch Ness will be drained so we can finally figure out what
> the hell is down there.
>
> 4. The monarchy will be immediately abolished and all royal
> properties and possessions sold at auction. You and your family will
> have to actually work for a living.
>
> 5. Northern Ireland will be physically cut out of the British
> Isles using satellite-based lasers developed for the Star Wars
> program. The Atlantic fleet will then tow the new island to a location
> 50 miles due north of Iceland, where it will remain until such time as
> its leaders learn to get along.
>
> 6. Baseball and football will replace cricket and "football."
> Cricket is too confusing, and you guys were never very good at
> "football," anyway. I mean, it's your national sport, and the last
> time you won the World Cup was in what...1966? We won one last year.
>
> 7. You will start driving on the right side of the road. The
> change will take place at exactly 725 a.m. on the first non-holiday
> Monday following the takeover. You are not to make the change even a
> minute earlier, nor a minute later.
>
> 8. You will immediately revert to American spelling and
> measurements. Program has one "m," color no "u," and double quotation
> marks are required unless it's a quote within a quote. To assist, we
> will issue everyone a copy of "Elements of Style." There will be a
> quiz in 6 months. Metric measurements are hereby abolished.
> Thirty-five degrees just does not sound very hot; 95 degrees does. Not
> that it ever gets that warm over there.
>
> 9. The Spice Girls will be arrested and imprisoned in the
> Tower of London. A new all-American lineup will feature:
>
> Hot Spice Jennifer Lopez
> Domestic Goddess Spice Roseanne Barr
> Brainy Spice Cindy Crawford
> Anorexic Spice Calista Flockhart
> Irritating Spice Dennis Rodman
>
> 10. All UK evening news programs will be presented by Daljit
> Dhaliwal. In a bikini.
>
> 11. The American and British armed forces will begin immediate
> preparations for a new invasion of Normandy. Our war slogan will be
> "Free France from the French!" That'll teach 'em to be snooty to us.
>
> Negotiations will begin immediately. If you cooperate, things
> will go very smoothly. If not, this could turn into a hostile
> takeover. Between Bill Gates and the Atlantic Fleet, that could turn
> out to be very ugly. Remember, we've beaten you once before and later
> saved your ass in that sequel to World War I. So, you should feel both
> fearful and grateful.
>
> Please call if you have any questions. I look forward to
> hearing from you shortly.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> George Walker Bush
> President, United States of America