ŠALA MALA

> TO: The Citizens of the United States of America
> RE: Revocation of your Independence
>
> In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and
> thus
> to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
> will
> resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
> territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy much. Your new prime
> minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who
> have
> until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
> appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
> circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
> the
> transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
> introduced
> with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
> reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
> 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
> to
> spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
> affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
> "ize"
> will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
> 'burgh
> is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
> Pittsburgh
> as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
> Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
> "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
> noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
> form
> of communication. Look up "interspersed".
> There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not
> old
> enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
> When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
> language as often.
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf. The Microsoft spell -checker will be adjusted to take account
> of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should
> learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't
> that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or
> Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to
> understand
> regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be
> broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must
> learn
> that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the
> county
> is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States
> will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4.
> Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
> guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
> characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly? or "Red Dwarf"
> will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
> who
> can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
> football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> game.
> The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
> may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
> longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
> difficult
> game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
> (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
> for
> a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
> nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
> 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
> event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
> America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
> your
> borders, your error is understandable.
> Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
> "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
> collector cards or hotdogs.
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
> they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
> is
> a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
> have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no
> longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
> own
> or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
> Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
> dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a
> vegetable
> peeler in public.
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England.
> It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
> own
> good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
> All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
> humour.
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though
> 97.85%
> of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
> aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
> potato
> chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
> animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
> served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
> with
> customers.
>
> 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
> tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
> doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
> 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer
> at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
> referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
> will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
> Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss", with
> the
> exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
> will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss". This will allow
> true
> Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
> Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
> 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
> will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
> former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
> and
> the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
> gallon - get used to it).
>
> 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
> or
> therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
> that
> you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
> adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
> someone
> or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
> gun.
>
> 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
> 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
> to
> ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776.)
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.