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‘Hoćeš li biti sa mnom zauvijek?’ – upitao me Javier.

Kroz glavu mi je projurilo stotinu misli: kako možeš tako nešto pitati? Pa to ne možemo znati ni ti ni ja. Tko zna što nam budućnost nosi. Zasad nam je super zajedno. Volimo se i zadovoljni smo jedan s drugim. Međutim, tko može obećati da ćemo isto osjećati za godinu, dvije, ili pet? Ljudi se mijenjaju, razvijaju, odrastaju... Ono što nam danas odgovara, možda nam neće odgovarati nakon više mjeseci provedenih zajedno. Uostalom, još nismo niti počeli živjeti zajedno. Tko zna kakvi nas problemi još očekuju u zajedničkom životu. Hoćemo li ih moći zajedno prevladati? Obojica smo još u prvim stadijima veze. Obojica još pokušavamo jedan drugoga promijeniti. Još nismo jedan drugog prihvatili ovakve kakvi jesmo. Razmatrati daleku budućnost u ovom trenutku je potpuno besmisleno.

‘Naravno’ – odgovaram sigurno i pun samopouzdanja, shvaćajući da sve moje misli koje su mi projurile glavom njemu ništa ne znače. On traži sigurnost i podršku, i to mu moram pružiti. Nadam se da će veza potrajati. Nema smisla potkopavati je već sada raspravama o besmislenosti obećanja ‘do kraja života'.

Kako protumačiti činjenicu da neki ljudi potpuno izjednačuju ljubav i seks te moraju obje potrebe zadovoljavati s istom osobom, a neki drugi (uključujući niže potpisanog) potpuno razlikuju te dvije stvari i mogu ih bez problema zadovoljavati s različitim osobama. S obzirom koliko su Mick i Javier uporni u svojim stajalištima, pitam se da li se radi o nekom genu koji se kod nekih ljudi uključuje a kod drugih isključuje. Ili je ipak riječ o čisto iskustvenoj osobini pa mogu očekivati da i Mick i Javier nakon nekoliko godina monotone monogamne veze promijene mišljenje i počnu razmišljati o zadovoljstvima izvana?

Basilio premudri odgovara: ”U ovom slučaju skloniji sam teoriji prilagodbe koju si i sam dijelom načeo. Barem je niz razočarenja i prilagodbi obilježio moje sexualno-ljubavno odrastnje. U mojoj davno idealisitički-ovisnoj fazi bio sam sklon izjednačavati sex i ljubav vjerojatno zato jer mi se to činilo najjednostavnijim mogućim rješenjem vječne nedoumice: voli li me netko istinski ili ne. A ovaj niz premisa se činio savim jednostavan: nekoga seksualno privlačim, dakle tome se i sviđam. (Ne) mali problem je u tome što su ove (pre)jednostavno postavljene premise obično dovodile do potpuno krive, upravo banalne konkluzije: taj me dakle voli i s njim ću živjeti dugo i sretno dok nas smrt ne rastavi...

Ovdje mi se čini suvišnim opisivati niz trauma koje su bile posljedica prevelikog pouzdanja u ovu banalnu logiku. Čini mi se važnijim naglasiti moj dojam kako tek mali broj ljudi iz frustrirajućih situacija uspijeva naučiti nešto kvalitetno i izbalansirati idealistička očekivanja i često okrutnu stvarnost. Umjesto toga, većina nastavlja tražiti princa na bijelom konju, i ne zabrinjava se ako nalete samo na konja. Iz nekih (nedokučivih) razloga ne uspijevaju sagledati stvarnost takvu kakva jeste ili je zbog straha niti ne žele sagledati u svoj njenoj "okrutnosti" (a u biti je riječ o realnosti) pa se u nedogled nastavljaju vrtiti u neurotičnom krugu optuživanja drugih i sebe, manijakalnim nadanjima i depresivnim padovima. Većina se pak "prognanih sinova Evinih" (među njima i autor ovog briljantnog teksta) odluči više ili manje "prilagoditi" stvarnosti ili bolje zahtjevima tržista, minimalizirati svoja očekivanja, postati spreman zadovoljiti se tek djelićem onog idealnog, prihvatiti igru takvu kakva jeste, eksperimentirati, biti cool, ne pokazivati previše svoje osjećaje (pogotove ne svoje boli i strahove) nego se svim silama truditi biti uspješan, prpošan, beskrupulozan, u trendu, po mougućnosti bogat i utjecajan. Ovo odustajanje od idela većina bi promatrača jamačno okarakterizirala kao vrlo dobru prilagodbu, razboriti postupak, uspjeh. Odustajanjem od svojih prvotnih idela i prihvaćanjem igre većine time se doduše lišavamo onih dramatičnih konflikata koje učestalo proživljavaju neurotične (ili idealističke) osobe. Ali tim se automatski otvara i pitanje tko je ovdje zdrav, a tko bolestan! Sa stajališta prilagodbe zdravi su oni koji su se prilagodili i postali tražena roba na tržištu "ljubavi", koji se više ne uznemiruju puno oko krahova svojih veza itd. ili oni koji i dalje "svoju zvizdu" slide i žive i u varavim nadanjim da je ispravno ono što osjećaju, za čim čeznu, ostajući dosljedni sebi svim protivštinama usprkos. Ali s etičkog i duhovnog stajališta ostaje pitanje nisu li još neurotičniji oni koji su prilgodbama (skoro) zaboravili tko su (bili) i kamo idu...”

Sve ovo što je napisao mi zvuči strašno! Iako me svrstao u ”prilagođene” tipove, nadam se da ipak nisam na tom nivou i da nikad neću ni biti. ”Mrijeti ti ćeš kad počneš sam u ideale svoje sumnjati...”

Basilio Premudri: "Uistinu «nesto je trulo u državi Danskoj!!» U ovom slučaju «država Danaska» je sinonim za gay-veze. Uz nekoliko tvojih i mojih primjera ovdje bih mogao navesti 1000 sličnih iskustava s kojima se susrećem svakodnvno. Gotovo ne pamtim niti jedan imalo idiličniji odnos koji je potrajao duže od godinu dana. Nakon svega i meni samome ostaje širom otvoreno i nerješivo pitanje što je uzrok takvom nizu loših «veza»: doista protupriorodnost odnosa izmedju dvije osobe istoga spola? Nedostatak socijalne potopre? Muški karakter skoloniji promiskuitetu? Otuđenost takve veze isljučivo na interakciju dvije osobe (dakle, bez djece, svekrva, rodbine)? Posvemašnji nedostatak truda oko poboljšanja komunikacije ili nešto sasvim deseto?"

Nije sve tako crno. Znam ja dosta ljudi koji su u dugogodišnjim stabilnim vezama. Stvar je u tome sto se ne družim s takvim ljudima jer se oni uglavnom druže sa sličnim parovima. Baš sam razmišljao kako ću sad kad sam "sparen" morati potražiti društvo parova poput nas... Svakako je dobro razmijeniti iskustva, pružati podršku i slično. Trebaš imati "support system" kako kažu Ameri. Na kraju krajeva, s kim si takav si. Ako želiš biti bogat, druži se s bogatima. Ako želiš biti u stabilnoj vezi, trebaš se družiti s takvim ljudima, a ne s party animals.

Pritisak društva igra veliku ulogu u održavanju hetero veza (pogotovo brakova). Od parova se očekuje da ostanu zajedno čitav život. U Hrvatskoj je jako bitno što će drugi ljudi reći i misliti, na to me mama non stop podsjeća. U homo vezama koje se drže u tajnosti naravno da takva pritiska nema, naprotiv - raskid nam olakšava život jer se smanjuje količina tajni koje moramo non stop čuvati i paziti da se ne otkrijemo.

S druge strane, kad je riječ o nestabilnosti gay veza, u tome vidim i neke prednosti, a ne samo nedostatke. Naime, mislim da je puno veći problem u str8 vezama to što ljudi ostaju zajedno zbog krivih razloga, pa onda traže utjehu u alkoholu, nevjeri, i slično. Jako je bitno pronaći odgovarajućeg partnera i onda graditi stabilan odnos. Puno ljudi uleti u vezu navrat nanos (ja sam pravi primjer) pa onda ispašta kad se prvotni ushit slegne. U tom slučaju bolje je napustiti brod koji tone nego živjeti u zatvoru. Ja moj brod još ne napuštam (iako pušta na sve strane :-))) Ima nešto jako privlačno i vrijedno u njemu da ga jednostavno ne mogu napustiti. Međutim, činjenica je isto tako da druga strana vage kojom odvagujem dobre i loše strane dobiva na težini...

Javier i ja smo imali doista strašan dan danas. Cijeli dan smo se svađali, skoro smo skočili jedan drugome za vrat. Što je najgore, svađamo se oko sitnica, kao npr. jako nam je teško odlučiti u koji restoran otići jesti, koji film pogledati, i iz toga se izrodi tolika svađa da ne možemo pričati jedan s drugim. Onda ili ja ili on šutimo jer smo depresivni (drama queens!), a drugi pokušava smiriti situaciju. Onda zamijenimo uloge. Pa tako cijeli dan. Malo mi je falilo da ga ne ostavim i ne odem kući, ali sam se bojao da ću se morati vratiti kad ga uhvate njegove depresije. On je razmišljao da krene stricu u Chicago. Sutra se nećemo vidjeti nego ćemo se odmarati jedan od drugoga. Večeras me nazvao telefonom, izvinjavao se i ponavljao kako me voli i da mu već nedostajem. Što je najgore, nedostaje i on meni pa sam i ja ponavljao isto. Koje li patetike!

Nevjerojatno je zapravo koliko me lako on može povrijediti, a isto tako i ja njega. Najčešće je riječ o nesporazumima, pogrešnim interpretacijama, krivom shvaćanju i nerazumijevanju. Ali zbog naših pasivno-agresivnih karaktera i sklonosti preuveličavanju sitnice u trenu narastu u nepremostive probleme. Zaključio sam da možemo lako jedan drugoga povrijediti zato što smo se jako otvorili jedan drugome - a to mi se sviđa. Nadam se samo da se nećemo poklati u ovoj fazi - a jako se nadam da je ovo samo faza a ne početak kraja.

By Susie and Ott Collins

A common issue that gets in the way of having great relationships is Jealousy. We put the issue of Jealousy into two camps.

1) Where one or both partners have broken past commitments and there is jealousy between them. And
2) Where one partner is jealous of their partner and there doesn't seem to be a reason for the jealousy.

This 2nd scenario is the one we will be addressing in this article.

One of the questions we are most frequently asked concerning jealousy goes something like this...

"My partner is extremely jealous (especially of people at work) and there is no reason for him/her to feel this way... please help me to understand what is going on..."

When it comes to someone feeling jealous without apparent cause the number one reason is because of fear.

The person that is jealous may not see it this way or be willing to admit it at first--but at the core of almost all jealousy is a fear that they may lose their partner and their needs for love, friendship and affection will no longer be met.

The second ingredient that is almost always present when someone is jealous in a relationship is a lack of trust.

This can either be a lack of trust in their partner because of past actions or a lack of trust in their partner's ability to make conscious choices and decisions about their conduct when they are with other people.

If your partner says "I trust you but I don't trust the people you work with or other people you socialize with" (exact Javier's words!!!) then you can just translate that to mean "I don't trust your ability to make conscious decisions about your conduct with other people when I'm not there."

If jealousy is an issue that you want to heal in your relationships, the first thing you must do is have the willingness and courage to talk about the issue in a non-judgmental way with each other.

First of all you must define and make clear what your commitments and agreements are to each other. Talk with each other about ways that can allow the jealous partner to feel more secure. Then create conscious agreements for how you will act in situations that could feel threatening to the one who is jealous.

Early in our relationship, one of the things that we agreed to do in social situations was to occasionally make eye contact with each other throughout the evening. For us, creating and following through on this agreement built trust between us and helped dissolve the jealousy issue before it became a bigger problem.

Another thing that has been helpful when we are working with people on issues surrounding jealousy is to encourage them to become more conscious of the patterns from previous relationships that they may be repeating in their current relationship.

Sometimes a person in a relationship may be jealous of their partner and it may have nothing to do with the reality of their present relationship. If this is the case, healing can take place when they recognize that the feelings they have that are triggering jealousy are about previous relationships and not the present one.

No matter what the reason for the jealous feelings, fear is at the bottom of it.

In dealing with your fears surrounding jealousy, it's important to recognize where fear comes from.

We've heard that fear is an acronym for:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

If there's no legitimate reason for the jealousy, we suggest that you and your partner spend some time and look at where the fears are coming from that have brought up the jealous feelings. Then create a strategy for how you will deal with these feelings in the future.

by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.

What Is Irrational Jealousy?
Frequently, I am asked how to handle irrational jealous feelings. Usually, the individual recognizes that her feelings are unreasonable with no valid evidence but feels incapable of controlling the jealousy. In addition, the person usually recognizes the destructive nature of indulging in the feelings and the resulting behavior. Such behavior typically involves excessive questioning of her spouse, suspiciousness, and accusations. Many spouses become extremely frustrated with this behavior because they have no way of proving their faithfulness. This leads to an escalating cycle of anger which is used as further evidence by the jealous spouse that her suspicions are correct.

The jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable. He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel better. The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never be proven; it can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief that something is true. Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love.

One of the most difficult things for human beings, in general, is not knowing something with 100% certainty. We are often afraid to trust because we are fearful of disappointment and hurt. Therefore, we go through extreme contortions to try to protect ourselves from the possibility of loss and pain. Yet, these attempts to protect ourselves may actually be the means with which we destroy that which we are trying to preserve. In other words, a woman may eventually destroy her marriage because she is too fearful to take the chance of trusting that her husband is faithful. As a result, she causes the loss and pain that she was trying to prevent.

What Causes Irrational Jealousy?
For a person to learn to control jealousy, it is first important to understand what underlies the irrational thinking. Frequently, an individual who is prone to jealousy may have problems with low self-esteem, feelings of insecurity, fear of vulnerability, or fear of abandonment.

A person with low self-esteem may feel so undeserving of being loved, that he can't believe that his spouse could possibly remain faithful to him. Perhaps these feelings stem from some abusive past relationship in which he was unloved and made to believe that he was at fault. For instance, if a teenager is told, "If only you were more like your brother, then maybe you could get a girlfriend" he comes to believe that there is something wrong with him. Many times we are given messages, some subtle and some not-so-subtle, as we are growing up that shape our beliefs about ourselves.

Feelings of insecurity may stem from the low self-esteem or may be related to instances in which we have previously been hurt. The same is true with fear of abandonment. When we have experienced profound loss from which we haven't had an opportunity to recover, we may develop an extreme fear and avoidance reaction to similar circumstances. However, as indicated earlier, this avoidance may bring about the abandonment that we fear.

A fear of vulnerability is the inability to let our guard down, to let another person know us completely. This fear usually derives from a fear of rejection due to the belief that if we let someone else truly know us, we will ultimately be rejected. Again, the fallacy in this belief, is that if we don't allow our spouse to know us, if we don't allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are preventing the development of emotional intimacy which is essential to any relationship.

Emotional intimacy is the most important type of intimacy in a relationship. It is required for the relationship to fully mature. Without it, all we have is the initial surface attraction to the other person which cannot be maintained indefinitely. However, when we find emotional intimacy with another person, we discover the most intensely fulfilling experience that exists. And that is, the full acceptance of our self by another person. I know some people may argue with me and say that "the most intensely fulfilling experience that exists" is our relationship with God. The reason I say that it is the development of emotional intimacy with another person, is because acceptance from God is a given and doesn't require as much of a risk.

Finally, the individual needs to determine if there are certain behaviors from herself or from her spouse that may contribute to the development of these fears and beliefs. For instance, perhaps a spouse is reluctant to share personal information because he will then be subject to questioning and accusations. As a result, emotional intimacy in the relationship declines. The person who is jealous will often take this as further evidence of cheating in the relationship, when, in fact, it is a result of the questioning and accusations. Or, for example, a jealous person has repeatedly harmed relationships through his accusations which he takes as evidence that women can never be trusted.

The more you are aware of your behaviors and other's behavior that may maintain the beliefs, then you will be able to make better choices that can allow you to control the jealousy. In fact, the development of awareness can't be emphasized enough. You may need to spend some time at this point to assess your jealousy, the behaviors, and the outcomes based on the behaviors.

How Do You Stop Irrational Jealousy?
Once you have determined the behavior, then you can make choices to change the behavior. Even though these feelings seem uncontrollable, that doesn't mean they are uncontrollable. However, you may need to make a commitment to the hard work involved in making changes.

The following steps can help you with these changes:

1) Make an effort to no longer engage in the self-defeating behavior. If you are questioning or making accusations, stop the behavior immediately. Whether you need to literally bite your tongue, go to another room, or talk to a friend, don't allow yourself to continue with this destructive behavior. Usually people engage in this behavior because initially it is reassuring to them and makes them feel better. But remind yourself that feeling better is just temporary and that it is a destructive behavior that must stop.

2) Challenge the irrational thinking styles frequently. Identify how your thinking is irrational and remind yourself of why it is whenever you have the jealous thoughts. If is often beneficial to write this down. Some things that you may identify include the idea that there is no evidence, that the probability is remote, and that there is evidence to the contrary such as the loving things your spouse does for you.

3) Refuse to engage in the jealous self-talk. Whenever you engage in the jealous self-talk, internally tell yourself to "shut up." You may need to do this repeatedly, but you want to do whatever is necessary to not listen to yourself on this topic. Some people use the rubber band method which involves the aversive stimulus of snapping a rubber band on your wrist whenever you have the jealous self-talk.

4) Work on improving your self-esteem. Remember that irrational jealousy is not about your spouse but is about yourself. Use the presence of jealous feelings to remind yourself that you need to focus on improving your self-esteem. Although improving self-esteem is another entire topic to itself, generally, you need to give yourself positive self-statements and engage in behaviors that make you feel good about yourself.

5) Learn to be vulnerable and to develop emotional intimacy. For any relationship to be successful, you must be able to take risks. There are many ways to do this and you need to determine by assessing yourself what are the best ways for you to take risks. For instance, if you feel insecure, you might share these feelings with your spouse and talk about ways your spouse can help you feel more secure. Or if you are afraid of being vulnerable, you might decide to take small risks of sharing yourself, your feelings, and your fears with your spouse.

Sometimes the process of developing awareness and challenging irrational beliefs may be too difficult to accomplish alone and a person may need assistance from a therapist. However, typically a good cognitive-behavioral therapist can point you in the right direction within a few sessions and then most of the work is up to you.

Tako je divno voljeti nekoga i biti voljen. Prekrasan osjećaj koji nadmašuje sve moje ranije avanture. Držati nekoga u rukama, osjećati blizinu partnera i potpuno se prepustiti, sve to ne mogu niti približno doseći nikakva moja ranija trenutna zadovoljstva. Nešto mi je čudno palo na pamet. Ako ova veza s Javierom ne potraje, sumnjam da ću ponovo tražiti kratkotrajne avanture. Mislim da ću opet tražiti nešto dublje i puno kvalitetnije...

Reggie mi je danas još jednom rekao da je očito da mi jako odgovara biti u vezi, da me to ispunja i čini sretnim...