1900 FURNITURE STYLES

A few years ago, I took advantage of a minivan full of sleeping holiday travelers to explore a few of the back roads of St. Cloud, Minnesota. While I was lost...err...exploring a few of the back roads of St. Cloud, Minnesota, I was hanging a u-turn when my headlights hit a funny looking, tiny house and a sign that had something about Val and hamburgers. It was a total accident, but the memory stuck with me and I had been meaning to get there ever since.

Fast forward. Some family recently relocated to St. Cloud and I was able to satisfy my curiosity about the funny little house called Val's. I'm happy to report that it was mindblowingly...hilarious.

To set the scene, Val's is one of those 400 square foot 1950s box homes that you wonder how anyone could actually live in. It sits just off the crosshairs of Highway 10 and County 23, a third of the way to just about everyone's cabin up north. It's miniscule. It's hidden. It isn't a hole-in-the-wall so much as you could actually stuff it into the hole in the wall. And it's hopping with customers.

When you open the door and go into what you think is going to be a vestibule, you immediately realize that you're pretty much standing right in the middle of the kitchen. "Welcome!" Don't walk in there holding a spatula or you'll be on 'til close and getting an extra W-2 in January.

I had heard about the ordering system -- three different touch-screen units where you punch in your worldly desires and five minutes later are handed greasy sacks bulging with food. It's as laughable as people have made it sound. Again, the whole place is barely six feet by four feet, with the magical irony of an ordering system Cray Supercomputers would be proud of.

It was slow at the time so one of the two Ridiculously Cute Midwestern Counter Girls offered to punch my order in for me. She must have been bored and/or had me pegged for the rube that I am, and knew that I hadn't been through the NASA-like training program. Oh the disappointment.

A triple with bacon, two single cheeseburgers and two fries. No...not for me...for a family of four. Do you remember the airport ticket counter woman from the movie "Meet the Parents"? Similar to that, the Ridiculously Cute Midwestern Counter Girl started keying in my order as though she were tickling out the Mozart Etude No. 11. Dazzled and mystified, all I could mumble was "Holy (expletive deleted)."

I had also been forewarned about the generosity of the french fries. "Some will spill into the bag," I was told. Great. I love that when you eat fast food and think you're done, but find a tiny treasure trove of three or four fries at the bottom of the bag.

When I got my food back to the minivan and opened it up it looked like the Ore-Ida factory had blown up in my bag. There had to be a half-million french fries in there. I thought I would have to call in a backhoe and crew of union guys to extract my burger which was, in comedic fashion, on the bottom.

I've been studying a bit of french language lately. One tip I learned is regarding food and eating and the nuance of talking about it. How do you know when to say "je mange des frites" instead of "je mange les frites" I wonder? Well, I'm told "des" means you're eating fries, but "les" means you're eating all the fries in the world. I think on Saturday, I manged les frites. I digress.

All in all, the food is good. The burgers are in the style of McDonald's. Not thin crispy frisbees and not thick, juicy hand-formed patties. In thickness, taste and quality Val's roadside burgers are smack in the middle of the road. The fries are also nearly identical in size and composition to McDonald's. They're thin cut, cooked to crispiness. They had a good dusting of bright orange, khaki pants-killing Lowry's.

After a good, solid 45 minutes of eating fries, I had worked my way down towards my burger. All of a sudden I notice that there is actually a little french fry bag in there. What in the name of God is the point of that? I could only surmise this is the restaurant's way of saying, "Here...this is where we really earn our style points."

Obviously, the whole experience is them poking fun at themselves. It works. In spades. The four people crammed into the little kitchen were all pleasant to a fault. It's charming enough to make you want to go back, sometimes just to make sure it wasn't some kind of funny dream.

Val's Rapid Serv
628 E St Germain
St. Cloud, MN
320-251-5775
Open M-Sat 11-7 (I think)

Hollywood heartthrob Zac Efron will return to Sydney on Sunday September 19 for the Australian Premiere of his highly-anticipated romantic drama CHARLIE ST. CLOUD.

Efron will thrill Aussie fans and crowds alike as he walks the red carpet along Church Street, Westfield Parramatta, which is followed by the exclusive premiere screening of CHARLIE ST. CLOUD at Event Cinemas.

The premiere will be hosted by THE DIRT presenters Charli and Pagey, and broadcast nationally on the Today Network including Sydney's 2DAY FM. THE DIRT's special live broadcast will air 6-7pm on Sunday evening and will also be streamed live online at thedirt.com.au and Facebook.com/UniversalPicturesAU.



Hollywood heartthrob Zac Efron will return to Sydney on Sunday September 19 for the Australian Premiere of his highly-anticipated romantic drama CHARLIE ST. CLOUD.

Efron will thrill Aussie fans and crowds alike as he walks the red carpet along Church Street, Westfield Parramatta, which is followed by the exclusive premiere screening of CHARLIE ST. CLOUD at Event Cinemas.

The premiere will be hosted by THE DIRT presenters Charli and Pagey, and broadcast nationally on the Today Network including Sydney's 2DAY FM. THE DIRT's special live broadcast will air 6-7pm on Sunday evening and will also be streamed live online at thedirt.com.au and Facebook.com/UniversalPicturesAU.