les stroud

(related: les stroud, )

Bear Grylls and Les Stroud have been given a challenge to find out: Who is the ultimate Survivor?

Day One is les stroud the books, and Bear had a rough night. As dawn breaks on a christmas story Two, Bear Returns to main camp, and finds a surprise. After an already rough 24 hours, this sends him over the edge.



Bear: Ughhhhhhhh. That was not ideal. It was the roughest night, that I, have ever had to endure. At least I had a lot of company on Everest. Im just glad Im back to&

(Hears a distinct crunch, looks at cameraman)

What the hell was christmas at belmont #1: (mouth full) Ummmngnngg& Idonnonnn.

Bear: Is that…DORITOS?!? What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Cameraman #1: Uhhmm…Surviving?

Since when les stroud corn grow in this God-forsaken place? I’m here surviving in the f—ing wilderness, taking whatever God has thrown at me, and here you are in some sort of…orange-powdered orgy with your potato chips!

Cameraman #2: They’re actually torti–

They’re a disgrace, that’s les stroud they are! A f—ing disgrace! How is anyone supposed to take this survival show seriously! Here I am getting scrotal frostbite in an ice cave, and my crew is carrying tents and the vending machine from hell every step of the way! Dammit, show some balls, man! The only thing that would make you wussier is a harmonica.

Les: I heard that.

Bear: Shut up, old man! You and your a wonderful life dildo still have to answer to the Queen!

You know, there was actually this story about a man, a les stroud who came into the Hokkaido winter on a mountain just like this. He opened a bag of Doritos, and it eventually attracted an angry bear. That bear was starving, and he smelled the food from about a mile away. When the bear saw the bag in the humans hands, he began to charge. The man tried t run, but he stood no chance. He bit off the mans nether region, before mauling, and trampling, and clawing him to death, and all for that little bit of food, and that just shows why youve got be careful, and NOT BLOODY EAT SNACK FOOD IN THE BLOODY WILD!!!

Cameraman #1: Ahhh, okay, I get it! (cowers away in fear)

Bear: Give me that bag. You dont deserve to have this. (stuffs face with Doritos) You gooaaaeees ogga be (more Doritos) affamed of youfelffs&



For Les and Bear, the Doritos are the only food theyve had since leaving Sapporo 36 hours before. They must now search for food, and they have cooking lobster some animals in a ravine. The must now descend a sheer rock face.

Les: Im gonna get my ride for this one. (walks up to pimped-out ride he made the day before)

Oh, crap.

Bear: What now?

Les: Well, I was going to use this vehicle to traverse the cliffs, but the les stroud is locked.

Bear: Wait a minute&this is a survival vehicle&of your design?

Les: Yes.

Bear: And you needed access to this vehicle at all times?

Les: Yes.

Bear: And yet you put a lock on it and used it?

Les: Yes&

Bear: Well, that was a fresh cup o stupid, now wasnt it? Well, I suppose its not that bad. So&Where are the keys?

Les: (slouches) right there, on the dashboard.

Bear: (snickers turn into uncontrollable laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Hahahahahah, haha, hahah, haaaaaaa& sorry. Its just& what in Gods name were you thinking man?

Les: Dont laugh too hard, or Ill be forced to use this.

Bear: Use what, a water purifier that you crapped on?

Les:



After Les wakes up a few hours later, our heroes finally attempt to descend the cliff.



Les: Man, this is a tough place to climb. les stroud really not comfortable with his. The drop is about les stroud feet, and the angle is about 60, disney christmas parade align="left">(slips off rock)

Whoooooooaaaaaaa!



Les has taken a very, very hard fall. He has a lot of bad bruises and some scrapes, but, amazingly, he has no major fractures, open wounds, or other injuries. Nevertheless, he lies at the bottom of the cliff, concussed, bewildered, and in pain. Meanwhile, Bear has safely descended to the bottom of the cliff in only podcasts over the time it took for Stroud to tumble down.



Les: Uuuuuuugghhhhhhh& I feel terrible.

Bear: When climbing, use your legs, three points of contact, no arms over your head, blah, blah blah, and were down. Hey Les, looks like you didnt have much trouble getting down either, ehhhhh?

Les: Oh, shut it. I just took the worst fall in my life, I alerted every living, breathing food source of my arrival, and now it will take me that much longer to track them down.

Bear: Cameramen! (clap clap)

Cameramen: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! (scale down cliff with an amount of climbing equipment that even the most paranoid citizens of this planet would consider overkill)

Bear: Release the zebra!

Cameraman #1: (releases Zebra from first cage)

Bear: Wait for it&wait for it&and&release the lions!

Cameraman #2: (releases lions from second cage)

Lions:

Cameramen: (bring lions back into cage)

Bear:

Ugh. This tastes like&chicken that been marinated in its own crap, then left in the sun for a few days. But its a good source of protein, and just about anything is better than nothing. Would you like to try some, les stroud Where the f did you get lions in Japan?

Bear: Where did you get peanut butter and jelly in the Kalahari desert?

Les: Oh now come on, that was different!

Bear: No it wasnt.

Les: Yes it was.

Bear: (puts on banana costume) morenowfall.blogspot.com target="_blank">Its Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Les: Stop that.

Bear: Where he at! Where he at! Where he at! Where he at! Now There he go! There he go! There he go! There he go! There he go!

Les: Dude, I said cut it out!

Bear: Do the Peanut Butter Jelly! Peanut Butter Jelly! Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

Les: Well, at least les stroud why you always bring these cameramen. Theyre the only reason youre alive.

Bear: (whistles) Release the lions!

Lions: (run toward Les at 30 miles per hour)

Les: AHHHHHHH (runs for cover up a tree)

The lions quickly lose interest, but decide to scurry into the Japanese wilderness, possibly putting the entire ecosystem at risk, before they accidentally slip into raging rapids. With night falling, our heroes need to make camp, and theres no way the Mr. Stroud is going back up that cliff.

Les: I les stroud climb back up to our old camp tonight. This looks like a good place to make camp; the youtube will prevent any animals from sneaking up on us.

Bear: (gnaws on zebra leg) Fair enough. Well make separate shelters.

Les: This rock should be a good start.

Mr. Stroud has made a basic A frame with les stroud protecting him on one side les stroud a large rock on the other.

Bear: Okay, boys, bring it in!

Crane: BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP

The crane has lifted in a 500 square foot log cabin.

Les: Okay, this is getting out of hand.

Bear: What? I froze my bloody balls off in an ice cave last night. Once is enough, thank you.



Both men begin to work on making a fire. While Bear gathers wood, Les chops away at the back side of Bears cabin for his firewood. He plans to use a gasoline rag, sock lint, his multitool, a sulfurous rock, oil from Japanese birch bark, and the leftover zebra bones, which may or may not have explosive qualities. Bears flint works pretty easily. Less fire-making technique, needless to say, requires a bit more patience.



Les: Okay, so Im going to strike the metal of the multitool, against this sulphur rock, and see if I can create a spark against the gasoline rage and the tinder.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes les stroud rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

orgnewsput.blogspot.com the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

Four Hours Later&

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

Bear: Hows the fire going, Les?

Les: Gimme that flint.

(strikes the flint)

Mr. Stroud is now quite charred, but at least he has a warm, raging fire that will last well into the next morning. The explosion having subsided, both of our heroes decide to call it a night. But Bear is still wearing the giant banana suit from Peanut Butter Jelly Time. He has now attracted hundreds of Japanese snow monkeys, who believe that hes a giant banana. At midnight the monkeys make their move, entering the cabin through the hole that, ironically, Les opened taking wood for his fire.

Monkeys: Whatever the hell is monkey speak for attack. Hu-Hu-HAAAAA!, maybe?

Bear: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

As Les licks his wounds and Bear fends off simians, it looks to be another cold, hard night for our heroes&on the second night of the Survive-Off.