20.12.2004., ponedjeljak
Hello, my dear friends.
I'm back from Split, from the funeral.
I'm exhausted. The travel, the work, the emotions, the lack of sleep, everything that happened these past few days has exhausted me. I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years.
The whole family came to the funeral, and is it horrible from me to say that I was happy? Happy to see them all, my dear relatives from all over Croatia and Germany, who I haven't seen in ages. It was a sad occasion, but I was happy they all came.
The funeral itself... well, you know, this is the first time someone of my immediate family died. It was strange being the one others gave their condolences to.
In the chapel the first thing that surprised me was how small the coffin looked. I remember my grandfather as a strong, large man, and I couldn't believe that he could fit into that small coffin. But there it is, death makes us smaller.
I don't know how the funeral arrangements go where you are, dear people, but this is how it goes, with small variations, over here.
The coffin is displayed in the funeral home chapel. We, the family, stood on one side and people came over to express their regrets for our dear grandfather (and father, and husband) passing away. Then came a short sermon by the priests, and after that we left for the graveyard. There the priests also said a short prayer, there was an appropriate song, and it was over – the grave sealed with a marble panel, the flowers placed, the coffin inside. Off we went to the church for a mass for the dead, and afterwards the whole family and friends came over to our house, where we prepared snacks and cookies.
I didn’t know half the people who came. Everybody was saying – My condolences – and I was thinking – Who in all the hell are you?
I kissed so many unknown people, my cheeks were aching from all the beards and moustaches they touched.
I noticed there are two kinds of people – those who kiss you, those who don’t. The ones that want to kiss you on the cheek have all the same behavior pattern – immediately after grasping your hand they pull you towards them. They don’t wait for you to lean – they pull.
The kiss is inevitable.
They don’t give you a choice – they are here and they will kiss you, whether you like it or not.
Personally, I hate being kissed by strangers. I hate public displays of affections.
I don’t do hugs.
I don’t do kisses.
I don’t do physical contact.
I don’t like it and I don’t need it. In somebody else’s arms, I feel trapped. I don’t feel comforted, I feel caught. The only thought I have when somebody’s hugging me is – get off me. Only in rare emotional situations with very close friends and relatives do I enjoy physical contact of any kind – hugs or kisses. (well, except honeybunny :). I like kissing and hugging honeybunny :) ).
So these hours of kissing and hugging total strangers were quite an ordeal for me. Every molecule of my body wanted to push them away. Who are they, I don’t know them, I’ve never seen them and never will see them again, and for propriety’s sake I have to stand there and shake hands, hug and kiss them.
What can I say? I hated it.
And now, after these few days, I’m left exhausted and very, very sleepy. I could fall asleep on my feet, I feel so drained.
This morning I accompanied honeybunny when he went to do his regular car check. I woke up at 6.45 – way too early for me.
Anyway…
Hope you’re all well, thank you for your concern and love to you all from Tiamat.
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