leo sayer

I have thick hair which becomes extremely wavy when it gets long. The kind of hair grandmothers love. The thing is, it doesnt grow down. It grows out - like this.* Which is why I keep it short. The shorter the better.

But every few years I think to myself: what a waste, Ive got this thick, luxuriant, buy steroids online hair. If I keep the faith itll grow out and then get bored and fall, exhausted, down to my shoulders. I know Ill look a twat but, sooner or later, Im going to look like this, so what the hell, lets do it. So I try to grow it. And its always a disaster because it just keeps growing out around my head, getting bigger and bigger. It just doesnt know when to stop growing out.

So, Im in one of these growing-my-hair moods when Im required to do an interview with Leo Sayer - this is some years ago now - and he arrives at reception and I go and pick him up. My hair is reaching for the stars at this point, it looks like a fucking beach-ball. Leo looks at my hair, I look at his. The receptionist sniggers.

Its a big building and on the way to the studio I suspiciously manage to bump into a sizable proportion of my colleagues. Theyre leaping out of doors like the buildings on fire, and they give me supercilious smiles as they walk off. I can hear giggles recede down the corridor as Leo chats amiably. We do the interview. I drop Leo at reception. He says thank you and glances at my hair. The receptionist sniggers.

The very next morning the hair comes off. But, of course, it doesnt stop. Everyone at work, theyre singing You Make Me Feel Like Dancing for weeks afterwards. I smile grimly.

2006: Leo, against all the odds, storms back to Number One.

Hey, Wyndham, says someone, do you remember when you and Leo - 

Yes, I say,  I remember .

My day is near!

* But not like this.