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First part: NAKED SOLSTICE The last thing Maja expected from her trip was to end up in bed with a stranger, after being abandoned by her only sister during a short visit to their home country. Then there’s that saying: Never say never. Not only she had sex with Hans, but it turned out it actually wasn’t the last thing to be expected. The day was about to become bizarre, and it was the longest day of the year. There was something strange in the air, there was some weirdness in the city. Having a one night stand isn’t an unimaginable thing for Maja, after all. It wasn’t the first time she did it. However, she would never stick with the guy the day after. She despised men who were having sex with strangers, just as much as she despised herself for doing it. After a forbidden relief, the only right thing to do was to get out of the bed before the guy wakes up and get out of his life, before sunrise, before anybody could see her. But the sun rises so early in a Solstice morning! And Maja was so tired. She was depressed, too. She didn’t want to wake up, not even after the sunrise, not even after Hans. For the first time ever, she was woken by a disposable one-night-stand-guy. He talked about pyramids. He asked her to stay in the city. He took her underground, deep into some tunnels. Deep into her past… Her past wasn’t in her village, after all. It was in her, all along. And she didn’t come back to relive her happy childhood. It all became painfully clear in those tunnels. You can not relive the past. She came back to undo it. That was the real reason. Then again, you can’t undo your past, either… You can, however, relive your memories. That’s the problem, at least when it comes to repressed memories, to moments that changed everything, but not for better, never for better. We should definitely start from beginning, but how do you find beginning? Is it the moment when she touched a megalith or when she entered the tunnels? When she met Hans or when she let him penetrate her? When she came to this city or when she arrived to her village? When the war started in her country or when it begun in her house? When she was born or when she was conceived? Or maybe even much earlier, before Serbs and Croats separated, before they became forever-enemies? Perhaps before their warrior tribe even existed? It’s common to start with birth, but in this case it will only bring more confusion. Maja was born in Yugoslavia, but the thing is, that country is long dead by now. You can’t claim that someone was born in a non-existing country. You have to say that she was born in Bosnia and Herzegovina, but the thing is, that country never existed. There are no actual Bosnians. There are only Serbs and Croats, mixed with Muslims, who once maybe used to be Serbs or Croats, but can’t remember which and therefore have to be considered a third nationality. It’s hard to explain to people from a country like that who are they supposed to hate and why. Their enemy is not a conqueror from a far away land. They are expected to stand against each other, against their own neighbors and friends. But what if you happen to be a child from a mixed marriage, with a mixed nationality, growing up with more than one religion? What if you are a product of forbidden love? Are you an enemy to yourself then? Who do you hate then? Is it simply a matter of choice? Are you lucky to have the opportunity to choose, or are you damned forever for that choice, for denying a huge part of your ancestors, of yourself? Maja certainly considered herself to be on a doomed side. She lost her boyfriend, her job and her future in a short period of a few months. Patrick didn’t believe in marriage, but he believed in family. He wanted a child just as much as she did and when it didn’t happen, when doctors confirmed there was nothing wrong with him, he left her. Which God was punishing her, and for what? Maja was a Croat, she knew that because her father told her. She didn’t quite know what it means, except that it was the only right thing to be. Not like her mother, a Muslim with a bit of Serbian blood, or like her friend Milan, a pure Serb. Maja never visited Croatia, just like Milan never was in Serbia, but those countries defined their fate. She didn’t understand. When the blood came out of Milan’s head, it looked just like regular blood. She kneeled next to him to touch this blood, to search for evil in it, evil that made him a Serb, evil that placed him on the wrong side, evil for which he wasn’t allowed to live any longer. She found nothing, nothing but her own belief that Milan had to die so that she could live. He was her friend, her next-door neighbor, they were growing up together, and they did everything together. He was like a brother she never had. But all that was before, before her father’s loyalty to a foreign country was awaken, before her dad explained her that Milan and his family have to leave the village or be killed, before her father, who she loved most in the whole world, died for those beliefs… “I don’t want to go inside,” Maja said to Hans after he put a helmet on her head and took her to the entrance of tunnels. She was scared. It was dark, wet and cold inside. “Don’t be afraid,” Hans told her. He took her hand, looked her in the eyes and smiled. That moment of closeness was even scarier than damn tunnel so Maja sighed and agreed to enter, just to avoid further intimacy. The last thing she needed was to have him fall in love with her! He just wasn’t her type. Squeezing a flashlight in one hand and Hans’s hand in other Maja walked into the darkness. There were places and stones inside that Hans wanted to show her, he tried really hard to give her a proper tour, but she wasn’t listening. She didn’t care. Hans was some kind of volunteer, he was helping with digging or whatever whoever wanted to do deep down, but it was Sunday, the day when they don’t work. It was empty and quiet. “I’ll show you a new megalith,” Hans told her: “That area is still closed for visitors, but I can take you there. It has a very special energy.” It didn’t look special to Maja. It looked like a huge stone and that was all. But she didn’t want to argue. She followed, admired, nodded… whatever makes him happy! Whatever it takes to finish this bizarre tour and go back outside. “I like to meditate here,” Hans said and offered to meditate with her. She wasn’t keen on meditations, but it wasn’t something you can just say to a person like Hans, not unless you want to endure a boring monolog about many benefits and spiritual enlightenment that come with meditation. So she sat on the megalith, closed her eyes and waited. Breathe in, breathe out. Let all your tension go away. Relax and let go… Suddenly, she was back. It just came to her. Everything. Every little detail of that day, the day when her father took his axe and left the house, angry and drunk. The day her mother, busy with breastfeeding, asked her to go after him, begged her to bring him back. Breathe in... Milan’s house. Her father arguing with Milan’s father in the kitchen. Milan entering the room and axe flying into his face. Milan’s father grabbing knife and stabbing her father. Breathe out… Blood. Serbian blood. Croatian blood. Her hands dipped in both. Her desperate search for difference, yet no matter how hard she tried, she could not see any… In the end, all the blood looked the same. Breathe… Only this time, it wasn’t her memory. She relived those moments from others’ points of view. She felt Milan’s fear just as much as she felt her own. She felt Milan’s father desperation, how he kept stabbing her father over and over again, even after he was long dead. He just couldn’t stop. Stopping would mean having to face his son’s cracked head, his lifeless body, his blank eyes that will never see again… Revenge was at least bearable. If he stops stabbing his friend, he will die… She felt her own father’s fear. He wasn’t afraid for himself, but for his family. He could be safe with Croats, and maybe his wife could go to Muslims, but what about his children? Who would want to protect them? Mixed breed is no more popular when it comes to people than when it comes to dogs. Can they survive the war? He tried to teach his older daughter to behave as Croatian as possible, hoping it would improve her chances of survival in a mostly Croatian village. As for the younger one, he didn’t dare to love her. He never allowed himself to get close to her. She was a miracle child, conceived long after he and his wife gave up hope of having more children and yet, he never allowed himself to enjoy in that miracle, for fear of loosing it. He never meant to kill Milan. He never meant to kill anybody. He wanted to prove himself as a Croat by convincing Serbs to leave. If he could do that, maybe he would be allowed to keep his family. His friend would be safer somewhere with other Serbs, anyway. It all made sense. At least it did until that axe hit Milan’s head and killed him in place. He didn’t mean to throw it at a child, he didn’t see when the child entered the kitchen, he didn’t know Milan was standing there. He didn’t even try to defend from Milan’s father knife. He knew everything was already lost, for both of them. With his last breath, Maja’s father finally realized that war can’t make any true sense, no matter which side you’re on, no matter what point of view you take… Maja also felt her mother’s fear. She was afraid that if her husband succeeded in scaring away their neighbors, she would be his next victim. She also wasn’t a Croat, not even in traces. Even if he wouldn’t kill her, he would certainly take their children away from her. Their older daughter already hated her for being Muslim. When she left Bosnia, she vowed never to come back again. She didn’t take any pictures of her husband or anything else that belonged to him, except his children. At the same moment, for the first time ever, Maja got in touch with her own fears. The huge fear of disappointing her father – the fear that ran her life without her being aware of it – it was suddenly so clear that she almost laughed. Maja’s father was the most important person in her life, they shared a special bond. If he was a Croat, she was a Croat. Mother didn’t count. If he wanted a son, she would be a son. All her relationships were with much older man – in them she searched for a father figure, she searched for what was lost. Most of all – a son can’t get pregnant. If she ever wants to have a family of her own, she will have to learn to be a woman. A daughter. A sister. A sister… “Are you ok?” Hans asked her suddenly. She opened her eyes, realizing that she’s wet from tears and shaking from coldness. She looked at Hans, for the first time actually paying attention to him. He looked so young… “How old are you?” she asked him. “27,” he replied: “Why?” “It’s just that…” she smiled shyly: “I never had sex with a younger man before…” Tell him… She closed her eyes again. The thought was loud and clear, but it wasn’t coming from her. It came from somewhere else. ‘Tell him what?’ she thought. ‘Why?’ She reopened her eyes and looked at Hans again, but she couldn’t speak. Not about her experience, not about her daddy issues, not about anything. She barely managed to ask him to excuse her because she needs to go find her sister. Hans looked disappointed, but he realized he has to let her go. “I hope to see you again,” he told her. “I hope so too,” Maja told him. She didn’t have a desire to see him again, but she also didn’t wish to never meet him again. It was a good enough feeling. After all, she wasn’t attracted to him in any way. She had sex with him only to prove her sister that she’s not unfuckable. That was also very clear now. Maja kissed Hans in the cheek, a warm kiss goodbye, and found her way out of the tunnels, out of darkness, into the warmth and light of sun, the warmth almost forgotten… Into a Muslim city… She was angry at her sister for bringing her here, but all that resentment now turned into gratitude. Her mother was born in Muslim town just like this one. Maja walked the streets, claiming back the Muslim part of her, claiming back her femininity. Mixed breed dogs may not be popular, they may even be considered worthless, but they are stronger, they are smarter. They have longer life, better health and deal with difficulties with more creativity and uniqueness. They are survivors, in the true meaning of the word. Maybe mixed breed people also have some of those qualities… Maja was sitting at the hotel reception, waiting for her sister to show up. She had no idea where Lee was and when would she be back, but sooner or later she had to return to her room. She didn’t mind waiting. There was a lot for her to process, lots of decisions to be made. Her first decision was to go back to her village and visit Milan’s grave. She didn’t visit it before because she considered him to be enemy, but today the war for Maja finally ended. There was one thing to do first, though. She had to make things right with her sister. She knew now why Lee insulted her, not because of hate, but because of fear. Lee was afraid that one day Maja will come between her and her son, and old Maja maybe would, but this new Maja will not allow that to happen. She will not allow anything bad to happen to her baby sister or her nephew. She will not allow fear to run her life any longer. It was already night when Lee finally came to the hotel. She looked terrible, dirty and sweaty, with bruises here and there. “What happened to you?” Maja asked her. “I lost a best friend,” Lee said. She couldn’t hide the tears and Maja tried to remember if she ever saw her cry before. “What friend? What happened?” Maja asked. Lee never had a best friend. What the hell was going on? Did she go to some tunnels too? “A guy I met at sunrise,” Lee replied: “He’s gone now. I don’t know where he went… I… I don’t know why… I just… I miss him so much…” Suddenly, Lee fell into Maja’s arms, hugging her strongly, desperately. Maja just stood there, unable to move. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t understand what was happening. Yet, she could feel her sister. The ability she gained in tunnels still worked its magic. She felt a deep loneliness of a child that was never truly loved. Their mother and Maja did everything they could to protect her, to give her a normal life, away from the darkness of their past. They didn’t know that you can’t protect someone from your darkness without protecting them from your love too. It’s because love goes way deeper than darkness. If you build walls around darkness, your love will stay imprisoned as well. There are no shortcuts. Finally, Maja was able to return the hug. She wrapped her arms around Lee and whispered: “I’m sorry” “I’m sorry too,” Lee cried: “I’m so… so sorry…” Lee was apologizing for their fight the day before, but Maja… Maja felt a need to apologize for so much more… Next part: THREE SIXTEEN |