Smrt korisnicima

Dok čekamo Shunkinu kritiku filma "Seks i grad", mislim da je u redu da se naša filmska radionica pozabavi posebnom vrstom filmova: atributni filmovi. Da pojasnim: atributni filmovi su filmovi koji se vrte oko jednog atributa, te sve u filmu mora moći biti opisano dotičnim atributom*. Radnja se izbjegava jer bi odvlačila pažnu od atributnosti** uratka. Znam da ste pomalo zbunjeni, pa ću vam navesti par atributa i odgovarajućih filmova:

cool - "XXX"
emo - "Spiderman 3"
brz - "Brzi i žeštoki"
žestok - "Brzi i žestoki"
totalno nenadjebiv - "Skakač" ***
urban - "Pleši sa mnom"
imbecilan - "Catwoman"

Vaš ovotjedni zadatak je napisati scenarij za film koji će biti totalno COSMO (jer je cosmo novi cool, a cool je novi emo, FYI). Zapamtite, sve u tom filmu mora biti cosmo, od likova, lokacija, atomobila, obleke, cipela do uređenja interijera. Radnja ne mora biti cosmo, jer je ne trebate. Naša Transformatorica - kao naj-cosmo među nama - odlučila je demonstrirati:

NAPOMENA: Prilikom posjeta razno-raznim cosmo lokacijama, zapamtite da lokalno stanovništvo uvijek priča engleski s naglaskom. Ova norma standardizacije je uvedena kako bi se izbjegli titlovi, jer većina publike atributnih filmova ne zna čitati (što zbog godina, što zbog IQ-a).

Dr. Hans von Evil: This time I will take over the world and no one can stop me!!!
The world greatest spy is back!
Cosmo. Jane Cosmo.
M: Cosmo, the Queen wants you to save the world again. And go to some exotic locations, pick up hot studs and drive expensive cars.
Jane Cosmo: Anything for the glory of the British empire and Commonwealth!
Danger!
Hot stud: Oh Cosmo, they just blew up that restaurant!
Cosmo: Good, the grilled fish was really terrible there.
Excitement!
Sexy Russian: You don't have to search me, I have no weapons.
Cosmo: Oh really? I think you have a gun in your pocket.
Sexy Russian: No. I'm just happy to see you.
Glamor!
Cosmo: Beer. Stirred, not shaken. I don't like too much foam.
Hi-Tech!
Q: This just looks like a can of ordinary hair spray.
Cosmo: What is it?
Q: It's actually a can of super-strong hair spray!
Cosmo: Clever!
This fall, agent double-o zero is back - with style.
Cosmo: Why weren't you fooled by my disguise?
Terrorist: Because poor peasant women don't wear Manolo Blahnik.
Cosmo: My stylist is sooo fired.
Transformatorica is Jane Cosmo in "Stilletos Never Die".

Shirley Bassey – Get The Party Started

Crazy LLama

* nisam sigurna da je to valjana konstrukcija hrvatskog jezika
** nisam sigurna da li je to valjana hrvatska riječ
*** guarantied by funky_girl18

Danas nastavljamo s našom radionicom snimanja komercijalnih filmova. Ovaj put su na redu sportske drame, a tko je bolji za ulogu u takvom filmu nego naša Faith! No kako bi vam olakšali ovaj zadatak, pružit ćemo vam primjer kako bi to *otprilike* trebalo izgledati (i nezaboravite da je najvažnije situaciju sagledati realno).

Daklem - zadani sport: veslanje. Tema: povezanost ljudi koji veslaju zajedno u čamcu (drama bi bila veća da je u pitanju zabranjena gay ljubav među veslačima, ali zapleti a la Brokeback Mountain su so last year). Obrat: veslački partner pogiba u tragičnoj slow-motion nesreći. Zaplet: pobijediti bez potpore veslačkog partnera. Mamac za žene koje ne vole filmove o sportu: Hyden Christensen u ulozi trenera. Soundtrack: bilo što iz filmova o Rockyu.

Dodatne bodove dobivate ako uspijete svakih 15 minuta podsjetiti gledatelje koliko je važno imati snove; vjerovati u svoje snove i sebe; te da ako vjerujete, možete ostvariti sve snove. Po mogućnosti sa suzom u oku pri razgovoru s otuđenim članom obitelji. Predivno.

Primjer trailera:

Faith: For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to do was ROW.
They were a team.
Faith: Promise me you'll always be there for me.
Rowing partner: I promise.
Until tragedy tore them appart.
Doctor: Faith, your rowing partner got drunk and went rollerskating...
Faith: What are you saying?
Doctor: I'm sorry.
Faith: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
One woman's dream of achieving greatness laied shatered. But she was given another chance.
Hot smexy coach: Faith, you can try rowing solo.
Faith: No, it's ludacris! Nobody can do it alone!
Hot smexy coach: But you're not nobody.
She trained harder. She rowed faster. She pushed further.
Faith: You never gave me any support!
Dad: You can't handle the truth!!!
Faith: WTF? That sentance made no sence whatsoever.
But the hardest race of all - is in her mind.
Faith: I can't take the pressure!
Hot smexy coach: But I believe in you!
Faith: Yeah, but you also believe in Santa Clause. *dweeb*
And now it's all down to one race - "The Race Of Life".
Hot smexy coach: You go out there and you row like you never rowed before!!!
Faith: You mean like backwards or something?
Because dreams do come true.

Crazy LLama
Petar Grašo revival band – Eye of the Cheetah (kako nas ne bi tužili za copyright)