Ptitchitza u niskom letu

Stupid dog

I feel ashamed by my yesterday's post ("Personal Maria-Magdalena") about the self-sabotaging patterns that I feel Maria may be following in her life as a consequence of her having been abused as a child, and have just deleted it.

It was probably accurate, but my righteous tone and a far too personal detail about her that I have revealed were wrong.

The simple fact is that Maria is more honest about herself than I am. When she got in her crisis she seeked help. I seek excuses. I think about things, analyze them, find possible solutions and then do very little to follow up on it.

She tried many times to help me and did her best. For me it was enough just to be with her but I have not changed my own self-sabotaging patterns and a part of me having become so wrapped up about Maria is the sad fact that her own problems were subconsciously an excuse for me not to deal with my own but trying (however well-intended) to help her. She didn't need another therapist (in me).

If I had been more responsible and active in dealing with my problems we would probably still be together. There were so many of them, I just folded under their weight. Nobody can help me, I felt. But it's only true until I decide to help myself.

It's an irony that it's her that says "My life is ruined. I gave up." when actually she tries to do what she can to change it. On the other hand I would never have admitted that myself, but am actually behaving like it.

What hurts most is her not wanting to remain in contact, as friends. But she must have her own reasons for it, perhaps she has mixed emotions about me, perhaps she just cannot stand watching me sink further... who knows.

I am like a dog trying to catch his own tail.