Eto ga, zadnja dva u nizu citata iz knjige 'Being in dreaming' F. Donner G.
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I thought her to be either very candid, very coy, or, even worse,
very mad.
"You don't believe that creatures from another world really exist, do you?" I snapped illhumoredly.
Then, afraid I had offended her, I glanced at her with a word of half-anxious apology
ready.
But before I could say anything, she answered in the same loud, ill-tempered tone of
voice I had used.
"Of course I believe they exist. Why shouldn't they exist?"
"They just don't!" I snapped sharply and authoritatively, then quickly apologized.
I told her about my pragmatic upbringing and how my father had guided me to realize
that the monsters in my dreams, and the playmates I had as a child- invisible to everyone,
but me, of course- were nothing but the product of an overactive imagination.
"From an early age I was reared to be objective and to qualify everything," I stressed. "In
my world, there are only facts."
"That's the problem with people," Delia remarked. "They are so reasonable that just
hearing about it lowers my vitality."
"In my world," I continued, ignoring her comment, "there are no facts anywhere about
creatures from another world, but only speculations and wishful thinking, and," I
emphasized, "fantasies of disturbed minds."
"You can't be that dense!" she cried out delightedly in between fits of laughter, as if my
explanation had surpassed all her expectations.
"Can it be proven that those creatures exist?" I challenged.
"What would the proof consist of?" she inquired with an air of obvious false diffidence.
[* diffidence- lack of self-confidence]
"If someone else can see them, that would be a proof," I said.
"You mean that if, for instance, you can see them, that'll be proof of their existence?" she
inquired, bringing her head close to mine.
"We can certainly begin there."
"Women," she maintained, "are not accountable. This lack of accountability gives women
a great deal of fluidity.
"Unfortunately, women rarely, if ever, make use of this advantage."
She moved about the room, her hand trailing over the large metal filing cabinet and over
the folding card table.
"The hardest thing to grasp about the sorcerers' world is that it offers total freedom." She
turned to face me and added softly, "But freedom is not free."
"What does freedom cost?"
She said, "Freedom will cost you the mask you have on; The mask that feels so
comfortable and is so hard to shed off; not because it fits so well, but because you have
been wearing it for so long."
She stopped pacing about the room and came to stand in front of the card table.
"Do you know what freedom is?" she asked rhetorically. "Freedom is the total absence of
concern about yourself," she said, sitting beside me on the bed.
"And the best way to quit being concerned with yourself is to be concerned about others."
"I am," I assured her. "I constantly think of Isidore Baltazar and his women."
"I'm sure you do," Florinda readily agreed.
She shook her head and yawned. "It's time for you to begin to shape your new mask; the
mask that cannot have anyone's imprint but your own.
"It has to be carved in solitude. Otherwise it won't fit properly. Otherwise there will
always be times when the mask will feel too tight, too loose, too hot, too cold ..." Her
voice trailed off as she went on enumerating the most outlandish discomforts.
A long silence ensued, and then in that same sleepy voice she said, "To choose the
sorcerers' world is not just a matter of saying you have. You have to act in that world.
"In your case, you have to dream. Have you dreamt-awake since your return?"
In a thoroughly morose mood, I admitted that I hadn't.
"Then you haven't made your decision yet," she observed severely. "You are not carving
your new mask. You are not dreaming your other self.
"Sorcerers are bound to their world solely through their impeccability."
Post je objavljen 05.01.2014. u 16:29 sati.