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In 1979 I decided to drop out of college and "run away" to the circus. I told my family and everyone else, who might care, of my intentions. When the circus came to San Francisco I went to ask for a job, but didn't meet the right people, so I hitched a ride to Fresno to talk to the guy hiring vendors. Selling cotton candy is the entry level position for a job with the circus. The pay off was that you got to bunk on the train dormitory style, but not if you were a girl I found out, at least not right then. The women were bunked two to a car and only performers got that much room. And to be a performer you had to audition at the winter headquarters. After a year of calling long distance trying to get a concession job with a bunk I gave it up.

Considering my disillusionment with a liberal arts education, the circus was an apt alternative. It was my dream to be the dancer sitting on top of the elephants head. Most performers actually do not live on the train. They drive live-in vans and also stayed in hotels, but vendors weren't paid enough to make that financially feasible. The Ringling Brothers had two trains. The red train did the southern route and the blue train did the northern route. Then they switched. They have the largest privately owned trains in the US.

Ironically I've never actually seen a performance of the Ringling Brothers Circus and don't reckon I will. I'm much more the Cirque de Soleil type. And yes I loved Water For Elephants.

I also went to Thailand that summer and my relatives were horrified by my plan to join the circus. They told me it would besmirch the family name, but that didn't discourage me. My father suggested I stay in Thailand, but my grandmother was such a tyrant I said no way. Had she not been I might have spent a few years in Bangkok quite possibly working for an English language newspaper. My parents were getting a divorce that year so didn't have much leverage in my decision and I no longer had to ask my father to pay for college so I didn't have to be beholden to anything he had to say in the matter. (I later got myself a job working nights as a movie projectionist.)

My transfer to U.C Berkeley (from U.C. Santa Cruz) was accepted and my family was very proud, but that still wasn't enough of a draw to justify the expense. So I came home, enrolled in the local community college and knocked around trying to find myself on my own terms until I finally found a degree I could stomach and transferred to San Jose State. My only requirement was that it not require either reading or writing. The irony of this continues to amuse me. (Math was definately out of the question also.) And that's how I came to complete a BS degree in graphic design, a process that took me 8 years all told. And it did get me a job as a paste-up artist and typesetter for 10 years. A year into the job, I decided I wanted to write my book and that's what I did to offset the boredom of it all and imbue myself with yet another dream. (I also met five people there who still figure in my life; five creative people also spinning their wheels looking for their dream—three in photography; the rest of us in the public relations department. Plus I met Catherine through a mutual friend there. So was a crucial juncture, this job.)

It really is the dreaming that sets us apart from the despairing hoipalloi, I've noted, especially in these recession years. There are feasible dreams and there are fantasy dreams. The feasible ones take work.