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THE DEAD PARROT SKETCH

[Scene: pet shop. Mr. Praline walks into the shop carrying a dead parrot in a cage. He walks to counter where shopkeeper tries to hide below cash register.]
Praline (John): Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael): What do you mean, miss?
Praline: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper: Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Shopkeeper: No, no it's resting, look!
Praline: Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
Praline: Resting?
Shopkeeper: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit?
Praline: The plumage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper: No, no--it's just resting.
Praline: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!
Shopkeeper: (jogging cage) There it moved.
Praline: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
Shopkeeper: I did not.
Praline: Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage,shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against counter) Polly Parrot,wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper: No, no it's stunned.
Praline: Look my lad, I've just about had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was dueto it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper: It's probably pining for the fjords.
Praline: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examiming that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and VOOM!.
Praline: Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper: It's not, it's pining.
Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper: Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper: Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots.
Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture.
Shopkeeper: I've got a slug.
Praline: Does it talk?
Shopkeeper: Not really, no.
Praline: Well it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Shopkeeper: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you.
Praline: Bolton, eh.
Shopkeeper: Yeah.
Praline: All right.
[He leaves, holding the parrot. CAPTION: `A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS' Close-up uf sign on door reading: `Similar Pet Shops, Ltd.' Pull back from sign to see same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has moustache. Praline walks into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty parrot cage still on the floor.]
Praline: Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
Shopkeeper: No, no it's, er, Ipswich.
Praline: (to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you. (leaves)

Having Co , aka Flickr's "Smiling da Vinci" with us as a native of Holland proved very helpful when we walked in the "red light" district near out hotel as my natural curiousity might have tempted me to take shots of the canal front red light framed small rooms from which sex workersadvertise and ply their trade in the City.

There are no notices to warn tourists not to take photographs but Co advised against it and thus with the camera set at ISO 1600 I snatched this shot from the hip from across the canal just to be able to illustrate the thoughts that came to mind when I saw this urban phenominum.

In fact he and Joe saw one photogrpaher getting a lot of abuse and water thrown at them when they broke the taboo and shot one of the women in one of ther "cubicles"

While I found it a tad bizarre , this organised shop fronting of direct sexual services for those who wish to go that route , it brough to mind recent events in the UK.

The weekend I was covering a premier hockey game in Ipswich where the bodies of two murdered sex workers had been discovered and subsequently the naked bodies of three other women were also discovered in the distirct raising fears of a serial headbanger killer on the loose. and unprecidented police activity as the local force struggled with what for them wasan investigation for which they did not have sufficient resources to cover properly without support from addtional forces around the country.

These tragic murders have brought the issue of the safety of sex workers particulalry those who work on the streets to the fore again -in the media and in conversation.

The general view seems to be that sex workers in the UK do so , in the main, not out of choice, but from economic necessity and it appears that many women take this route to fund drug addiction. Not sure which comes first in this regard, the chicken or the egg.

Prostitution, and more particulalry , soliciting on the streets is illegal as is so called "curb crawling. "

Brothels are illegal here as is so called "living off "immoral " earnings. Working from the streets, with no premises is clearly extremely dangerous for sex workers in the UK where they could be driven anywhere by "clients."

Suggestions to create so called "tolerance zones " have been largely dismissed , I'd guess on the basis that , well , yes , great idea but "not near my home." Another suggestion muted recently was to allow two or three sex workers to ply their trade indoors in an approved room or house but that doesn't seem to be going anywhere either.

The solution in Amsterdam seems a sensible compromise and tries in some way to protect sex workers and also their clients it appears although I admit I don't know too much about how it is organised or monitored.

There is no national policy with regard to the sex trade here but there are some small projects which , for example , work with the girls to find alternative work and get treatment for their drug addiction where it is an issue.

The awful murders of those five women have horrified many and in fact the police have been very sensitive in terms of imploring us to remmber that the victims are people, with families and loved ones and that we should not forget this and too readily condemn or dismiss them as not worth our care because of their profession.

It was announced today that a second man had been arrested in connection with the murders of the five women. Whilst, should anyone be charged and convicted , this might allay fears once the serial killer, it is is one, is locked up, what will it then take for a sensible compromise policy be put together as a national strategy that ensured the safety and health of sex workers , rights that all other workers already enjoy in legislation?