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Stripped Clean: Down to Nothing But the Cross (Simply for Students)

From the back cover:

"Do you own your stuff...or does it own you?

Like you, Jesus had stuff. Unlike you it didn't have him.

Take a guilt-free, life changing look at what you have...what it means...and discover how to tread lightly in the world as the steward Jesus calls you to be.

Oh, yeah: and don't get too attached to this book. As you change, it changes too."

From the back cover:

"Do you own your stuff...or does it own you?

Like you, Jesus had stuff. Unlike you it didn't have him.

Take a guilt-free, life changing look at what you have...what it means...and discover how to tread lightly in the world as the steward Jesus calls you to be.

Oh, yeah: and don't get too attached to this book. As you change, it changes too."

My eyes feel heavy, but anyone who really knows me knows they won’t close. I’m too busy thinking. Thinking about normal things and things that aren’t so normal, yet both seem to mesh nowadays. I wonder where you are and what you’re doing and if you ever wonder the same about me. I think…I KNOW where you are and I KNOW what you’re doing, and it doesn’t even matter at all. I think about how choices can really screw shit up. Like…

Perhaps if I hadn’t let myself love you, I’d be different. Different in a better way, that is.

My wall is covered in photographs of things I love and there’s one up there from the trip we took together. But you’re not in it. I’m in it…that’s what I try to focus on. I focus on myself in the memories that we shared together. What I gained out of that trip, besides the time with you.

I also think I have to do my laundry soon.

I think about how many years have passed since I was a baby. Truly, I am still that little girl, I think. I haven’t changed, really. Even my face is the same. I’ve always felt these feelings, I’ve always dealt with the same issues, and I’ve always needed people. Now, at 18, I’m being forced to confront myself, which is something I’ve never had to do. I’ve constantly dealt with the trials and tribulations of friendships, relationships, and conflict with my parents. But I’ve really never dealt with myself.

I guess that’s one thing I can thank you for. Making me face the one person who’s always plagued me. Myself. And I can also thank you for the sweatshirt with your school on it, because when people ask if I know someone that attends there, sometimes it feels nice to say that no, I don’t.

I’m a scary person when you really come face to face with me. At least for me, I am. I’m intimidating. I’ve never been this intimidated by a person before. I’ve been shy and I’ve been infatuated, but never overwhelmed by someone’s personality. I think this is because when I’m dealing with myself, I can’t act. Even if I try to act, I know the truth, so my acting really does nothing but consume energy. With everyone else in my life I can put on a grand show. Even if it’s not grand, it’s not the shit show that truly is. What I think about is…when I climb into bed at night there is nobody there to judge me but myself. I have to be happy with whatever I’ve done in that day, or that week, or that month. Even when I climbed into bed with you, you weren’t the one who had to approve of me.

I’m discovering hidden talents of mine, such as repression, functionality without sleep, and the ability to detach. It’s fantastically eye opening.

Not to say I’ll never fix this. I know I will, because really, there is no other choice. Does it feel like pure torture to go through this process?

Yes. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I am in pain. But what other options do I have?

I envy your lifestyle, because the rest of your life, you’ll be given orders and not have to make any major choices. Your heart will remain the cold, bloodless, beating, organ it is. I only wish I could experience such emotional oblivion. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to not feel. To be able to love someone one day, and throw him or her out like a piece of shit, the next.

But in all honesty, that’s not who I am, and really, I do not wish to be like you. I’m proud of my compassion and my ability to love. I’m glad that I’m not limited to marrying someone in my field of work in order to have a somewhat normal relationship. I have options, I am wanted, I have so much love to give, and that is what makes me who I am.

My heart.

Yes, I am an intellect. I’ve found though, that my heart usually takes the lead in making the important decisions. I am okay with that, because I will never be able to stop it from happening. My heart will lead me in the right direction.

And now that I think about it, I remember you saying once…”I can only take regular photos, not the artsy stuff.”

I think that’s the whole thing…right in that tiny statement.

You’re great at being mechanical. You know the inside of a car like the back of your hand, you can navigate an obstacle course faster than the fastest, and you can lie quickly, harmlessly, and precisely.

But you don’t feel. You don’t feel anything. You don’t see the beauty in things; you only know the settings on the camera.

You never truly saw me. You knew what to say and when to say it (most of the time) and you also knew how be physically intimate. Not to say either of those are bad, but they’re simply…robotic. No compassionate human would not have discarded me in the fashion that you did.

But the thing is, I’m not mad about that, because sadly, you don’t have the ability to do any different. And that is not your fault. We both know whose fault that is. You are not normal nor are you loving. You are cold, selfish, and obedient.

You’ll be able to murder plenty of men without feeling shameful, just as your career will require you to do. You’ll be able to leave your wif

11/05/08
Well, I'm tentatively upright again. :) and look....my face! ha.....

First, thank you so much everyone for all the Flickr mail and support this week, I really do appreciate and love you all for it.

I suppose it's apparent now that I've miscarried....
There is probably nothing harder than to find out you're pregnant and then a split second later have logic tell you that you are losing it......

Anyways, I haven't really wanted to talk about it until I really knew what was going on.

On Monday I found out I was pregnant after taking a test because I'd been having regular intense cramps for over a week(ah...and um...ten days of bleeding)....ended up at the ER that night and they determined it wasn't in my uterus any longer (if it ever was), but couldn't quite tell if it was an ectopic pregnancy.
Just short of pulling me into surgery around 8pm, my doctor showed up and showed her concerns that even though it could be, we couldn't be sure....and allowed me to come home under the condition that I monitored my bleeding/pain and came right back if anything changed.
Yesterday morning I had a second ultrasound and blood test, and although we confirmed I didn't need surgery and wasn't ectopic....I in fact was still pregnant (in a manner of speaking) because my pregnancy hormone increased from Monday.

Long story short, no idea where the lil bugger is, but he's still living. Now I'm on a medication that basically attacks any rapidly growing cells, the side effect being heavy cramping for me.....
Odd....even though he can't survive regardless....I feel guilty like I'm killing it......
Been a traumatic week at best.

BUT.
Sometimes you don't realize how badly you want something until you get it just long enough to have it taken from you....

The hubby and I have decided to actually "try".
Maybe we're finally ready for a baby.....
I've quit drinking completely, I'll be quitting smoking this coming month....I have to grow up and get my body and life together.....cos.....
well. I suppose it's normal to feel like it's your fault?
Even if it isn't, it will always feel that way.

So, good comes from evil......The magical word here is we're going to try.
:)

and damn. if anyone actually read that....I"m sorry, rofl! :) xoxo

The truth, like love, can be elusive, unless you’re willing to fight for it.

Sparks fly when two top notch attorneys battle each other in the high risk arena of the courtroom, but when a strange turn of events thrusts one of them from the role of advocate to witness, prosecutor Ryan Foster and defense attorney Brett Logan join forces in their search for the truth. Working together they quickly learn their attraction to each other is as strong as their commitment to justice, but courthouse romance is not without complications. Throw in a murder case with bizarre twists and turns, and even the strongest attraction will be put to the test.