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This is an incredibly honest ramble with the potential to make you feel greatly uncomfortable, which you are under absolutely no obligation to read. I feel like I consistently take advantage of you because you click on a picture and then WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU MA'AM there's some sort of super deep and emo description. I'm really not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that.

I'm posting this for me, no doubt, but I also know the incredible feeling of reading someone else's words, or seeing their photo, and realizing that the feelings they just expressed were exactly the same as yours.
It's an incredibly weird feeling, something that is beyond my abilities to express in words, but one of those truly emotional instances of clarity and hope.
And I can only hope that someone reads this and says,
"I am not alone."
or better yet, someone will see this and maybe for the first time say,
"Now I understand. A little."
Or maybe you will say nothing. That's more than perfectly acceptable.
But I'm not asking for pity. I'm not not not.
I hope you understand. I'm so sorry.
I disabled comments because I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to think. Maybe. For 3 seconds.


It's kind of been a weird as fuck week.
One of those weeks where I can feel the weight creeping back on, my jeans a little bit tighter, and where it used to just be this fog at the back of my mind, it's coming to the forefront again. Coming right there up front where you can't really ignore it anymore. Negative city central, and everytime I see myself it's just flaws.

Calories, fat, you fail, you're fat, calories, I shouldn't be eating this, hey fat failure, calories, food, food, fat, fat, fat.

I keep making these mini-goals again. "I just won't eat for the next 2 days and it won't be that bad."
But then I end up failing and eating 14 bagel bites, an entire bag of popcorn, cake, 3 glasses of chocolate milk, pickles, spinach dip and about 16 cookies. In a sitting.
And I am far too exhausted to even purge because I know it's going to be a waste of time because I know I'm just going to do that same damn thing sooner or later.

I feel like such a loser. I feel like a let down to my mother. I feel like she has done so much for me and I do nothing but cause problems in her life.
I feel like I'm all caught up in my head and that I am one of those girls that I hate. Those super self-centered girls who all they care about is themselves.
I feel like I am sabotaging myself.
I feel like I have no right to feel this way.
I feel like almost everything I've ever done in my entire life has been for someone else. And I feel selfish for doing anything differently.
I feel like I am unoriginal and incapable of having an original thought. I feel like words fail me far too often to ever be able to say anything useful.
I feel like the importance of father-daughter relatioships is highly undervalued nowadays, simply because it kind of has to be because of all the single parent families. So to be "proper" we all have to say that it's okay, and it doesn't really matter.
But it does.
I feel like a selfish person for telling you about this.
I feel dread because sooner or later, all these expectations that everybody in my life has of me are going to come crashing down.

I saw a therapist for a while. She was stupid.
She said to do yoga and then everything would be better.
She said that after the second session I didn't need to see her anymore.
So I said, "Okay." Walked out. Never went back.
Didn't tell my mom until a month and a half later, told her that after seeing her for almost 2 months (rather than 2 sessions) I felt I was "cured."

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. eff yeah.

I don't know if it ever goes away. Even when you're recovered. I think it might always still be there, at the very back, in a little box, sealed away. But still there. Still very much present.

Anyways, this stupid therapist lady told me, "What happens if you don't meet these expecations of always being the perfect student/daughter/employee ... whatever? Does the world end? No. So stop worrying."

Which kind of makes sense.
But if all you've ever had and ever been is perfect,
and the one that meets and exceeds expecations
then when you suddenly fail,
where does that leave you?

Maybe physically, nobody will die. Maybe the world won't come to a crashing end. Certainly, it won't be the apocalypse.
But if that's how you've been defined, for you entire life, it leaves you without YOU.

Does this make any sense?
I wish that I could squeeze out a little tiny droplet of my thinking, and just for 30 seconds you would understand everything.

Anorexia is trendy. Bulimia is gross.
Apparently that's the new thing among teen girls.


I guess that means I'm gross.

People still bristle when you say you the word therapist.
People think it means you're

Alter Ego
The question who am I? Well I am a teenage girl that is undetermined about a lot of things in life, I like to let thing take their coarse. I come from a history of photography you can say. My grandfather is constantly taking pictures. No matter where we go he has his camera right beside him. Growing up I didn’t always like having to stand still and take so many pictures but now looking back I am thankful because he has captured a lot of my childhood. He has given me the opportunity to be able to look back on things I did when I was younger and realize good memories. My grandfather is my role model when it comes to photography even though I am not the photographer of the family; my younger sister is more of photographer. My sister follows more of my grandfather’s footsteps she is like my grandfather she always has her camera and takes pictures of whatever she can. I myself when I take photos I tend to take pictures of things that appeal to me such as nature, and something fun and interesting I also like to try and make something ordinary look different.
My philosophy when taking photos is that if you see something that catches your eye then try and capture that. I think that it doesn’t really matter what you take a picture of it can be anything but it should something that interests you and something that you think that by putting your touch on it will appeal to someone. I also think that taking pictures of something ordinary or something that other people have also captured it is really important to put a new twist on it and make people see it differently.
I chose to take my self- portrait and my alter ego pictures because it’s amazing how someone ones perception of someone can be so wrong. For my self- portrait I captured myself smiling and laughing because most of the time everyday you can find me with my friends laughing and having a good time. Once you hear my laugh you will never forget it. I have been told I have a one of a kind laugh that always keeps people laughing. I chose to capture me smiling and laughing because I am proud of my weird laugh.
For my self- portrait I chose to take a picture of myself looking very depressed and sad. I took the picture of myself sitting in the corner against my dresser with a pair of scissors against my wrist to represent that I cut myself. This is my alter ego because I do not hurt myself by cutting I could never self inflict pain like that.
These photos tie into my philosophy because by taking a picture of my alter ego I am taking a whole different look at myself. I challenge the viewer to see me in another light. I normally wouldn’t take a picture of myself but by taking my self- portrait pictures I expanded my normal boundaries in photography which gives me a whole new perspective to explore in photography.