It's been so long since I visited the Wake World. I knew nothing worth waking up for waited me out there, so I chose to spend my days in ignorant Dreams. Although I knew I was only deceiving myself, I kept the charade going on… After a while, it stopped being an illusion, it turned into reality. Virtual reality. The lines blurred, difference became invisible, and feelings the same. But, there was no that awful, bitter feeling of cruel mornings. There was no pain… No one could hurt me; no one could do me any harm… And I was loved. I was loved by the Illusion that stopped being one so long ago. Reality and Dreams became intertwined. Became one. I didn’t care at all. To love and to be loved was all I wanted. And I had it.
But… I don’t even know why I woke up. Something woke me up, actually. I was furious, angry, mad… I lost my Illusion… I left if for the first time in so many months… It is going to be worried. I needed to fall Asleep fast… So I tried. As I was closing my eyes, calling into my mind the procedure that led to the blissful, controlled Dreams, something caught my eye. A flash. Blinking fast and blinking vividly. The colour hurt my eyes. I squinted, afraid… Nothing ever flashed and pulsed in that colour in front of my eyes before. I became curious at once.
Looking closer at the funny thing that shattered my concentration and attempts to return quickly to my beloved Illusion that, I knew, awaited Inside so impatiently, I was stunned. Somebody appeared in my life. I was annoyed. Somebody wanted to talk to me… I had no time for that! Dreams become alive under my control! Dreams are controlled by me, Dreams listen to my every breath, they make my every wish come true! Why should I be bothered by something as trivial as the Wake World interaction with somebody who is only going to hurt me again?
The blinking thing was persistent. I still don’t know what made me answer the flash. But I did. After all, I control the Dreams. If I control them, I can make them wait for me. The Illusion will understand. It always does.
So I answered. And so it began.
… … …
It’s been so long since I Dreamt. Now I know only illusions await me there so I choose to spend my days in beautiful Reality. Although I know I’m taking a risk once again, I’ll take it anyway. Because I know he’s worth it… Because I know illusions could never replace the warmth that heats up my heart, the smile that stretches my atrophied muscles in the corners of my mouth, the fear of loss… The lines separating Dreams and Reality are sharper than ever before, difference is so obvious to me know. I was such a fool. Oh, there is that feeling, that annoying feeling that all of this could only lead to yet another painful end but I choose to burry that feeling, along with all the others that prevent me to embrace this beautiful moment in my life… But there is no pain! Although I know I must be cautious, that I must not push things beyond their natural limits, I am happy. I can wait, when there’s something on the horizon. Waiting for somebody or something in the middle of the ocean of loneliness, when there’s no one but me in sight for so many miles around me can only lead to Dreams. And Dreams are, and I know it now, evil. They make you close your eyes and choose the easy way, instead of forcing you to row and to find a new horizon where there IS someone!
All I know is that I never wish to Dream again. Not now. Not anymore. There is no need. Cause you are here. You taught me Reality is how I make it to be. You taught me to look beyond the obvious, to plunge deeper, to dig harder, to ask the unmentionable, to be free, to love myself, to hope, to breathe… You told me what I needed to hear. You opened my eyes. And… And you are Real(ity)…
However this ends, into whatever this turns (no matter it's only a beginning, only a beginning) I know one thing: I will never Dream again. Cause finally I got it: I never controlled my Dreams... I was controlled by them. I wish never to be controlled by them. I will dream, cause dreams are what makes us what we are. To dream is to be alive... But I will NEVER Dream again...
Post je objavljen 01.11.2010. u 21:19 sati.