Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action.
Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit.
I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer.
There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself.