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Bittersweet delirium
It has been two years already,yet it feels like yesterday.
Bittersweet.
The taste of memories consuming me.
Panting.
The heavy atmosphere pressing my coinscience.
Echoes begin to pulsate from deep within.
Fate made a fool out of me once again.Digging up things burried in the dark.
It just had to be today.Of all dates..today!
Taking a turn I find myself at the crossroad of my past.The steps glare at me accusingly.
I can almost smell the spring.And cherry blossoms.
Everything soaked in happiness..
Each breath I take,a small part of that toxic nostalgia-evoking air pollutes my being.
My heart thunders in my ears.
Nii-chan..Smiles,hugs and promises.Back then,it was so very pure.And naive.
I shake my head,trying to dissipate the spidery web cast cruelly upon me.Unsuccessfully.
A pull.Then pain.
Waves of dulled sharpness rake through me.
Goddammit.
Ghosts dance before my eyes and I am powerless in stopping them.Before I know it,
I find myself at the end of that street,in front of the house of my current doom.
Every broken bone
Reminds me of the second time
That I followed you home.
Something in me twists and for a second I think I might cry.
Get a hold of yourself,girl!Afraid of the friggin house?Hell no!
With strengthen resolve,I climb the last steps of my way of the cross.
Yet once again,I am overwhelmed with quivering emotions trying to break free of the chains of my subconscience and splashes of past colours and I cannot gulp in fear due to an enormous knot formed in my throat.
Fucking peachy.
But then,instead of a painful and horrorful encounter,a short embrace.And that scent.
The web is lifted and I feel a strange sensation.Casting it aside for later contemplation,I try to handle the unusual situation and its awkwardness,except there is no oddity and malaise.
Suddenly,I detect a pulse,a beat,such weak occurence,but present nevertheless.
What the..?
Realization struck out of nowhere.I can feel him.
His eyes speak volumes to me.Taking notice of his fake relaxed yet reserved posture,I am surprised how ordinary,almost every day like this all is.My lips stretch into a small smile involuntary.
Seems like my theory of cosmic kinship is not silly after all.
I fight the urge to laugh out loud at the strangeness of the normality of this whole setting.
I think I really am insane..
Basking in the afterglow of my mad thoughts completely hidden from my unsuspecting companion,I feel encouraged for more boldness.
And the madness continues...
I feel you,not as strongly as I used to,but I still do.And in this crazed present which I found myself pushed in,a small trace of the comforting past,what I used to be,is a consolation and a reminder of lost happiness.Please allow me that small satisfaction. :)
After all,this blog exists for you and because of you.I will respect that,not changing anything.
It is a sort of a chanel to you.A therapy.
A tebi,slučajni posjetioče,moje najdublje isprike što osim blebetanja jedne poremećene osobe,nisi našao ništa pametnije.
Better luck next time,ne? ;)
Post je objavljen 16.01.2010. u 14:38 sati.