“What?”
“Oh, nothing,” the illusion said, winking at me. “Just wondering when you became even prettier.”
“Very funny,” I said, although the corners of my mouth twitched in a fail attempt to conceal a smile.
The illusion was sitting on a couch, resting its head on my chest. We were sitting like that for hours, it seemed, watching an excessively boring program on TV. In reality, only a few minutes have passed in the wake world, my senses were telling me that on a subconscious level that I somehow learnt to perceive. For months now I’ve been enjoying the company of the one I love so much in a form of an illusion, created by my mind in order to keep me from going insane. The illusion was a part of me, although it represented the real, breathing person roaming the wake world, oblivious to my feelings.
It stirred, than sat up straight. A shadow of panic and surprise flew across its beautiful face. Its brown eyes widened in a brief surge of fear.
“What happened?” I asked, worried.
“It felt as if… As if my mind detached…”
“Your mind? But you’re just a figment of my imagination, aren’t you? You have no mind of your own!?” I blurted, wondering what the illusion meant.
“Thanks a lot,” it replied, grinning at me. “No, I… I think I must go! The dream is about to be broken!”
“What are you talking about?” I demanded a little harsher this time. “The dream is perfectly safe and stable. I should know because, after all, I am the one maintaining it all the time! God knows I had, and still have, enough practice in achieving the dream state in a matter of minutes. If there’s one thing I’m most proud of, then it’s falling quickly into your arms each night,” I finished, kissing its lips lightly.
“You’re right, I suppose.”
The illusion looked relieved, but I noticed it had nothing to do with my remark of being the one responsible for the integrity of the dream. Now I began to worry. In the past few dreams, the illusion was more tense and alert than usual, jumping at the slightest disturbance in the fabric of the dream. There were moments when I suspected it continued to live on by itself as if sustaining its own existence. But that was impossible! It was just an extension of my thoughts, nothing more (although it meant a world to me).
The illusion relaxed, placing its head back on to my chest. I gently rolled it over and brought its lips near mine. I kissed it passionately, drowning in the taste of the molten heavens its lips brought to me. The illusion was returning my kiss with affection far greater than I will ever be able to experience while trying to survive the day in the wake world. Night was my domain, and dreams my stage. Suddenly, the illusion jumped again, alarm racing across its face once more.
“What the…” I heard myself saying but the illusion pressed its fingers on my lips and silenced me, listening to something I couldn’t hear.
“Shush,” it said quietly, “I think I am beginning to wake up!”
“What? That doesn’t make any sense!” I replied, annoyed. “Do you REALLY want to shatter this dream so desperately? All you have to do is ask, you know. I can easily end this any time…”
“No,” the illusion said, looking me directly in the eyes, “you don’t understand.”
“Then explain me!” I said softly, kissing it again.
“You’ve… You… Oh, you’ve done it,” was the explanation.
“Have done what?”
“You’ve broken the confinements of your body… Five dreams ago, you projected your thoughts, filled with emotions, towards the one you love. Towards me.”
“I’m not following,” I said, confused. “What are you saying? That I’ve lost control? That my dreams are no longer mine?”
“Yes and no,” the illusion replied nervously. “You see… You’ve managed to connect with the sleeping mind of your love, your real, living love! Each time you put yourself to sleep and call my name, think of me or when you try to create me, I’m pulled out of the real person’s mind and dragged into yours! And the person we’re talking about is about to wake up!”
“Hahahahahahahahahaha!” I burst into laughing! What the illusion was suggesting was impossible! No one can skim the mind of another, little less steal it! But the concern on the illusion’s face was genuine and then I realized something. I was unable to sense that concern or distress, I was merely able to read it from its face. Worried, I grab hold of the illusion’s hands and shook them hard.
“What happened? Why can’t I sense you anymore? I just figured that out! I suppose I was preoccupied with the fact that I’m actually with you and you with me! What is happening, my love?”
“You cannot sense me because I no longer belong to you. I’m no longer created by your sleeping imagination! I belong to another mind. Mind that is sleeping and belongs to the one you love so much. And that mind is just minutes from regaining full consciousness! I must go!”
“But wait!” I yelled, horrified. “If you truly belong to that person, wouldn’t it mean ‘the one I love’ would be aware of my feelings?”
“Don’t worry… I am just part of that person’s sub consciousness. Each time I return to my mind, I suppress all memory of the dream with you.”
“WHAT?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “That’s violation! I don’t want to USE or take advantage of the person I adore! I can’t believe I messed things up like this! You should’ve warned me! Oh, my God! You’re even violating yourself but suppressing this!”
I was furious. To take advantage of someone’s sleeping state! To violate someone’s last refuge, the confines of someone’s mind! That was a crime! I felt as if I could throw up. I needed to wake up and swallow the fact that I’ve violated someone!
The illusion was looking at me with worry in its hazel eyes. I noticed sympathy and pain in them but I ignored its stare. I was appalled with what’ve done. Can I be held responsible for something I have no idea how I managed to do? What if the illusion fails in suppressing the memory of this dream? What dream? This wasn’t a dream no more; this transformed itself into a nightmare.
“I need to go! If I don’t return to my mind before it wakes up…”
The illusion didn’t finish that sentence. It didn’t need to; I could come up with an appropriate ending myself. I was horrified with the possible outcome of my actions.
“Go!” I said, tears starting to burst from my eyes. “Go if you must but know that this must end! I can’t continue with this now that I know what I’m doing! I can’t believe you held your tongue for so long! You should’ve told me!”
The illusion started to disintegrate, fading away both in colours and in consistency. I noticed a tear. I felt longing and distress radiating from it. Silence. The illusion was gone. “No, not an illusion. A sub consciousness of another person,” I reminded myself!
I was shocked. Hastily, as if fearing someone would break into my room and arrest me, I started to wake up. It took effort to escape the clutch of the dream. After all, it was only half past three in the morning.
I was awake. I turned on the lights. Implications of what I’ve done began chasing me, forcing me to rise from the bed and walk around the room. How could that be possible? How was I able to break into someone else’s mind? No one can. Perhaps it was just a dream? A real dream, like the ones I used to have before all this started to happen. Perhaps it was one of those genuine dreams that I couldn’t control.
I was lost in tormenting thoughts and I was worried. I considered another option. What if “the illusion” was right? Does that mean the one I love so much actually wants to be with me but isn’t aware of that? After all, a person is rarely aware of his or her sub consciousness. Does that mean there’s still a chance?
No! I mustn’t think like that! I should be ashamed of what I’ve done! I’ve used a human being. I violated someone’s privacy and peered into someone’s last sanctuary. For what? For a few minutes of happiness and pleasure? Is it worth risking everything I have with that person in a wake world for mere minutes of pleasure in dreams? Am I that desperate? Can’t I control myself? What if “the illusion” fails in concealing its little trips to my mind every night? Will that person freak out? No. The illusion will probably make it look like a dream. Good. After all, who would believe in minds flying about in the middle of the night, changing heads?
But still. I could cause irreparable damage. It must stop. It troubled me deeply, knowing that a subconscious part of my beloved one actually enjoys in our little nightly moments of pleasure, whilst the fully conscious and awake person would probably freak out and run away on the mere thought of it.
Now that I know what I was doing each night to my loved one, it must stop. Tomorrow, when the night falls, I will lull myself into a dream state for one last time. It has to be done. Connection must be broken. A person’s mind is sacred. It shouldn’t be disturbed by any way, especially not by invading it when most vulnerable: during a sleep. Tomorrow night will be our last night together. Without a single touch, without a kiss. Just silent and brief “goodbye”. I hope “the illusion” would understand. It has to be done.
Post je objavljen 02.01.2010. u 15:51 sati.