Constantly just beyond my reach. Always an inch apart.
It hurt. A lot. I opened my eyes and regarded the subtle play of shadows on the floor. Although they danced softly and silently, to me it sounded as a thunder. The dream had slipped again.
I was awake for an eternity, it seemed. My mind was set on my beloved one and it refused to think of anything else. I let it, God knows I like thinking of the same thing all over again. It was auto destructive, I knew that, but I didn’t care.
Slowly, the daylight crept in and chased all the shadows away. I watched them disappear, wishing my love could also disappear in such painless fashion. There were times I wished I was made of stone, my heart pure granite because then I would be unable to feel anything. No love, no longing, no pain. I would have given anything then if I could just stop feeling. It was impossible, though. I couldn’t turn into a robot, no matter how hard I tried. I was condemned to suffering.
I got up from the coffin of my happiness and dressed. Knowing that I am going to see the original, not the illusion, later that day brought smile on my face. I smiled broadly, knowing at the same time it was a bitter victory. Nothing will ever come out of this. Just lies and pain.
We met. We enjoyed each other’s company. We laughed. We chased each other in the snow. We talked for hours. My beloved one was oblivious to the fountain of emotions pouring out of me. We ate together. Each time I felt confident, I stole a deep gaze into those dreamy hazel eyes. Eyes that didn’t understand what they were seeing. That did recognize LOVE in my obsessive stare but have mistaken it for a love of a friend. They were partially right. We were friends. Best friends. But what they missed was the entire layer of love beyond, hidden and well secured. It hurt.
We parted, after a day together. My beloved one went home. My heart went alongside, leaving me to slowly succumb to agony. I felt it creep all over me, reminding me of the deceitful dreams the night brings at the end of each day.
I returned slowly home. I took my time, not wanting to return to the crypt of loneliness. It finally hit me. It sucked being so madly in love with somebody who cannot return the feeling. Someone who must never know about those feelings in the first place. Those feelings are dangerous and unwelcome. It felt like shit. It left me powerless and worthless. It felt as if piece after piece of my heart was slowly detaching and dying. I could almost hear its screams as it tore pieces of itself and threw them into my face, as if showing me what I was doing to it. I apologized to my heart for torturing it with so much love. I hate love. Must I really feel this? THIS is supposed to be love? I realized unreturned feelings are one’s greatest enemy. And I was under heavy attack that very minute.
I remember every detail of the face of the one I love so much. Every curve, every strand of hair. Every minute I spend with my beloved one is a minute filled with muffled screams, feelings prevented from escaping my mouth. I want to cry to the one I love that I am madly in love, that I cannot stand it anymore, and that even a second in the arms I crave would be like eternity of bliss to me.
Nothing. I must remain silent. Forever. Must find a way to kill my ability to fall in love. I don’t want to feel anything like this, ever again. People say moments like this only make us stronger. I beg to differ. Moments like this make me want to pull my heart out and replace it with something artificial. Something incapable of love. Something that will never have an idea to love someone again. It sucks. It is stupid, it is pointless. It is not fair.
I finally got home. Brushed my teeth and sank under the cold blankets. My eyes shut, as if expecting something. I fought it. I lost it. As the dream was settling around me, I heard, as if from far away, faint “sorry”.
Listent to this. This is how I currently feel...
Post je objavljen 22.12.2009. u 21:53 sati.