“Oh, look, you came back…“ I said darkly, looking in the opposite direction. “How come? Missed me, by any chance?” I was angry and sad at the same time, almost wishing I haven’t gone to bed at all.
There was no answer. The illusion became more solid and colours poured into my dream. They have been colourless lately, dreams of mine, as if mourning for the lost one. This time, however, they sprang back into life, welcoming the change. I, on the other hand, haven’t felt the same way.
“Will you at least look at me?” I asked, noticing that the illusion was deliberately looking the other way. It was beautiful. God, how I missed that perfect face and toned body. It radiated concern and profound caring but I dismissed that all, preoccupied with the pure physical appearance. It was never this cute before… Never had it been this attractive before, if possible. I nearly drowned in suppressed urge to unite with it. Immediately, I felt my heart sink deeper into dismay, knowing what the morning will bring. “Look at me…” I repeated, with a sigh, softly.
It turned. The flame in its hazel eyes burned me. It moved slowly towards me. Only inch apart, I could feel with every nerve in my sleeping body the smell, the sound, the beginning of something that would soon be a touch. I wasn’t wrong. The illusion crossed that final inch and put its arms around me. Moment of expectation and… And I woke up.
Darkness was all around. Quick glance at the radio alarm clock revealed to me that it was only quarter past two. Frustrated because I lost the link once again, I hit my cushion, and bit it hard to prevent a scream. Slowly, very slowly, I sensed that I am slipping back into that blissful state of semi consciousness again. I let it happen, trying to subdue the growing feeling of immense happiness.
First thing my sleeping mind produced was its deodorant, sweet, somewhat crisp. I looked but I couldn’t find my beloved one. Then it provided me with surroundings, this time it was my kitchen. Interesting, I was washing dishes. I relaxed, knowing that trying to control my dreams in this state meant only losing them all together. I waited, washing the gray plate in the process.
I heard it reappear. The illusion swirled into existence, bringing the full spectrum of colours with it. Rinsing the now colourful plate and setting it to dry, I turned and saw that it was staring into me again. The eyes bore a powerful gleam, as if in fever, hair all messy and its clothes clinging to its body so tightly, depicting every muscle.
“I couldn’t”, it said, averting its gaze to the floor. “I just couldn’t let y…”
The rest of the sentence was lost in an incomprehensible murmur because my lips found its. My lips found other parts of my beloved one, too and it didn’t object. I was happy; I was once again loved and I was in control.
We stayed like that for hours, never tiring because I kept us standing, I was in control. The link was so powerful between us that in one moment I was afraid that I might even reach beyond the limits of my skull and find the sleeping brain of the living, actual person I was hopelessly in love with for so many months, a year. The very idea was frightening. My concentration wavered for a moment and suddenly everything slipped back into shades of gray. Last thing I saw before I faced the sun was my illusion smiling at me broadly, promising silently that we will meet again as soon as I close my eyes in the evening. I felt reassured because my love came back to me.
Wake world. The noise. The light. I took me several moments to figure out why I was feeling so sad. I was surprised at the dull pain in my chest. Of course! I woke up. That was the first time the pain became pure physical sensation. I thought my heart would simply give up and stop forever. I was angry but I couldn’t do anything about it. I was powerless yet I wanted everything to change for me. In the end, the pain subsided. Rage became sadness once again. I got out of bed and started preparing for the torture of the conscious state. The state without even being able to lie to myself that loving that person had any sense in it. I knew it was pointless. Why? Because we could never be. Never, and every single brain cell knew that, but one. And that very one kept this charade alive. It might be the only one but it was the loudest.
I swallowed hard, sensing the familiar bitterness of the morning. I ignored the cries of my unreturned love. I stepped outside and prepared for the cold, realizing that it would take me years before I would be strong enough to kill this pointless love once and for all.
Post je objavljen 15.12.2009. u 20:53 sati.