Soothing words of Maria and her calming "Mia amor..." when -- in my sleep -- I moved my head abruptly towards her in my sleep (dreaming that I was avoiding somebody's punch) and almost hit her... were with me while in detention. I so often wanted to jump outta my own skin there.
It's a beutiful dance of nature, witnessing how the two falling in love begin to "mirror" each other in gestures, already unconsciously making one whole out of two separate individuals.
But I was a bridge too far for Maria. A bridge over troubled waters, a bridge back to the South that she is so afraid of (not unlike myself). I loved noticing how I unconditionally mirror both the best and (what she thinks is) the worse of her.
A friendly handshake is one of the things when the two mirror themselves in the same way (plus vs. plus, minus vs. minus), and it's a gesture of friendship, not love as such.
I feel Dr. Dorothy is right: I had this beauatiful experience "once and for all times, now move on!", but I cannot accept it without resentment because it lasted so shortly and ended so abruptly.
Maria is in some ways making a writer out of me (however bad one I may me...) because I am beginning to fictionalise my own life so that I have an excuse of writing about her more, in absence of new facts about Maria. If it's not related to me somehow, I am just too lazy to sit down and write about it, or check my notes the day after. We'll see.
Maria is too troubled too find beauty in mirroring myself, because when I mirror even her best she does not recognise the truth of it, not recognising all that beauty in herself, denying it evenmore.
(One of) The problem was: I was too lonely, Maria was not lonely enough. She may have well been right when mentioning how the two in love in tragic circumstances in her country (according to tradition) commit suicide together by throwing themselves off the cliff. We probably would have ended like that, because in her I found everything that was lost in my life (which was wrong, it was too much) and She was enough to make everything allright again, instead of wanting (at the time) actively to better my own situation.
I feel my best (and only!) chance of getting Maria back is getting my life back in order and then let the mirroring take place again. It's not and is not going to be easy, but that the chance.
Post je objavljen 10.04.2008. u 16:03 sati.