So, there: I've confessed my Obsession (as if it wasn't obvious enough). In that sense, perhaps this blog should be renamed to
SPAN MARINDVORA
(with a little "v" on top of the "S"). Span is a hungarian expression that carries extra significance to me (I'm not saying what exactly) meaning a person that takes care of the landowner's estate. "Droste" carries similar meaning in old German.
She loves me. And if this is my delusion, so what? I need it. Reality, after all is a delusion caused by lack of
If she didn't love me still, she could stand seeing me and being with me, even if only as a friend. If she didn't love me, she would have told me something about these allegedly so terrible things she did during the last 12 years at the time she broke up with me, when it would not have mattered if she lost me. She told me earlier, that it's the knot she carries in her throat: she wants to tell me, but everybody that she did tell left her. Nothing she could have done would have turned me away from her: what and who she is now is a result of all the things she's been through in her past.
I want to know every little thing about her. But she is tormented, she is torn apart, and unlike me does not want to bring the painful issues back from memory to deal with. She focuses on things that are positive and light and in that she is healhier a personality than I am. But she has suffered so much more than I have that for her this is a necessity. For me it would be an escapism.
Because I love her so "obsessively", I am dangerous for her. It's not that I press her buttons, but my "disposition" is simply too different.
She told me once that I like "darkness". I don't love it, I NEED it, to exorcise my own pain, it a cathartic release for me.
I think I am coming to terms with her absence. My happiness will not remain her hostage forever, but she has ensured that our love has remained unspoiled. There was nothing bad that happened between us when she broke up with me. Another proof she wanted to leave it on a "high note".
I also feel I have another chance: I need to sort out one remaining aspect of my life: work. This will ensure, the daily structure that it provides, that all the remaining parts of the puzzle come in place. If she is still in the country when it happens (it should happen within a month), perhaps we will reestablish some kind of contact between us. I need to believe that.
Post je objavljen 07.01.2008. u 13:22 sati.