SVIJETSKA UNCYCLOPEDIA O HRVATSKOJ
Motto (unofficial): "We'll be in the EU in 2054."
National Anthem: Baruni - Neka pati koga smeta
Official language Croatian
Capital Zagreb ("Scratch City")
Government Catholic Oligarchy Masquerading as Democratic Republic
President Stephen Littlemeat
Language Every language, but never Serbian
National Hero Dražen Petrović, Goran Ivanišević, Alan Ford
Best actress Ševerina Vučković alias Ševe (stolen video)
Independence 1939 from Kingdom Yugoslavia.
Currency Fox
Religion TV, followed by ritual coffee drinking.
“Hey, it looks like Croatia's eating Bosnia!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Croatia
“If you permit your thoughts to dwell on Croatia, you yourself will become ugly.”
~ Paramahansa Yogananda on Croatia
It has been said that "Croatia and the Croatian people are the ONLY ex-Yugoslavians who were right!". And as long as you discount the whole "invading Hercecgovina and blowing up a 600 year old bridge for no good reason", it is generally held to be true. When they don't talk about Serbs they brag about how much you can curse in Croatian. They are very proud of the fact that it is impossible to translate these curses in any other language because of their brilliance. Every second word in Croatian is "kurac" - it can mean almost anything depending on the context.
When a Croatian is bored of the country he was blessed to live in he goes to Germany which is already inhabited by more Croatians than Croatia itself. When there, he will never stop saying that Croatia is the most beautiful country in the world.
The map of Croatia looks like the letter C (although some may argue that it is in fact a boomerang, or a magic banana), which actually also shows how hardworking Croatian people are. They are so tired after the work that they need to lie down and sleep a few more hours everyday. This happens of course to anyone if he/she doesn't manage to get the right amount of national drug - coffee/gossip that day. It creates a terrible feeling of "I-don-t-feel-like-it" and "I-don-t-want-to".
Dubrovnik, probably not built by Croatians
Dubrovnik, probably not built by Croatians
The Croatian capital is called Zagreb, mostly inhabited by students and other sorts of people not born in Zagreb. There is an urban legend about people actually been born in Zagreb, but all witnesses disappeared under mysterious circumstances. There is no proof that people actually born in Zagreb are in any relation to Dodo birds. And, not to forget, Zagreb is a home for more than 101 Dalmatians. Also, don't try to find any grass in Zagreb! It's all been eaten by cattle that mysteriously comes from the east.
There are really two countries in Croatia, the inland country (aka Slavonia and Središnja Hrvatska), which was part of Hungary for a thousand years and therefore thinks it is really Austria, and the coastal country (aka Dalmatia,Primorje and Istria), which was part of the Venetian Republic for a thousand years and therefore thinks it is really Italy. The two parts mutually despise each other; the inlanders are despised for their pale skin and coffee addiction; the coastals are despised for their obsequiousness to foreign tourists and constant tans. The two have nothing in common except religion (they speak different dialects of Croatian) and a hostility to Serbs. The stranger can tell which part of the country he is in by looking at the local people. If they sit in front of their houses, he is probably in southern croatia. If they sit in front of their houses, he is probably in northern Croatia.
Croatians have a long history of falling out with whatever people they happened to be in a union with (Romans, Germans, Austrians, Czechs, Hungarians, Slovaks, Slovenes, Serbs, Macedonians, Montenegrians, Bosniaks, Klingons, Smurfs, Barbies, etc.). In honor of that they named one of their cities - "Split" It`s on the Adriatic coast.
Economy
The narodna noshnja is an export, like cigarette smoke or coffee stains.
The narodna noshnja is an export, like cigarette smoke or coffee stains.
Croatia has several major export products, mostly consisting of sunshine, very strong homemade liquor, dark tan, nice vacation memories and female tourist pregnancy. Minor products consist mostly of popular music, unusual clothes called "narodna nosnja", digestive problems caused by an extremely wide choice of food which involuntarily compels people to overeat and sexual diseases of a benign nature. Exclusive export products are generals, which are mostly delivered to a small town called Den Haag, if they are not misplaced in transport. Their tourist services are very developed- if you ask them. Truly their tourism makes with a few hundred kilometeres coastline, less than their neighbours Hungarians do with the 90 km Balaton lake. In order to improve that and save their pride, this year they expanded their services offer with the newest and quite unique offer, called "Experience the true Sahara". What is most important to it- it's completely off the charge! All you need to do is to wait that their shore runs out of water supplies.
Culture
People
Croatians are very hospitable and friendly (except if you are Slovenian or Serbian - I guess that they really hate their neighbours) in so much as they want to know everything about you ASAP for use in the sport "What-Did-They-Do?" Also most of the people will be very communicative: every time you ask "Do you speak English" they will answer very politely "Ne!" (eng: NO!) and keep on looking at you. You will find very devoted customer care especially in shops where people (even if you assure them that you don't speak Croatian) will continue promoting the qualities of the products they sell. Incidentally 40% of the population are called "Ante". Which would mean that in almoust every school class there are 3-5 Ante's. Also, once someone does something noble to help you out, they just wont stop bragging about it:"Ja sam tebi brate tada pomogo, a ti meni ovako sad!" If you want to be sure and get everything you want, exploit their natural weakness and just pretend to be a German, at least Austrian, or just try to comunicate in ze German. And the most important thing! There lives in this country a fellow named Nebojsa, meaning "tho one with no fears". The name itself is unpronuncable in any other language except Juuuebate, the langugae of the drunk. This is the person voted to be the vorst salsa dancer ever to apear in Croatia, and is prosecuted for kill a couple of innocent girls with he's lack of salsa skillz. This person is easyle recognizable by funnky hair, slash-dot . kind of eybrows and a big belly that does not contain kanguroos, although it may apear so. Nebojsa, also know as the whitest-of-them-all, for he never gets a sun tan. He roams through the depths of city saying "PLJUsnucute", "Prasice" and "AUPICKUMATERINU". Please shoot him on sight.
Language
The primary language of Croatia is (surprise, surprise) Croatian!!. Actualy it's whatever brings the tourist dollars/euros in "Our Beautiful" - "LIPU NAŠU" (as they call their country). It is said, that the country will soon be called "Our Expensive", for they salty prices are said to be a bit too big, for a country that has 99999999 (the number is still in measuring) beaches, but only two of them, which do not have rocks and have sand.
The two most important sentences in Croatia are "We should do it" and "It should be done". Over 1300 years, those ancient sentences marked Croatian history in terms of establishing its sovereignty. Recently, Croatians found a new science that explains the importancy of these two sentences - should-be-ology.
However, after proclaiming the independent Republic of Croatia in 1991, these two sentences have become a national excuse for everything - from establishing the Law of Rights to making the ferry come on time during summer season.
Croatian language largely consists of attempting to say as many words as you can without using a vowel, with double points for z's and j's ("Z'k'j n's' doš'?" --> zakaj nisi došao? --> zašto nisi došao --> why didnt you came ).
Croatian language is totaly different from Serbian, although it has deep roots in it. For example: tea in Croatian is said ćaj but in Serbian it is said čaj. If you already speek Serbian it is very easy to learn Croatian. You just need to put letter "J" wherever you can, omit vowels on the end of words, turn every "Č" in "Ć", every question finish with common "ne?", and try to pronounce sentences like metrosexual, softly, with vocal alterations. To salute someone, just say "Bok", or "Bok stari/stara", if you see somebody eating, say "Dobar tek".
Sports
Croatia is a very sporty nation. You may have noticed Croatian athletes on the news winning all kind of prizes, but inside the country the most widespread sports are Coffee-Cup Lifting, Smoking and "What-Did-They-Do?” All of these require a lot of exercise and this is why you'll find people in coffee places all the time, especially during working hours, as they get permits to skip work for the sake of this sport. Most famous Croatian sportsman is Janica Kostelich. Her big ass is the main reason why she keeps on going down the hill that fast! Anyway, the other popular skier is Ivica Kostelich. It is not known, which of them is female, for they both look male and have female names. One of the most popular sports in Croatia is beer drinking, linking most of the population to the Chech Republic, and mostly trained by old men and teenagers who sit in bars, "kafic", all day, drink beer and try to "zbariti" the waitress. It is very interesting to notice that they celebrate every defeat of Serbian national team by any oponent as their own victory.
Music
Croatian popular music is considered at least nd ndknks ksn lgood, especially in surrounding countries (except in Hungary and on Mars, whose citizens do not even try to uost popular music is still Serbian turbofolk, like Baja mali Knindža, Ceca, TarmiRićmi, Dara Bubamara, Mile Kitic, Sinan Sakic, Sanja Djordjevic... Croatia is also known for Severina. She is a very popular porn movie star (her private porn video was probably the most watched porn in the Balkan region) and she also sings (but her singing is not as popular as her performance in bed).ecause that is where the Croatians are), and is of a choral nature, accompanied by the national instrument, which is clapping hands -- no doubt the origin of the name of the music, klapa. Another popular tamburitzan instrg comnderstand Croatian, but they enjoy music itself). The local traditional music is sung in cafes (bument is the "prim" which can only be played by flaming homosexuals. One of the most popular Croatian Guitar/Bass/Drums/Harmonika/Gajde/Piano/Ukulele/Triangle/Harp/Dajguze/Anal Drombulja/Vibrafone players iz Zoran Vincic, for the most of the nation popular as "Zvina". He loves to say "Pićka" and he is 21 years old, but still a virgin! And he smells bad. Some udyeing bands (that just keep makeinms like some people just can't face the facts that they are "u kurcu" (a strong state of mind/life like depression, when you're over 30, don't have a job, and still living with your parents)). But the most prevailing expression of their national musicality is "Sviranje Kurcu".
Croatian are by default Catolics, even though they hate Church and curse God, so every Christmas, just before geting drunk at local bar in front of church and after geting drunk in church basement, they sing this song: Twas the night before Bozic and all through the kuca, the air smelled of spicy sarma and rakija vruca. By the dimnjak the slapice were hung kinda krivo, In hopes that Sveti Nikola would soon bring me some pivo. Tata was in his soba and he was snoring pretty hard, I guess he was tired from stealing the tree from my neighbor's backyard. Mama was in the basement cooking like a fool, Adding just the right amount of Vegeta to the juha and fazol. When out on the lawn there arose such galama, Tata yelled from his room "Pa, koji je cvijet vama!" There was a knocking on the front door with such a loud barrage, I yelled through the window "This is a Croatian house...come in through the garage!" And standing in the garage right next to my car, Was my drunk Tece Joza coming home from the bar. "Ajde, odi spavat," I told him with might, Ain't nobody gonna ruin my chances of seeing Sveti Nikola tonight. About two hours later I heard a noise downstairs, So I jumped from my krevet to see who was there. Standing by the tree and eating some leftover pizza, Was good 'ol Sveti Nikola reeking of homemade sljivovica! He was all dressed in red and big as an ox, And wore some brown sandale along with black socks. Smelling like a gypsy that's been drinking for days, He wasn't what I expected...I was actually amazed. "U pizdu mater, kako mrzim ovaj posao," he said, And then I think he muttered something about his wife and how he wished she was dead. He put the presents under the tree while whistling a Christmas beat, They were all wrapped up kinda shitty with the paper bags from Ottawa Street.12 carape for me and 12 for my brother,3 pairs of gace for my dad and a can of turska kava for my mother. This Croatian Santa was crooked...he was nothing like the fable, I should of known it when he swiped my pack of smokes from the table. I yelled "Hey!" as Sveti Nikola turned around like a car, Throwing his slapa at me as if it were a ninja star. The look in his eyes was nothing but fright, He said "Jebo ti pas mater" and dashed out of sight. Up through the dimnjak I heard a loud shriek, Sveti Nikola had just farted like some wild bik. He got in his kaput, made for hladne zime, And he yelled at his jelene, ime po ime. "Naprijed Marko i Darko, Petar i Ante," "Ajde Josip i Nenad, Ivo i Mate..." And then he yelled, "Ajdemo brzo, moramo poc," This will be one jeBena noć
However, even though most of the Croatians try to deny it, the mbacks, although nobody wants them to) like Prljavo Kazaliste are still roaming the land, singing out-of-date-pop-rock-ballades.
See also
* Beba Nema Zveeku
This article is part of the What I Didn't Know about Croatia series.
SVE OVO NA "uncyclopedia.org"
Post je objavljen 26.03.2007. u 19:33 sati.