Pregled posta

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


Hot Under the Almighty Collar
By Art Buchwald


Everyone has an opinion on the environment. Recently, evangelical church leaders warned that global warming is dangerous and cannot be ignored.

Here is how the Kyoto Bible would read.

Before there was Heaven and Earth there was only darkness, so God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. Then God decided to create the Earth. He commanded the rivers to lie in their banks, and the oceans to roll back from the land. He made plants and trees to grow on the land and bear fruit.

First God made the fish, and then the birds and all the animals big and small to walk the Earth.

God created one more creature to make the world complete. He took the clay from the Earth and molded it in the shape of a man and named it Adam.

And that's when God's troubles began. God put Adam in a beautiful place called the Garden of Eden. But Adam was lonely, so God took one of his ribs and created a woman, Eve, to be with him and do his work.

They would have been happy forever, but a snake crawled into the garden. God told Adam and Eve he did not create the snake, who really was His enemy, Satan.

One beautiful day, the snake offered Eve a cigarette. It was cork-tipped. He said: "Have a puff. It will bring you knowledge."

Eve, who was thirsting for knowledge, took a few puffs. When God smelled burning tobacco, he called down to Adam and asked, "Who's smoking?"

Adam said: "Eve. She had a few drags because she thinks it makes her smarter and look more sophisticated."

"I told you both that you were forbidden to light cigarettes in the Garden of Eden because it is a smoke-free zone."

Adam said: "Eve is trying to quit. But you can't expect her to go cold turkey in a month."

God was furious because they had disobeyed Him, and He decided to punish them. He made them leave the Garden of Eden and go out into the real world, which God was sorry He had ever created.

A few weeks after that, God looked down on Earth and saw a large forest fire that swept from Trenton to Malibu.

"Who set the forest fire?" God asked angrily.

Adam replied, "I think it was set off by someone smoking a cigarette."

God said: "There are only two of you on Earth. It must have been one of you."

Adam said, "We're trying to quit."

A year went by and God looked down and saw nothing but smog. He spoke to Adam through the soot and haze.

"I can't see anything," God said, coughing. "What's going on down there?"

"The smog is coming from the exhaust pipes of automobiles," Adam said.

"Automobiles?"

"Yes, our two sons, Cain and Abel, have car dealerships. Cain sells Chevrolets, Fords and Chryslers, and Abel deals with Honda, Nissan, BMW and Mercedes. They're very competitive, to the point where Cain is threatening to kill Abel. Half of all global warming comes from cars."

God asked, "And the other half?"

Adam said, "The other half is from burning coal, gas and oil, and cooking hamburgers on the barbecue."

God said: "The Earth seems to be getting warmer, the arctic ice is melting and the Gulf Stream is changing course. Man has made a mess of the world I created."

Adam asked God, "So what are you going to do about it?"

God said: "I'm going to cause a flood to cover the land and start all over again. No more Mr. Nice God."