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1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
2.MacGuyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
4. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
5.Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
6. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
7. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
8. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
9. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
11. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
12. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
13. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
14. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
15. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection. BOOYAH!
16. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down!
17. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
18. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
19. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
20. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
21. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
22. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
23. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was
the third girl he had slept with.
24. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
25. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
26. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
27. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
28. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
29. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
30. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
31. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
32. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
33. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
34. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
35. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
36. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
37. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
38.. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
39. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
40.. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
41. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
42. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
43. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
44. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
45. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
46. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
47. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Fat Chicks.
48. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
49. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
50. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
51. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
52. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
53. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
54. Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
55. One time, a waiter served Chuck Norris an appetizer at the same time as his entrée. Chuck Norris ripped the man's testicles off like a paper towel and shoved them so far down his throat, the man actually shit out his own balls.
56. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
57. Chuck Norris doesn't have to wipe his ass or flush after he takes a shit, the turd does it for him.
58. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked his way through earth. Took barely 5 minutes
59. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Bermuda Triangle, making it non-existent, everyone is now accounted for.
60. The Titantic did not hit an Iceberg, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a hole in it, leaving everyone to perish.
61. There was no meteor that made the Dinosaurs extinct, God sent Chuck Norris.
62. There are no such things as earth quakes, it's only Chuck Norris eating lunch
63. All babies born after 1976 were fathered by Chuck Norris. That's right, if you are under 30, Chuck Norris is your dad. Why 1976? Don't question Chuck Norris!
64. Chuck Norris told me to tell you to go fuck yourself. What the fuck are you going to do about it? That's what I thought, bitch!
65. When Chuck Norris learned of "Indian giving", he was so offended that he went back in time and initiated Manifest Destiny. When he later learned that "Indian Giving" was a white man's lie, he invented the casino, allowing those few Native Americans left alive a way to make a living.
66. Chuck Norris is so powerful that Chuck Norris is not powerful enough to defeat Chuck Norris.
67. Chuck Norris really did shoot a man in Reno once just to watch him die, then resurrected him.
68. At the mere thought of Chuck Norris, Kaiser Souze begins to cry uncontrollably.
69. Chuck Norris once found an honest man in Washington, he keeps him as a pet.
70. Chuck Norris' cock is so big it has it's own agent and he won't return my calls.
71. Chuck Norris limits public appearances because every woman within 100 yards has spontaneous orgasms, Chuck finds this very distracting.
72. Chuck Norris' personal assistant is responsible for disposal of the massive amount of women's underwear that come to him each day, She sells them in a small chain of stores called 'Victoria's Secret'.
73. Chuck Norris is currently in the process of changing his website from www.chucknorris.com to www.chucknorris.god.
74. A company once tried to market Chuck Norris toilet paper. It failed miserably when they realized it wouldn't take shit from anyone.
75. Chuck Norris does not believe in Germany.
76. Who's win in a fight between Superman and Batman? Chuck Norris would.
77. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
78. When Chuck Norris took the test for his 82nd degree black belt he killed 4 people--he was 5 years old.
79. God wanted to create the world in 10 days, Chuck norris gave him 6.
80. When Chuck Norris wants to get drunk, he doesnt have to order. He just walks in and yells "I want be drunk!" and liquor levels begin
going down in all of the bottles and kegs are empty. And being Chuck Norris, you can't even tell he's drunk.
81. Chuck Norris wasn't born 2 weeks early, the world wasn't ready yet.
82. Chuck Norris can and does believe its not butter.
83. Hurricanes look a lot like Chuck Norris in round house kick motion.
84. Chuck Norris does not lie. If something he says is not true it becomes true.
85. Chuck Norris breathes oxygen in and out.
86. Chuck Norris does not have haircuts, his hair just gets shorter when its damn well told to.
87. Chuck Norris cannot be seen from the corner of your eye.
88. Chuck Norris can be unborn.
89. The movie trilogy Final Destination in fact is not about death stalking teenagers, But rather Chuck Norris re-living his favorite childhood game...Mousetrap.
90. Chuck Norris doesn't have to write his name in the snow, the snow does it for him.
91. Chuck Norris can do that on television.
92. There is no such thing as poison... only Chuck Norris' sweat.
93. Chuck Norris knows holds the key to the gates of heaven cos God is his bitch.
94. Chuck Norris needs soothing music to go to sleep so he wont dream of the world getting destroyed, so he bought a piano, but because of Chuck's power he would destroy it when he played. This problem was solved because nowadays the piano plays itself, not because it can, but because chuck Norris told it to.
95. Chuck Norris once ate nothing but bread crusts for a year just to prove to his mum that it WOULDN'T make his hair curl.
96. Chuck Norris's i-pod Nano is now carrying 20,000 songs because it is too scared to tell Chuck that it is full.
97. A man once insulted Texas, so Chuck Norris round-house kicked him in the throat so hard he coughed up Rhode Island
98. When Chuck Norris plays rock paper scissors, his rock beats paper too.
99. All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.
100. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he DECIDES what time it is.
101. Chuck Norris doesn't have birthdays, he just decides when he wants to get older.
102. Why God's name is "God"? Because name "Chuck Norris" was already reserved.
103. Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of himself... booyaaalishiss!
104. Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the darkness, the darkness is afraid of Chuck Norris.
105. The continents didn't break themselves apart, Chuck Norris punched the ground causing it to split in seven pieces.
106. Chuck Norris can catch a fart and paint it green.
107. If Chuck Norris jumped off a bridge, so would you. Or rather, he would throw you off and then jump. He would much rather be able to entertain himself by punching you in the face for those boring 4.6 seconds before he pulls you under himself and uses you as a landing pad. Not that he needs to, he just thinks it's funnier that way.
108. Why did Kurt Cobain shoot his head off? Because Chuck Norris told him to.
109. Keiko didn't die of old age, Chuck roundhouse kicked him for his fish.
110. When God said he would create the heavens and earth in 7 days, Chuck Norris cooly but respectfully replied "amateur!"
111. Jesus didn't die on the cross he was roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris after he said that God was greater then thee.
112. Chuck Norris can win Connect Four in only THREE moves.
--ma, pre je jako... mislim da nisam mogla prestati se smijati nekih dobrih 15-ak minuta.... pogotovo nakon broja 108... [onima kojima treba prevodit ovaj tekstić...puno sreće!] 
Post je objavljen 19.06.2006. u 23:07 sati.