The Marx Brothers

utorak, 09.05.2006.

Antonio Pirelli: You know what I say. Whenever you got business trouble the best thing to do is to get a lawyer. Then you got more trouble, but at least you got a lawyer.
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Peerless Pauline: I've waited so long to find someone like you.
J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone *like* me, I'm not good enough for you, eh?
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J. Cheever Loophole: I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
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J. Cheever Loophole: I don't know what I'm doing here, when I could be at home in bed with a hot toddy. That's a drink!

The Marx Brothers, At the Circus (1939)

Capt. Spaulding: [to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] Let's get married.
Mrs. Whitehead: All of us?
Capt. Spaulding: All of us.
Mrs. Whitehead: Why, that's bigamy.
Capt. Spaulding: Yes, and it's big of me too.
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Mrs. Rittenhouse: Captain, this leaves me speechless.
Capt. Spaulding: Well, see that you remain that way.
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Capt. Spaulding: Africa is God's country, and he can have it.
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Capt. Spaulding: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
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Capt. Spaulding: You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.
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Capt. Spaulding: Signor Ravelli's first selection will be "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping" with a male chorus.
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Capt. Spaulding: Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
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[Dictating a letter]
Capt. Spaulding: Gentlemen... question mark.
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Capt. Spaulding: You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.
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Capt. Spaulding: Have you met Conductor Hennessey?
Inspector Hennessey: Inspector.
Capt. Spaulding: *You* inspect her.
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[Ravelli is playing the piano]
Capt. Spaulding: When you come near a song, let me know.
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Capt. Spaulding: Pardon me while I have a strange interlude.
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Capt. Spaulding: I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather.
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[to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead]
Capt. Spaulding: You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of a girl I crave.
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Capt. Spaulding: Why, you've got beauty, charm, money! You *have* got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now.
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Capt. Spaulding: How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away.

The Marx Brothers, Animal Crackers (1930)

Rufus T. Firefly: I got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
Chicolini: I've done it already.
Rufus T. Firefly: You've done what?
Chicolini: I've changed to the other side.
Rufus T. Firefly: So you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.
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Rufus T. Firefly: You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Rufus T. Firefly: No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honour, which is probably more than she ever did.
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[answering the phone in Firefly's office]
Chicolini: Hello? No, not yet. All right, I tell him. Good-a-bye.
[He hangs up]
Chicolini: That was for you again.
Rufus T. Firefly: I wonder whatever became of me? I should have been back here a long time ago.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
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Mrs. Teasdale: Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.
Rufus T. Firefly: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.
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Mrs. Teasdale: As chairman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Rufus T. Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?
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Rufus T. Firefly: Just for that, you don't get the job I was going to give you.
Chicolini: What job?
Rufus T. Firefly: Secretary of War.
Chicolini: All right, I take it.
Rufus T. Firefly: Sold.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
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Rufus T. Firefly: I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.
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Rufus T. Firefly: [into radio] This is Rufus T. Firefly coming to you through the courtesy of the enemy. We're in a mess folks, we're in a mess. Rush to Freedonia! Three men and one woman are trapped in a building! Send help at once! If you can't send help, send two more women!
[Pinky enters and raises three fingers]
Rufus T. Firefly: Make that three more women!
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[reporting on shadowing Firefly]
Chicolini: Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come he wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us: he no show up. Wednesday HE go to the ball game, but we fool HIM, WE no show up. Thursday it was a double-header nobody show up. Friday it rained all day, there was no ball game, so we stayed home, we listen to it over the radio.
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Rufus T. Firefly: I'm in a hurry! To the House of Representatives! Ride like fury! If you run out of gas, get ethyl. If Ethel runs out, get Mabel! Now step on it!
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Ambassador Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly?
Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.
Ambassador Trentino: Oh really?
Chicolini: Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.
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Chicolini: Well, you remember you gave us a picture of this man and said, 'Follow him?'
Ambassador Trentino: Oh, yes.
Chicolini: Well, we get on-a the job right away and in the one hour - even-a less than one hour...
Ambassador Trentino: Yes?
Chicolini: We lose-a the picture. That's-a pretty quick work, eh?
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Mrs. Teasdale: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I extend the wishes of every man, woman, and child of Freedonia.
Rufus T. Firefly: Never mind that stuff.
[He takes out a deck of cards]
Rufus T. Firefly: Take a card.
Mrs. Teasdale: [as she takes one] Card? What will I do with the card?
Rufus T. Firefly: You can keep it. I've got fifty-one left. Now what were you saying?
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Rufus T. Firefly: [to Trentino] Now, how about lending this country twenty million dollars, you old skinflint?
Ambassador Trentino: Twenty million dollars is a lot of money. I'd have to take that up with my Minister of Finance.
Rufus T. Firefly: Well, in the meantime, could you let me have twelve dollars until payday?
Ambassador Trentino: Twelve dollars?
Rufus T. Firefly: Don't be scared, you'll get it back. I'll give you my personal note for ninety days. If it isn't paid by then, you can... keep the note.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Go, and never darken my towels again!
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Chicolini: Mister you no understand. Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy, he work-a for me. I want him to find out-a something, but he no find out what I wanna find out. Now how am I gonna find out what I wanna find out if he no find out what I gotta find out?
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Lemonade Vendor: I'll teach you to kick me!
Chicolini: You don't have to teach me, I know how!
[He kicks him]
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Rufus T. Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?
Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think, I think we should have a standing army.
Rufus T. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?
Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.
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Bob Roland: This letter's the work of Trentino. The man is trying to undermine you. Now what are you going to do about it?
Rufus T. Firefly: I've got a good mind to ring his doorbell and run.
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Rufus T. Firefly: [locked in a bathroom] Let me out of here! Hey, let me out of here or throw me a magazine!
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First Judge: That sort of testimony we can eliminate.
Chicolini: Atsa fine. I'll take some.
First Judge: You'll take what?
Chicolini: Eliminate. A nice, cold glass eliminate.
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Prosecutor: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chicolini: I don't-a remember. I was just a little baby.
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Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, I thought you'd left!
Chicolini: Oh no, I no leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!
Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?
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Vera Marcal: If you're found, you're lost!
Chicolini: Oh, you crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?

The Marx Brothers, Duck Soup (1933)

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utorak, 09.05.2006.

The Marx Brothers