nedjelja, 26.11.2006.
Ovo je moj esej iz filozofije o smislu i besmislu labirinta...pisan uz led zeppeline! Tu se najbolje vidi ono ke me sačinjava ovih nekoliko tjedana. Zato su mi mnogi rekli da sam se promijenila, ali nisam!
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Ukratko, neovisno o potencijalno beskonacnom filozofiranju na ovu temu, jednostavna stvar je da smo isti kao i sve ostale zivotinje - sve sto činimo, ne činimo radi nekog određenog cilja. (čast iznimkama) No uzmimo za primjer znanstvenike. Znanstvenici rade, ili zbog nagona za prezivljavanjem, ili zato sto je zabavno. E a kako prezivljavanje nije vise toliki problem (tj. ne moram vise smisljati novi tip materijala za nit mojeg luka i strijele da idem koknuti mamuta), glavna motivacija za znanost je because it's fun. Da, opravo tim riječima je je nedavno preminuli znanstvenik S. Irwin opisao motivaciju svog zanimanja. Jedino što se često ispostavi da je nasa zabava uglavnom korisnija drustvu od zabave nekoga tko se bavi npr. filozofijom smisla zivota, pa onda neki pogresno shvate stvari - kao da "se to radi zbog toga sto je korisno" (a stvari su potpuno obrnute A da dodam da za najveci dio 'bavljenja znanoscu' i 'znanosti' javnost ne zna i nije da ju previse interesira (vlastito iskustvo), a pogotovo kad je to neko fundamentalno istrazivanje. Javnost uglavnom zanimaju 'uzbudljiva otkrica' i 'igracke' često proizasle iz toga te mozda zato ljudi i ne vide neki siri smisao jer jednostavno taj dio 'bavljenja znanoscu' nije prezentiran. Pogotovo kod nas. Mogu utonuti u zvijezde iznad sebe i drhati od zanosa....to je stvarnost... Mogu zaroniti u dubine najdubljih oceana i otkriti sve tajne… I što onda? Dosada. Onda bih rekla: glupo mi je biti na ovom svijetu. Tajanstvenosti više nema mjesta. Zar bi ja sad gledajuci te zvijezde, plivajući dubinama mora- trebala se pitati što je bilo dok niceg nije bilo - zar bi trebala tvrditi da je to samo prasnulo i stvaralo se milijunima godina? U redu je. Znatiželjni smo, a ja prva takva među svima vama. Ta zar ne vidite? Sve je to dio nekog labirinta… Krenulo polako, nastavilo se polako i još uvijek se nastavlja. Uvijek je netko prisutan da događaje s više ili manje uspjeha zapiše, da se izgubi u labirintu stvarnosti i sna, da reagira neočekivano ili talentirano – teško je bilo što od toga unaprijed predvidjeti. Ponekad je sasvim korisno ići za vlastitim umišljajima. Na primjer za onima zbog kojih se misli da se neka stvar može zaista ostvariti, ili još bolje: ispraviti. Naši odnosi, primjerice. Shvaćamo li se? Ja vas samo ponekad,da, ali vi mene ne! Znate li koliko pogađaju takve stvari? Netko mi je od vas rekao da se mojim imenom zove svaka treća osoba u Hrvatskoj. Sve do tada, moje mi se ime sviđalo. Dobro, njegovo mišljenje. Poštujem to, ali zašto onda ne mogu i dalje poštovati svoje ime. Primjećujete li kako sam slaba? Primjećujete li ovaj neprestani labirint u ophođenju s ljudima? I zbog toga sam ogorčena na sve nas. Ako već imamo sposobnost govora, upotrijebimo ga za pružanje potpore jedni drugima. Za pružanje utjehe, razumijevanja,milosti.. Ako me razumijete i slažete se sa mnom, recite to drugima. Uputite svoje snove prema drugim bićima koja su zatečena u oluji suhoparnosti ovog (neću reći besmislenog) labirinta. Naravno, samo ako me razumijete! Možda je sada to nemoguće. Ne znam ako vam je poznat razlog…mislim da si nismo dovoljno pružili šansu da se upoznamo. Znam da sam naporna. Tada nisam bila tuzna. U prvim trenucima… Samo s vremenom… Dobro. Postujem to. Ni ja ne pricam sa osobama poput mene. Nije mi baš ni sada svejedno, ako cemo biti korektni. Sama sa strahovima. Preživjela sam. Sa minimalnim posljedicama. Eto. Zapravo cijeli svijet je kriv za sve. Moj labirint se počeo ne tako davno komplicirati kad sam izgubila nekoga. Ne zamjerajte mi, ali moram… Ovo je pravi smisao mog labirinta.Reći ću mu samo da sam dobro. I da sam preživjela njegovo obećanje. Dragi tata,ja sam dobro. Prezivjela sam tvoju ispraćaj. Tata je josh tamo negdje. Dishe. Dragi tata,ja sam dobro. Prezivjela sam sto si od mene ukrao ono sto me cinilo osobom. Ukrao si moju sposobnost za oprost. Tebi ne oprastam. I gotovo. Tocka. Mjenjam svijetonazore samo da te mogu u tisini voljeti. Oprastam ti ipak nedostatke i sva vremena kad si se borio za mene. Oprastam ti buducnost i zahvaljujem na svakom tiramisu-u,poljupcu i pricama o moralu. Jer još uvijek si mi otac. Zar ne? Draga drzavo,ja sam dobro. Oprastam ti sto si financijski smanjila moje mogućnosti da okusim svijet. Ili ti možda trebam zahvaliti? Možda bih upala u dublji besmisao ovog labirinta života. Bolje je ovako. Svima vama,govorim,ja sam dobro. Zahvaljujem na prilici da se sama odgojim. Sama sam nauchila. Znam povijest. Znam pricati Engleski. Ili ne? Nisam više sigurna… Znam sto je bol. Znam sto je sreca. Znam sto je gore,znam sto je dolje. Ja znam. Sama. Znam! Divna sam. Nisam li? Nisam? Bolesna sam. Oprastam vam nemar. Potonula sam. Cinilo se kako me svi ostavljaju i odlucuju u korist Stvoritelja. Zasto niste zivi? Oprastam vam. I tebi, prijatelju oprastam. Ali tek sada. Mozda netko misli da ja nemam tu sto oprostiti,ali imam. Imam! Volim i dalje. Jednako kao i brata. Vise ne mislim da zasluzujem biti ostavljena. Vise se ne osjecam napustenom. Mozda samo ponekad,kad zapuse levanat,a ja slusam System. Ili Floyde. Oprastam sebi trenutak slabosti. Ja idem dalje. Ja. Ivana. JA! Zagorske krvi. Nagle cudi. Odrasle ovdje. Pred vama. Pronadjene u društvu nekih drugih ljudi. Ja! Ja. Ivana. sad zivim. ne prezivljavam vise. Sada zivim. Ja. Zivim. Smijem se. placem. urlam. plesem. ne jedem meso, ali jedem sir od 70 kn kilogram! Ja! Slusam metal. što? POwer! Nije gey nego POWER! i punk i rock. Ja! Slusam reggae. Tu i tam. S drugima, uglavnom! Metal i reggae. Savrseno opisuju mene kao mene. Ja sam razdvojena. Imam naglu stranu. agresivnu. mocnu. Imam blagu stranu. suosjecajnu. njeznu. ja sam jaka i nezavisna i idem gdje me volja. ja sam izgubljena,nesredjena i ostavljena. Svuda me ima. Ja sam sveprisutna. Rastrgana sama u sebi. nesigurna i samouvjerena. tesko je zivjeti samnom. Meni je tesko zivjeti samnom. I na kraju. Oprastam sebi. Oprastam sebi sto ne dopustam vise nikome da mi udje "unutar zidina." Osim mozda Ani. Koja mi digne tlak. I Krešu i Dariju. Jer da mi ne dizu tlak ne bih ih voljela. I Ivani i Suzani. da. Suzana i Ivana, i vi mozete unatoč svemu unutar mojih zidina. Imam mogo dobrih ljudi oko sebe. Ne tretiram ih lijepo. Svi me vole? Mene je strah. Zao mi je,ali mene je strah. Ja sam nesposobna vjerovati i uzvracati. Barem u ovom trenutku. Ali jako dobro glumim. Ne volim kad se netko osjeca nevoljenim,a ja sam uzrok tomu. Ne primjecujete moj strah? Što to uopće hoće čovječanstvo, ako ne razumije čak ni tako jednostavne stvari kao što je ljubav — hoće li se još malo varati prije negoli dođe veliki »bum« ili ponižavajući osobni kraj? Ali možda je ljubav najveća od svih prijevara. Međutim, tada je sve prijevara. Ja zacjeljujem. Nakon svega sto je bilo. Probati cu samo stati ovdje. Pogledajte mi u oci. Ja sam Ivana. Ja sam dobro. Ja se smijem. Ja se ne osvrcem. Radujem se lijepim stvarima. Oprastam si dane kada vjera izbljedi. Napokon! Ja disem. |
- 14:12 - Komentari (6) - Isprintaj - #
Kolovoz 2008 (1) Srpanj 2008 (2) Lipanj 2008 (1) Svibanj 2008 (2) Travanj 2008 (3) Ožujak 2008 (1) Veljača 2008 (1) Siječanj 2008 (1) Prosinac 2007 (2) Listopad 2007 (1) Rujan 2007 (2) Travanj 2007 (2) Ožujak 2007 (4) Veljača 2007 (3) Siječanj 2007 (2) Prosinac 2006 (1) Studeni 2006 (5) Listopad 2006 (7) Rujan 2006 (5) Kolovoz 2006 (8) Srpanj 2006 (3) Lipanj 2006 (5) Veljača 2006 (5) Siječanj 2006 (7) Prosinac 2005 (1) Dnevnik.hr |
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Web Counter  THE BEAT FLEAT Lud za njom Ja sam lud za njom i znam to je glupo al srce udara ludo kad je vidim I zbog tog se stidim al nema mi pomoći lud sam od nula pa sve do ponoći Tu nema spasa tu nema kruva iman kretenski osmijeh od uva do uva žila mi kuca stegne oko srca zbog nje m mucam mekan ka štruca ekipa me pljuca al nije me briga ja prebacujem kanale ma ne znam ko da igra pa namištam boju, svitlo, kontrast buljim u ekran oči će mi otpast doživit ću kolaps to je hipnoza čekam da mi kaže koja je prognoza postoke li šanse barem minimalne da dođemo na iste duljine valne Ja lud sam za njom priznajem to lud sam za njom ne znam kud sa sobom I pari mi se plitka znam sve je krinka savršena slika kult svitla i šminka I znam sve je fikcija loša edikcija al ima modita to je divota Idila! Ka neka čudna sila me tira da slinim a kad je vidim ne mogu se sabrat grizem se ka dabar pratim svaki njen pokret ka radar Priko prike od prike pa njegovog prike sam nabavija neke njene privatne snimke a priko drugog prike sam nabavija broj a sutra ću je nazvat i reći ojojoj Ti ne znaš ko sam ja Ja tebe znam Da li znaš da mi ti kradeš miran san da li znaš da te voli neko s ove strane miluje daljinski ljubi ekrane Ja lud sam za njom Priznajem to Lud sam za njom Ne znam kud sa sobom      ILL NINO With you Yeah There's something in your ways That makes me wanna stay here for a thousand years So just cry your fears, yeah, I need you everyday Inside you I just want to wipe away your fears So just cry your tears, yeah I wish I was with you If I stay well than your tears will set you free If I stay right here and forever with you Everything I feel for you is everything I want to stay with you If I stay right here and forever with you My eyes! My eyes This is tearing me apart I wish I could be in your soft arms Feel you again Anytime I feel like I'm to far Than I will try to remember all ours and your memories I know I wish I was in you If I stay Well then your tears will set you free If I stay right here and forever with you Everything I feel for you Is everything I want to stay with you If I stay right here And forever with you My eyes! my eyes My eyes! my eyes how can I live without you I am so alike you, In so many ways. I know I'm just a copy, That carries on the stain. But, We make the same mistakes. Cause, We are one in the same. But, We leave behind the stain. I cannot seperate. All that lies in me, All that dies in me. How can I live without you? All that lies in me, All that dies in me. How can I live without you? I am your mirror image, I'm all you left behind You made me what I am, Then who the hell am I? But, We make the same mistakes. Cause, We are one in the same. But, We leave behind the stain. I cannot seperate. All that lies in me, All that dies in me. How can I live without you? Why, Yo no entiendo porque, I know that our lives are the same, Y mi vida, Is just a guessing game A dirty stain That I cannot play. But I follow your steps, In the same way that you just walked away, And pushed the way through. I...will...not...live! Do you think of me? Do you dream of me? I always dream about you. Do you think of me? Do you dream of me? I always dream about you. All that lies in me, All that dies in me. How can I live without you? All that lies in me, All that dies in me. How can I live without you? someone or something You make me feel so unreal I want to live, understand In our lies and not to fear The ones you say Right You're overrated on a system But you keep insisting That even way back then, you should have been a ten I was just a sucker punk Trying to get it on, once I got you - forgot you I will leave you high and dry So high and dry your fucking dirty, sweaty clothes are gonna dry I don't mean to diss, I really wanna kiss But not to go through this again Someone or something is playing with my head And I can't stand it I'm trying to not let this shit get to my head But I can't stand it And then your constantly persisting Pissing on the system Trying to conflict, but you can suck my dick Now that I got you - completely forgot you Maybe I am just a prick But a prick that you picked and then thats what you licked Not to be a diss, I don't wanna kiss But you can suck on this again Someone or something is playing with my head And I can't stand it I'm trying to not let this shit get to my head But I can't stand it But tonight I'm afraid I'm only trying to get closer I'm already tryin to get further But the the only one thing that decides is the words That make up the answers Why...why...why With the words left unsaid Someone or something is playing with my head And I can't stand it I'm trying to not let this shit get to my head But I can't stand it Why... When the words are left unsaid Te amo, i hate you Te amo, I hate you you always said that you were right!!! Everything you ever promised to not do, you did You fucked me up so just admit it You are just another bitch and i know that you did it How could you let us split in two I was just another game so fuck you there is nothing i could do So tuff, so bad, so cold but now you eat your words Dont try, telling all you fucking lies Cuz i, make you eat your words and die Think you better but i know that you will never get it This page will turn and you´ll regret it Everything you ever promised to not do you did How could you let us split in two I was just another game so fuck you there is nothing i could do So tuff, so bad, so cold but now you eat your words Dont try, telling all you fucking lies Cuz i, make you eat your words and die Right.... Get it, right I was just another game so fuck you, there is nothing i could do So tuff, so bad, so cool but now you eat your words Fuck you (X 13) JANIS JOPLIN  Maybe Oh if I could pray and I try, dear, You might come back home, home to me. Maybe Whoa, if I could ever hold your little hand Oh you might understand. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, yeah. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe dear I guess I might have done something wrong, Honey I'd be glad to admit it. Oh, come on home to me! Honey maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe yeah. Well I know that it just doesn't ever seem to matter, baby, Oh honey, when I go out or what I'm trying to do, Can't you see I'm still left here And I'm holding on in needing you. Please, please, please, please, Oh don't you reconsider babe. Now come on, I said come back, Won't you come back to me! Maybe dear, oh maybe, maybe, maybe, Let me help you show me how. Honey, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, Maybe, maybe, maybe, yeah, Maybe, maybe, maybe, yeah. Ooh!  Me and My Bobby Mcgee Busted flat in Baton Rouge Waitin' for a train And I's Feelin' near as faded as my jeans Bobby thumbed a diesel down Just before it rained It rode us all the way to New Orleans I pulled my harpoon Out of my dirty red bandana I was playin' soft while Bobby sang the blues, yeah Windshield wipers slappin' time I was holdin' Bobby's hand in mine We sang every song that driver knew Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose Nothin', don't mean nothin' hon' if it ain't free, no no And, feelin' good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues You know, feelin' good was good enough for me Good enough for me and my Bobby Mcgee From the Kentucky coal mine To the California sun There Bobby shared the secrets of my soul Through all kinds of weather Through everything we done Yeah, Bobby baby kept me from the cold world One day up near Salinas, Lord I let him slip away He's lookin' for that home, and I hope he finds it But, I'd trade all of my tomorrows For a single yesterday To be holdin' Bobby's body next to mine Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose Nothin', that's all that Bobby left me, yeah But, feelin' good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues Hey, feelin' good was good enough for me, Mm-hmm Good enough for me and my Bobby Mcgee La da da La da da da La da da da da da da da La da da da da da da da Bobby Mcgee, yeah La da da da da da da La da da da da da da La da da da da da da Bobby Mcgee, yeah La da La la da da la da da la da da La da da da da da da da da Hey,my Bobby, oh, my Bobby Mcgee, yeah La la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Hey, my Bobby, oh, my Bobby Mcgee, yeah Well, I call him my lover call him my man I said I call him my lover did the best I can, c'mon Hey now Bobby now hey now Bobby Mcgee, yeah wooooooo La-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-la Hey, hey, hey Bobby Mcgee, yeah (4 bars Instrumental) la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la Hey, hey, hey, Bobby McGee, yeah  Cry baby cry baby, cry baby, Honey, welcome back home. I know she told you, Honey I know she told you that she loved you Much more than I did, But all I know is that she left you, And you swear that you just don’t know why, But you know, honey I’ll always, I’ll always be around if you ever want me Come on and cry, cry baby, cry baby, cry baby, Oh honey, welcome back home. Don’t you know, honey, Ain’t nobody ever gonna love you The way I try to do ? Who’ll take all your pain, Honey, your heartache, too ? And if you need me, you know That I’ll always be around if you ever want me Come on and cry, cry baby, cry baby, cry baby, Oh daddy, like you always saying to do. And when you walk around the world, babe, You said you’d try to look for the end of the road, You might find out later that the road’ll end in Detroit, Honey, the road’ll even end in Kathmandu. You can go all around the world Trying to find something to do with your life, baby, When you only gotta do one thing well, You only gotta do one thing well to make it in this world, babe. You got a woman waiting for you there, All you ever gotta do is be a good man one time to one woman SYSTEM OF A dOWN Arials Life is a waterfall we're one in the river and one again after the fall swimming through the void we hear the words we lose ourselves but we find it all.... cause we are the one that want to play always want to go but you never want stay and we are the ones that want to choose always want to play but you never want to lose arials, in the sky when you lose small mind you free your life life is a waterfall we drink from the river then we turn around and put up our walls swimming through the void we hear the word we lose ourselves but we find it all.... aerials, in the sky when you lose small mind you free your life aerials, so up high when you free your eyes eternal prize Breathing each others lives, Holding this in mind, That if we fall, we all fall, And we fall alone.  Atwa Hey you,see me, pictures crazy All the world Ive seen before me passing by Ive got nothing, to gain, to lose All the world Ive seen before me passing by You dont care about how I feel I dont feel it any more You dont care about how I feel I dont feel it any more You dont care about how I feel I dont feel it any more You dont care about how I feel I dont feel it any more Hey you, are me, not so pretty All the world Ive seen before me passing by Silent my voice, Ive got no choice All the world Ive seen before me passing by You dont care about how I feel I dont feel it any more You dont care about how I feel I dont feel it any more You dont care about how I feel I dont feel it any more You dont care about how I feel I dont feel it any more I dont see, anymore I dont speak, anymore I dont hear, anymore I dont feel Chop Suey (wake up) grab a brush and put on a little make up hide the scars to fade away the shakeup (hide the scars to fade away the shakeup) why'd you leave the keys up on the table here you go create another fable you wanted to grab a brush and put on a little makeup you wanted to hide the scars to fade away the shakeup you wanted to why'd you leave the keys up on the table you wanted to why i dont think you trust in my self righteous suicide i cry when angels deserve to die father father father father father into your hand ,i commend my spirit father into your hand ,why have you forsaken me in your eyes forsaken me in your thoughts forsaken me in your heart forsaken me ohh trust in my self righteous suicide i cry when angels deserve to die in my self righteous suicide i cry when angels deserve to die   Lonely day Such a lonely day And its mine The most loneliest day of my life Such a lonely day Should be banned It's a day that I can't stand The most loneliest day of my life The most loneliest day of my life Such a lonely day Shouldn't exist It's a day that I'll never miss Such a lonely day And its mine The most loneliest day of my life And if you go, I wanna go with you And if you die, I wanna die with you Take your hand and walk away The most loneliest day of my life The most loneliest day of my life The most loneliest day of my life Life Such a lonely day And its mine It's a day that I'm glad I survived Prison song Theyre trying to build a prison Following the rights movement You clamped on with your iron fists Drugs became conveniently Available for all the kids Following the rights movement You clamped on with your iron fists Drugs became conveniently Available for all the kids I buy my crack, I smack my bitch Right here in hollywood (nearly 2 million americans are Incarcerated in the prison system Prison system of the us) Theyre trying to build a prison (for you and me to live in) Another prison system (for you and me to live in) Minor drug offenders fill your prisons You dont even flinch All our taxes paying for your wars Against the new non-rich Minor drug offenders fill your prisons You dont even flinch All our taxes paying for your wars Against the new non-rich The percentage of americans in the prison system Prison system, has doubled since 1985 Theyre trying to build a prison (for you and me to live in) Another prison system For you and i, for you and i, for you and i. Theyre trying to build a prison Theyre trying to build a prison Theyre trying to build a prison For you and me Oh baby, you and me. All research and successful drug policy show That treatment should be increased And law enforcement decreased While abolishing mandatory minimun sentences All research and successful drug policy show That treatment should be increased And law enforcement decreased While abolishing mandatory minimun sentences Utilising drugs to pay for secret wars around the world Drugs are now your global policy now you police the globe I buy my crack, I smack my bitch Right here in hollywood Drug money is used to rig elections And train brutal corporate sponsored dictators Around the world Theyre trying to build a prison (for you and me to live in) Another prison system (for you and me to live in) Spider The piercing radiant moon, The storming of poor June, All the life running through her hair, Approaching guiding light, Our shallow years in fright, Dreams are made winding through my head, Through my head, Before you know, Awake, Your lives are open wide, The V-chip gives them sight, All the life running through her hair, The spiders all in tune, The evening of the moon, Dreams are made winding through my head, Through my head, Before you know, Awake Through my head, Before you know, Before you know I will be waiting all awake, Dreams are made winding through her hair, Dreams are made winding through her hair. |
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