Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers.
Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.
If one sticks too rigidly to one's principles, one would hardly see anybody.
You should not live one way in private, another in public.
Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far.
The scornful nostril and the high head gather not the odors that lie on the track of truth.
We do not believe if we do not live and work according to our belief.
Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something.
You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do.
Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.
Take a two-mile walk every morning before breakfast.
We think in generalities, but we live in detail.
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
The strongest possible piece of advice I would give any young woman is: Don't screw around, and don't smoke.
A smiling face is half the meal.
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Depend not on fortune, but on conduct.
Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousand of miles and all the years you have lived.
Where facts are few, experts are many.
Worrying about them always struck me as about as useful as worrying about getting hit by lightning.
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
To do anything truly worth doing, I must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in with gusto and scramble through as well as I can.
It's never just a game when you're winning.
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now... only much, much better.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.
Whatever you fear most has no power - it is your fear that has the power.
The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.
One of the best rules in conversation is, never to say a thing which any of the company can reasonably wish had been left unsaid.
Illusions are art, for the feeling person, and it is by art that you live, if you do.
Funny business, a woman's career: the things you drop on the way up the ladder so you can move faster. You forget you'll need them again when you get back to being a woman. It's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman.
We are what we repeatedly do.
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster. Your life will never be the same again.
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something.
The freethinking of one age is the common sense of the next.
To try to be better is to be better.
He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed.
There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.
You know what's interesting about Washington? It's the kind of place where second-guessing has become second nature.
He who labors diligently need never despair; for all things are accomplished by diligence and labor.
We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them.
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.
Never rely on the glory of the morning nor the smiles of your mother-in-law.
Think of yourself as an incandescent power, illuminated and perhaps forever talked to by God and his messengers.
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporaly out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
A doctor saves lives -- It's up to people to create lives that are worth saving.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind.
No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded.
Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
None are so busy as the fool and knave.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
There are admirable potentialities in every human being. Believe in your strength and your youth. Learn to repeat endlessly to yourself, 'It all depends on me.'
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers.
The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois.
Nothing is said that has not been said before.
But be, as you have been, my happiness...
In the absences of a decent time machine, fiction remains the most sturdy vehicle for visiting other eras.
'Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.' Under the influence of this pestilent morality, I am forever letting tomorrow's work slop backwards into today's, and doing painfully and nervously today what I could do quickly and easily tomorrow.
Good habits, which bring our lower passions and appetites under automatic control, leave our natures free to explore the larger experiences of life.
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.
The faceless, eyeless armed man above me kept his gun very level.
I like weights. You know where you stand with them. Well, sometimes you're lying under them, trying not to let them crush you, but you see, you KNOW they'd crush you if they could. There's honesty.
Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.
How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down.
For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.
You always pass failure on the way to success.
Peace is when time doesn't matter as it passes by.
His priority did not seem to be to teach them what he knew, but rather to impress upon them that nothing, not even... knowledge, was foolproof.
Never part without loving words to think of during your absence. It may be that you will not meet again in life.
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
Be honorable yourself if you wish to associate with honorable people.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
The average person thinks he isn't.
Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.
I am not young enough to know everything.
All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse.
God creates men, but they choose each other.
Sorrow was like the wind. It came in gusts.
Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success - yours or his.
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Man is only miserable so far as he thinks himself so.
The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.
I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street.
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
She screamed as she went down, and I saw her thrashing to get up, but she couldn't, the crowd's pressure was too strong.
I had no idea how much of this was making it through the muffling bag.
Keep cool and you command everybody.
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.
The discovery of a new dish does more for human happiness than the discovery of a new star.
You should not live one way in private, another in public.
It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius.
The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.
They can conquer who believe they can.
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle.
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
The strongest possible piece of advice I would give any young woman is: Don't screw around, and don't smoke.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
I'm moving, but don't worry! Someone once told me we're all on the same planet, so I'll be okay!
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
He who labors diligently need never despair; for all things are accomplished by diligence and labor.
The best of us must sometimes eat our words.
Deeds, not words shall speak me.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration.
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.
Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.
Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
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