Say halo to ABC’s inferior ‘Angels’
Not every beauty can be an angel.
Part of the retro movement sweeping prime time, ABC’s remake of the 1970s hit needs all the prayers it can get.
Before becoming private investigators, Abby (Rachael Taylor, “Grey’s Anatomy”) was a Park Avenue socialite who became a first-class thief. Kate (Annie Ilonzeh, “General Hospital”) was a crooked cop on the take.
In “Angel With a Broken Wing,” the two seek to avenge the death of one of their own by apprehending her killer, a trafficker of humans (Carlos Bernard, “24”), with the help of a biker (Minka Kelly, “Friday Night Lights”) with a dark past.
There are sleek cars, tight dresses, explosions, sprays of gunfire, mixed martial arts and dialogue that falls like granite.
The women never sparkle on camera.
Drew Barrymore, who starred in the two big-screen versions, serves as executive producer alongside original series producer Leonard Goldberg. Writers Alfred Gough and Miles Millar (“Smallville”) seem to have generated their script from a Mad Libs exercise.
The angels now operate out of the Townsend Agency, located in a swanky Miami complex. The speaker box has been replaced with a desktop model out of “Star Trek.”
The most radical change in this reboot?
Bosley — in the form of Ramon Rodriguez — has been hunkified, a slab of beefcake who is an expert hacker. It’s a cagey move on ABC’s part. Why shouldn’t the women at home get some eye candy?
Whether the ladies were disguising themselves as magician’s assistants or going undercover as prisoners on a chain gang, the 1970s “Charlie’s Angels” had a sense of playfulness. The actresses (original stars Farrah Fawcett, Kate Jackson and especially Jaclyn Smith) knew they were filling a silly hour and seemed to be winking at the camera.
Their series was a bundle of contradictions: It marked the birth of “jiggle-vision” and yet was a feminist statement (three independent women investigating crime), but not a threatening one (they all still answered to the invisible Charlie).
This viewer didn’t recognize the voice of Charlie in the rough cut. Robert Wagner was set to step in to replace the late, smooth John Forsythe (“Dynasty”) but reportedly bowed out due to scheduling issues. ABC declined to respond to a request for clarification, and it’s unclear if the show will be able to secure a name actor in time to dub the dialogue for the premiere.
Whoever reads those stilted lines, it won’t make a difference.
These angels never take flight.
