Dust tales
srijeda, 14.08.2013.
Yippie-Ki-Yay!
 Dear life, today is a better day then yesterday. I woke up at nine thirty in the morning and started working. I work from home, so nobody checks on me – which is good since I’m throwing up most of the time and filling awful the rest. I work for a couple of hours and then I have to lay down and rest. I fucking hate it. I will never take and anti-depressants, ever. I spent one month feeling awful when I started taking then, and two months now feeling like a doormat for a fucking army. My personal and business lives are in shambles. There are good lights though. I spent some time with my son on the beach, and then went to the cinema to seed “Pacific Rim” in 3D. The last 3d movie I saw was Horror on Elm street (some number, I can’t remember) when I was twelve in my home town. It was nice, but hard on my eyes since the viewing experience is different from normal. I had to fix my head on a specific position and focus on non focusing my view, if you get my meaning. And of course, I just signed a two thousand euro contract with a foreign company. Which on the down side requires me to move three countries up north, which on the up side leaves me in a country which has legalized prostitutions which will leave me free from dating and all those awful emotional entaglements and low sexual expectations which are the norm here in Croatia. I did some research as I was laying being sick. There are a couple brothels and a lot of escort girls which do also FFM pairing which is the first thing I’m going to do with my paycheck. The price is really low , so Yippie-Ki-Yay! Its a kinda of ritual that the only thing I do when I lay down is to masturbate, watch porn and look for prostitutes. Hmm, that is probably a really character deficit. Or isn’t it? If some moral Christian double face reads this , I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of ugly comments. Well, any reader is a good reader. I saw a really beautiful blonde on the market today. She was selling vegetables and fruits on a stall. It was raining and I was lounging bellow the cover inside the open market and ogling her. She was dressed as a peasant girl, cotton shorts, cotton undershirt and some ugly shoes. I’m not partial to that style, but hey she had great long legs, smooth and white, small breasts and a beautiful gentle face which ended with locks of curly blonde hair. Should have asked her out, but was afraid to do so. That’s a thing I need to fix on my self. What is the worst that can happen, she could just say no. Well , in my defense I’m dealing with a withdrawal, panic attacks from the impending movement and missing my son who I don’t get to see anymore which makes me behave in abnormal and erratic ways (see my sex addiction above). The last girlfriend I had said I was the fucking nicest guy she ever was with. Hmm, actually a lot of them say that. I was a nice guy, not anymore. I just fake it, because I don’t have the emotional strength to actually be in a serious or any kind of relationship with any one, male or female (I do get a lot of gay, bi-sex male request ... weird I’m not really gay or attracted to men – probably since I was orally raped by a man when I was kid – that guy is on my hit list). My apartment is a mess. The bed is completely broken (like all sides on the floor), don’t know what to do with that. The landlord is going to kill me. The sink is covered in several days of unwashed dishes and the floor is filled with tobacco bits from my rolling. I will clean it this weekend since I really can’t stand it, but I’m felling nauseous all the time so extended physical activities are out of the question. Did I say I really hate my life right now? No? I hate it. Now, I said it. I hate my life right now. Do you want to know how I want my life to look like. Probably not, but I’m going to tell you regardless. I wish to love somebody. I wish that person to love me. I wish to be happy with my self, my job, my apartment and the person I’m with. I want to be with that person, travel, talk a lot, solve problems and have crazy good sex with her and her friends (ok that maybe a sexual fantasy, but its my dream life gorram!). |
