CAMERA SHOP BELFAST

See, ma family was there or there about an aw but hell, they were going through most of the c.ap jist like me so it wisnae fair to ladle me melancholy soup into their cold bowls. Plus, as close as we are, we’re no ones for indulging any self-pitying, whimsical nonsense like depression, unfettered grief or total f.cking personality meltdowns. Gies a good party and a Pogues song, gies a calming Sunday dinner, gies a warm day and an easy hillside and we’re as guid as it gets, just don’t gies any of your signs of weakness. We’re no that type of family. Whit we are though is blood tight and more, we're growing well together after it all.



I mean, even when it wasn't them around it wisnae all bad, wisnae much good like, but certainly no aw bad. Me and wee Hazel, we were close at that time an aw. Like two satellites skiting on a crappy orbit around the planet navel, both looking inwards, both looking down. We spun each other around, kept each other goin’ when aw the functions of sanity were grinding to a sloppy halt. We got each other. We got each others misery, we shared the same smaw pleasures and, well, f.ck it, we both gave guid cuddles when aw else failed. So there wis good around me, there was love and some understanding and, in retrospect, the binding of a relationship that is as stodgily steady in a gold gilded kinda way as they come. If ye ever want to know if its worth it to stick by someone, let me tell ye, it is as worth it as anything ye’ll ever do. Life needs life, life needs a bit ae love and love does nae come any better than when its been hard forged against a backdrop of some heavy going social realism. Disney as produced by Ken Loach, that's me and Hazel so it is.



There wis good going on in thay shots an aw. Aw that literal clowning around, that was good for the soul, know whit a mean? It was as far from anything a knew as ye could get. A mean, take it for granted if ye want but look at them if ye want. Who’s that? Why’s that happening? That there clown is jist a guy, a 9-5, everyman kinda man. I’m nobody special with nothing special to say. But a hud that in me and a used that there camera to turn in on maself. And turn it on maself a did, life a f.cking dredger so it wis, scouring right down in ma bony wee chest and houking up drips and drabs of emotion, memory, confusion and, well, f.cking life that a had spotting around inside me. A tell ye what, it cleared a lot up, wis like a map of me at times. All of a sudden a could figure oot how I was and why I was and why I did what I did when I did and, f.ck it, everything like. Every flaw, every bloody mistake, missed chance and never wis. I saw it aw perfectly clear and while a cannae claim to huv dealt with each blotch on the character and a cannae claim to huv learnt every lesson good and well but when I muck up, at least a know why.



There is guid in the travel shots too. Ye know whit they are when a see them, a big f.cking wave that’s whit. A big wave of temperature and smell, of poverty and riches, of places strange and surreal, of loneliness and fear, of terror and exhilaration. Every moment captured like it wis, like it wis then and now like it is in ma head right f.cking now. Wonderful so it is, but overwhelming as well. A did aw that, a saw aw that and a tell ye whit, a did it alone, aw f.cking alone. That wis the dream a parked on the shelf, that wis the life a nearly lost and woah boy man a tell ye, if you have one, if ye’ve got a goal that niggles and twists against common sense, don’t let it go. F.cking grab the wee b.gger and live it right through and right out of ye because there is no feeling like that moment when aw the tension of failing yerself, of not being the one thing ye wanted to be, aw that angst and torment, aw that feeling sinks out of you. Pure oxygen man, that’s whit a wis breathing. Day One - Amsterdam Airport after the worst goodbye ever. Day whatever, lost in the Caucasus mountains. Day sometime – climbing tombs in the Syrian desert. Day of days – getting stuck in a toilet in Penn Station when I wis supposed to be meeting Hazel under the Manhattan skyline. Life, aw of it, and aw of it mine. A could greet jist remembering it and a kid ye not. A could f.cking greet with the knowing that those feelings are mine and not a soul elses. And a could greet knowing its recorded in ma head and in those shots for time memorial and more. F.cking magic.



So that is why there his been aw the hand wringing about my lack of camera action and that is why I’ll wring some more about the meaning and quality of these shots and that’s why a will wring some more words out till I figure out what they are. And am getting there, a am getting close and ye know whit, its good. The shots are playful, a wis playing there that night, up there, these shots. A wis running through fields, a wis dodging bats and snatching at the moon. A wis light as f.ck and ready to go. Time and space and light were mine and a wis playing and a only

OK, this unassuming picture needs the full story.

Nack, Zoe and I are hurriedly leaving the tavern in the background. We had entered to get a quick drink and a toilet break. Zoe gave an order for hot chocolates and a coffee to the barman and paid up front. Five minutes later the barman came to our table and asked for our order. Zoe explained she'd already ordered and paid for 3 drinks. The barman accepted this, then asked us what we'd like to drink. We explained that the three drinks were for all three of us. He shook our hands and went back to the bar. He repeated this exercise of coming over to ask us for our orders twice. It was only on the third visit that I noticed his flies undone and his boxers hanging out. On the one hand we were looking for the hidden cameras, but on the other we were genuinely worried we might not get out of the place alive. He eventually delivered a coffee to Zoe, after an annoyed looking woman appeared from the kitchen to berate him. It arrived with most of the coffee in the saucer and the teaspoon sticking out of the cup. A few minutes later he started staggering towards us with a hot chocolate in each hand. You've never seen me and Nack move so fast; we didn't want to get covered in hot chocolate so made a grab for the cups as soon as we could.
We drank very fast and left even faster, and it was only when the bikes were unlocked that we dared taking this photogrpah.

This tavern is probably a very nice locals pub.

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