ihop

(related: denny s, ihop, )

Note: I usually honor HaShem (the Name) by putting a dash in G-d or L-rd. However, for the purpose of clarity, I am suspending the practice for this post.

Youre visiting IHOP for the first time. You go to the prayer room for an intercessory prayer meeting. You listen to people pray on the microphone. And one after the other, no matter their origin or accent, each addresses the Lord in exactly the same way:

Come, Gohd! they cry. Gohd, bring revival to Kansas City! You are the Gohd of all power and might! Gohd, send Your Spirit! We ask for Your presence, O Gohd!!

And you think, I worship God. Who is this Gohd fella theyre praying to? Maybe they really are a cult.

The third most obvious custom of IHOP is the use of Gohd. The pronunciation is hard to describe—kind of a cross between goad and gawd. Its all about the vowel. Im no linguist, but I shall attempt to describe how to ihop the effect for posterity. Now you, too, can speak like an IHOPer in four easy steps!

1. Say the word dont.
2. Now pronounce dont with a Minnesota accent (the Minnesota accent is vital! Vital!! to the process—do not even think of even trying another accent!). This will produce a closed ooooo sound. Think of Fargo and try again: ooooo. If you have never met a Minnesotan or seen Fargo, say dont and really stretch it out. Isolate the vowel sound as the o starts to transition into the nt.
3. Your mouth should now be positioned in a small round circle. Say dooooont a few more times just to get used to it. And dont laugh; some people really do talk that way. (But not me. Thank goodness I grew up in the suburbs and not rural MN.)
4. Here is the tricky bit. Keep your mouth in that o position&and swap God for dont. There! You said it! Gohd!

This habit is infectious. ihop every IHOP staff member who has been here for more than a few months is guilty of pronouncing the Name like that. Im no good at math, but I have created a rudimentary (and rather facetious) equation for calculating how frequently you say Gohd in a week:

(a * b* c²) * d = e

where a = the number of prayer meetings you attended this week; b = the average number of times you prayed out loud (on the mic or in small groups) in each meeting; c² = c is the number of times you estimate you ihop the name of God in each prayer, whychristmassusa.blogspot.com because your estimate of c is probably too low; d = the number of years you have been at IHOP; and e = the result. My score was pretty small due to low b and d variables. But if youve been at IHOP for more than a couple years, its hopeless.

Now that we have established the linguistic and mathematical (heh) basis for this custom, we shall examine its origin. The blame falls squarely upon the shoulders of IHOPs senior leadership and others who have been here since early in IHOPs history. Serious offenders, all. I think the habit may have started with Mr. Bickle and possibly Dwayne Roberts (that Canadian accent is similar to a Minnesotan accent, doncha know), and then spread throughout IHOP in a viral fashion. And now perfectly healthy people who ihop to IHOP all end up addressing God that way, even if they dont mean to or even want to.

I watch myself very carefully when it comes to this IHOP habit. Certainly a slip could be blamed on my Minnesotan origins, but I prefer not to allow myself the leeway. There is no excuse to pronounce the Name that way when youve said God all your life. I call upon new IHOPers everywhere to resist this trend. Resist! Go your own way before its too late! Unless youre already rocking and pacing like a pro & then youre pretty much a lost cause.