BABIES BIKE SEAT

Jewish jokes

Submitted by saltysteve on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 16:31

Here is a growing collection of Jewish jokes from around the Web. Some of these have been sent to us, others we've lifted from elsewhere.

Where possible, credit has been given, but please don't take offence if your joke is listed here credited to some other schlemiel.

Tell us and we'll put the record straight.

Do you have a good joke? Tell us and we'll tell the rest of the world in these pages.

WELL THEY MADE ME LAUGH ..... !

An elderly Jewish lady took her young grandson to the beach. She sat in a beach chair beneath an umbrella and tended her knitting while her grandson, wearing a sunhat, played with a small pale and shovel at the water's edge nearby. All about were other beachgoers, frolicking in the water, sunbathing, or otherwise enjoying the day. Completely without warning, a tsunami crashed ashore, destroying everything in its path! As the waters retreated to the ocean, all about was chaos and destruction and the fading sounds of the pitful souls that had been swept out to sea. Nothing remained ... nothing, that is, except for the elderly lady, still sitting on her beach chair beneath her umbrella, with her unfinished knitting on her lap, somehow miraculously unscathed.

She looked about, then she looked to where her young grandson had been only moments before. She looked to the heavens, tears streaming from her eyes, and called out to G-d: "Why lord, why?

Why did you take my beautiful grandson who had his whole life before him, yet leave me, a pitful old woman at the end of her life?

Oh lord, would that you had taken me instead of my grandson!" Moments later, seemingly in response to her petition to the heavens, a second Tsunami crashed ashore. For a brief few minutes, once again all was chaos as the wave pummeled the shoreline.

Then, as its waters retreated back to the ocean, once again the elderly lady found herself sitting as before, but this time at her feet was her grandson, still with a small pale and shovel, playing as though nothing had happened. The elderly lady looked up to the heavens and eed, "He had a hat!"

A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........

He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad." His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."

Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live." Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill." "Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Chanukah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

"Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew. "Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!" "Nu, so I'll wait..."

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her

Crash test
Grounding off Hamble Entrance