AIRBRUSH MAKEUP FOR WEDDING

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01 • 17 • 2011

Ever since I hit puberty, I have never been the type of person who has a lot of friends. I'm not talking about acquaintances, I mean honest to god real friends. This really never made much sense to me. If I was someone else, I’d love to be friends with me lol.

For whatever reason I haven’t had much luck in finding likeminded people who I feel really close to. I mean I do here and there throughout my life, but it's been few and far between. I partly blame on the society I live in which makes it really hard for a male to befriend a male in any kind of "close" way. Anything outside of the who macho thing is typically looked at as "gay" or "strange" or something negative along those lines. And with girls, well, you know how that goes.

And the friends that I do have are almost all entirely exclusive of one another. Never do they mix up and suddenly become a “circle” of friends. Probably because they are all so radically different in every way this just wouldn’t ever happen.

It’s funny, I sit here in this big ass town right smack dab in the middle of the entire San Francisco bay area and I barely know anyone in it. I was walking home from a walk with Chloe the other night. As we walked past some lady in the house next door to us letting her dog out, it kind of hit me I don’t know her. Nor do I know anyone else on this street. Hell, I barely know anyone in my apartment complex. I only have spoken the words “hey” and “whats up” to both of my adjoining neighbors.

There is something wrong with this picture, wouldn’t you say? And it isn’t uncommon either. We have become a society of hermits who don’t take the time to get to know our fucking lousyass neighbor.

Wouldn’t common sense say there are 300 million people in this country, the least I can do is get to know the people who live around me. Yet we all remain total complete strangers. We know the celebrities on our TV and the mostly invisible people on the internet better than we know the people we see every single day.

Do you have a ton of friends? If you are a working adult, how do you make friends outside of the work place? Think about where you met some of your closest people outside of your family. And are you as listless with your neighbors as I am with mine?

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That's how many pounds I have to lose before I remotely resemble this person again. Oprah had a great makeover show last year where celebrity hairstylist (and Michigan native) Ken Paves told women to stop torturing themselves by hanging old pictures of themselves on the refrigerator as motivation to look better.

Basically, he was saying, "You're never going to look the way you did X amount of years ago, so learn to embrace the way you look now." I know this is true, but more than that, I have to do this for my health and my future. My knees are starting to hurt. I get winded from walking upstairs from doing laundry in the basement. Dang people, it's even hard to put my shoes on sometimes!

I admit that before I had a weight problem, I would look at fat people and wonder how they could let that happen. Now I know it's a slippery slope: My 20-pound weight gain quickly turned into 30, then 40, and -- WTF -- 50?!?

As embarrassed as I am to put this out there, I have to. I use poor Evan as a human shield in photos. I make my husband take picture after picture until I'm semi-satisfied, and then I crop and process the poop out of them. Who am I fooling? I have to be held accountable, and this seems like a good forum for that.

*Today's Random Fact: This photo was taken right after the minister pronounced us "husband and wife." He almost slipped and said, "man and wife." I would have seriously opened up a can of whoop ass on him if he did. We had several discussions regarding this matter before the ceremony and I thought we understood each other. Man and wife... I'm sure.