subota, 28.05.2005.
KONAČNO 16!
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Pa eto, prije nekoliko dana (26.) sam napunila toliko priželjkivanih 16 godina. Starija maloljetnica, i te fore... Smijem vani bit duže od 11 (mada ne vjerujem da će mi starci dat da budem dulje vani). Eto, danas slavim rođendan. I mislim da ću se konačno napit i zaboraviti na probleme i na ovaj jadan svijet koji me okružuje i koji mrzim... Zapravo ga ne mrzim toliko, samo želim živjeti negdje drugdjeu, u nekom boljem svijetu dgje je sve drugačije... Moj život, prvenstveno. Depresija me već jako stišće i pritišće i ne podsnosim to tako dobro kao kad sam bila mlađa. Kada sam imala 12 godina bila je moja prva depresija i podnjela sam je koliko se sjećam prilično dobro. Samo sam bila sama, osamljena i tužna. Sada nisam sama, ali sam osamljena i tužna i želim se ubiti i stalno tražim nešta da pobjegnem s ovog svijeta... makar na kratko. Kada bi samo mogla znati kako je biti mrtav. Najveća želja... Dobro tu je i nova gitara, električna. Prekjučer sam opet smislila novi riff. Ovaj put se nadam da je moj i samo moj. To mi je jedna od vrijednih stvari koje "posjedujem". Imam taj "dar" da kad god želim mogu napravit neki riff. A i band je na promolu. Kako stvari stoje za mjesec dana ću ga već imati. Sad punim svoj iPod i čekam da vrijeme prođe pa da idem u grad a svoj rođendan... Sve se čini tako normalnim... Onak kao da imam sve šta mi treba.. Ali unutar mene je nešta slomljeno, nešta nije kako bi trebalo biti... Ne funkcioniram normalno. Možda sam samo paraonična ili neurotična, ko će me znati. Ali jedino znam da mi već na uši izlazi to što sam stalno nezadovoljna i nesretna, možda sam zapravo preemotivna. Mada potiskujem osjećaje i pretvaram se da mi nije stalo, ali sve više se osjećam da ču puknit! Tret života je prevelik i ne vrijedi ništa... Čemu živjeti kada se može umrijeti?! Može ti biti ljepo, oslobođen od problema, miran i spokojan, a ti živiš. Ne shvaćam zašto se nisam ubila kada sam prvi put to htjela. Ma, glupa sam, idem si na živce kada tako razmišljam. U meni se svađaju 2 potpuno različite osobe. Jedna je mračna depresivna, izorena i samo se želi predati i umrijeti. Druga ipak vjeruje da će biti bolje, ona nije toliko nesretna, ona vjeruje da će biti bolje i da će sve jednog dana završiti dobro. Da ću imati sve što želim... I tako ja ljepo s tim svađama sama sebe uništavam. I da fora nije Kurtova album moje prve grupe zvao bi se "I hate myself and I want to die". I prilično bi se opsesivno bavio stanjem mojeg uma i mojim svađama sa samom sobom. Bio bi mračan, otvoren i svi bi sve saznali... Sve o meni i mojim osjećajimaa. To je jedna od načina da se potpuno otvorim i da zaboravim na probleme koji me okružuju i da odem u svoj svijet koji sam ja uredila prema svojim pravilima. Ma, kakve ja to gluposti pišem... Ja sam zapravo samo još jedna Kristen Pfaff. Osoba koja je bila toliko nesretna da je završila na drogama i da je na kraju od toga umrla. Rođena je 26.5.1967. - na isti dan kao i ja. Krister Marie Pfaff. Imamo isto kršteno ime... Suđeno mi je da budem tragična rock zvijezda..
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UMJETNICI KOJE SE TREBA ZAPAMTITI
Kurt Cobain je osoba koju jdnostavno obožavam već 7 godina. Prvenstvno bio je super glazbenik. Pokazao je da se može svirati samo powerchorde i da se s njima može postići dosta toga. Da se ne treba imati solaže koje ispiju mozak niti ništa slično da bi glazba bila dobra. Poslje toga, imao je dobre tekstove. Volim njegove tekstove jer se s puno njih mogu povezati. Također mi se sviđa to što je bio protin skih -izma i sviđaju mi se njegove misli općenito. Bio j feminist i to mu daje jedan veliki plus. Vjerujem da se ubio. Uz svu tu osobnost koja mi se sviđa usprkos svim manama izgledao je dobro. Pogotovo u 1988. kada je imao dugačku crnu kosu. Bradu ne volim.
PJ HARVEY
Trenutno ne znam, ali mislim da je volim isto kao i Kurta, možda čak i više. Mada je volim samo 2 i pol godine. Uz nju sam se potpuno zaljubila u ženski rock, koji mi se do onda nije ništa posebno sviđao jer sam mislila da su muškarci bolji glazbenici. Njene pjesme su me potakle na razmišljanje, kao nijedne prije. Njene pjesme su mi uvelike pomogle da shvatim svijet oko sebe. I sada se mogu povezai s njima, a općenito se lagano mogu povezati s Polly kao osobom jer smo imale poprilično slično djetinjstvo. Samo ja nisam odrasla u tako maloj sredini. Glazba je jednostavna i savršena zbog svoj jednostavnosti.
COURTNEY LOVE
Mrzim kada ju ljudi osuđuju samo zato što je bila njegova žena. Pa dajte, ona ga je voljela! I šta je toliko loše u tome?! Ja volim njen glas. Volim njezine riječi pjesama. Gitaristica Jje lošija od mene, to je istina. I u ranijim danima sviranja cilj mi je bio svirati kao ona. Sada sam je prešla, a pokupila sam ono iz njezinog stila šta volim. TEkstovi pjesama su me također naveli da promjenim mišljenje o muškarcima koje sam do tada imala. Zapravo, zahvaljujući njoj i Polly uspjela sam stvoriti sebe kakva sada jesam. Da njih nije bilo vjerojatno bi mislila da je seksizam OK i slične stvari. Courtney je zakon u svakom pogledu.
KAT BJELLAND
Priznajem, kada sam prvi put čula Babes In Toyland (dakle 8. razred) nisam ih baš voljela. Zapravo, mislila sam da su očajne i prezirala sam riječi njihovih pjesama. Ipak, u to vrijeme sam slušala malo metala i skoro sam se pretvorila u metalku seksisticu. Ipak, Polly i Courtney su prevladale i ja sam s vremenom počela jako voljeti riot grrrl, a najvažniji trenutak je bilo ljeto 2004. znači razdoblje kada sam počela slušati i voljeti Babes In Toyland. Kat sam zavoljela s vremenom i vidjela koliko je ona zapravo genijalna. A je, stvarno je. Glas joj je super, dobro svira gitaru. Tekstovi su joj nšto posebno. Koliko sam ih god prije prezirala sada mogu reći da ih volim. Točnije, jako ih volim.
BRODY DALLE
Gitaristica i pjevačica meni vrlo dragih Distilelrsa. Glas joj je u rangu s Courtneynim. Zapravo, Courtney joj je bila veliki uzor. I slušala je većinu bendova koje ja slušam sada i inspirirana njima i punkom stvarala je svoju glazbu. Ja slušam bendov koje je ona slušala i inspirirana sam punkom i Sourpussom (njen prvi bend) i Distillersima. Tako da mislim da će moja glazba bar malo ličiti na Distillerse. Možda ih zato i toliko volim.
KATHLEEN HANNA
Jedna od novih uzora. Naravno da slušam Bikini Kill. I naravno da mi se sviđaju riječi njihovih pjesama, pa ja sam riotica. Bikini Kill su riot grrrl, inspirirani punkom i bore se protiv seksizma i bez njih možda riot grrrl-a ne bi bilo. No malo ljudi zna da ja jako volim Le Tigre. Baš jako. Ako se zna da volim Le Tigre, još manje ljudi zna da su oni zapravo više disco nego punk bend. I Kathleen je pjevačica. I piše tekstove. I ja jako volim Le Tigre. Jako volim i Bikini Kill. I oba benda mi u životu jako znače.
MIA ZAPATA
Pjevačica benda The Gits. Silovana i zadavljena kada se jedne noći vraćala iz kluba. Rpošlo je 11 godina da otkriju ubojicu zato što policija ništa nije poduzimala. Mislim da ima super glas i ima jako dobre tekstove. Šteta što nije imala dužu karijeru i što nije snimila više albuma.
KIM GORDON
Do sada su na redu za hvaljenje bile pjevačice i gitaristice. Sada na red dolaze bassistice. Kim Gordon je prva na toj listi. Njene pjesme volim više nego Thurstonove i ima jednostavno nešta u njenom glasu. Određena doza traumatičnosti i drame koja se s glazbom Sonic Youtha sluper slaže. Jedna od pionirki riot grrrl-a-
D'ARCY WRETZKY
Najdraža članica Smashing Pumpkinsa. Nikada se nije mogla dovoljno kreativno izraziti u tom bendu. Na kraju ju je pizda Billy otjerao iz benda zbog ovisnosti o cracku. Jedna od najboljih bassistica.
KIM DEAL
Njene pjesme jednostavo imaju nešto u sebi. Bolje su od Charlesovi. Ima super glas i naravno, podcjenjena je u Pixiesima. Na koncertu u Zagrebu pjevala je samo jednu pjesmu. Sramota. Bass dionica na Bone Machine osvaja uši
KIRSTEN PFAFF
Živjela je prekratko da bi ostavila išta značajnije, ali ono što je ostavila meni puno znači. Svirala je bass na albumu Live Trough This od Hole i po mom mišljenju ona je bila najbolje bassistica koju su ikada imali. Kurt je za nju rekao da ima predivnu dušu i da je stvarno dobra osoba. Rođena je na isti dan kad i ja, imamo isto srednje ime. Ona je starija 22 godine. Umrla je 2 mjeseca poslje Kurta od prevelike doze heroina.
MELISSA AUF DER MAUR
Svirala je u Hole i u Pumpkinsima. Ima super solo karijeru i nadarena je glazbenica i fotografkinja. Ima i dobre tekstove. Svira i gitaru. Jednostavno je moram uključiti na listu.
NAOMI WATTS
Ne, nisam fan Kruga niti King Konga. Mada su filmovi gledljivi. Mislim da je Naomi super glumica i jednostavno me osvojila svojom ulogom u Mulholland Drive. Mislim da nije svatko u stanju odglumiti 2 različite osobnosti u istom filmu. A i treba se biti hrabar za snimiti sve te scene. Jesam liberalna, ali meni bi bilo neugodno. Zapravo, većini ljudi bi bilo neugodno. Također mi se sviđa i film Ostani mrtav u kojem također ona glumi. A 21 Gram mi je isto jedan od najdražih filmova ikada snimljenih.
NICOLE KIDMAN
Što više gledam filmove (a u zadnje vrijeme ih gledam poprilično često i puno) shvaćam da ima dobrih glumaca i da bez njih film ne bi bio isti. Svi filmovi koje sam s Nicole gledala su bili super. A u ulozi Virginie Woolf me oduševila kako je dobro odglumila. Jer mogla sam se poistovjetiti s likom iz filma, a to mi je do sada uspjelo samo 2 puta.
CHLOE SEVIGNY
Jedna od glumica a koje se baš nije čulo, više nešto kao indie glumica. Glumi bolje od svih onih Angelini Jolie i Scarlet Johnston koje su u filmovima jedino zahvaljujući izgledu. Gledala sam 2 filma u kojima je glumila i oba su mi se svidjela. Surađivala je s Kim Gordon iz Sonic Youtha.
FRANCES FARMER
Napisala sam post o njoj. Uglavom, glumica izmučena samo zbog toga što je bila drugačija. Slamali su je i nažalost su je uspjeli slomiti. Na kraju su joj ubili duh lobotomijom. Nije to zaslužila
BENDOVI KOJE VOLIM...
"I'm not trying to cause a fuss
I just wanna make my own fuck-ups
I'm not trying to break your heart
I'm just trying not to fall apart"
-The Pocket Knife-
-Who The Fuck-
Who the fuck do you think you are
Get out of my hair
who the fuck do you think you are
Comin' round here
who the fuck who the fuck
who the fuck do you think you are
Get your comb out of there
Combing out my hair
I'm not like other girls
You can't straighten my curls
I'm not like other girls
You can't straighten my curls
No!
Who the fuck you tryin' to be
Get your dog away from me!
What the fuck you doing in there
Get your dirty fingers out of my hair
Who who who who
Fuck fuck fuck you
I'm free, you'll see
I'm me, you'll see
- slušam 2 godine-
HOLE
"Slut me open and suck my scars"
-Loaded-
-Garbadge Man-
She tears the hole up even wider
Lets all the darkness up inside her
Holy old, yeah, you're mine
Your everything is mine
Without, without a doubt
Without, without a doubt
Hey, where the fuck were you when my lights went out?
Yeah, you don't want to look at it
Yeah, you don't want to look at it
Without, without a doubt
Come on and let me out
Hey, where the fuck were you when my lights went out?
Yeah, you don't want to look at it
Yeah, you don't want to look at me
Come on and let me out
Come on and let me out
Yeah, tie a soul to you when your life goes down
Time flies when you're falling down
I spread my rot all over this town
And every one of you looks the same
And every one of you feels the same
BIKINI KILL
Peace, love, & equality
-Blood One-
-Star Bellied Boy-
He said he wanted to
Just touch you
HE SAID HE WANTED TO
JUST TOUCH YOU
Star bellied boy different from the rest
Yr so different from the rest
Prove yr different from the rest
Yr no fucking different from the rest
(I only wanted to believe we are all free)
And then he said "Why wont you fuck me?"
And then he said "Do me do me do me"
And then he said "I'll be your best friend"
And then I said......
Why
Do
I
Cry
Every
Time
That
I
Cum?
I can't I can't I can't cum
I can't I can't I can't cum
I can't I can't I can't cum
I can't I can't I can't cum
Why?
BABES IN TOYLAND
So bright
I cant find sky
And why?
Always got to do that thing
Do that thing to me
-Dogg-
-Lashes-
She screams sweet hell
In her old white nightie
With rips and tears shes too aware
See through big black bombs
That explode on chickens
All the while she thickens
From
Cracks in the mortar
Cracks in the mortal
Babys got ruby jewel lashes
Thatll whip your spine
I see you grew into
That stiff gray suit theyve sewn for you
Scrub you clean
Now you forget what you mean
Wimpworm completely thick
Its you who makes me sick
With a great old brick and mortar
Cracks in the mortar
Cracks in the mortal
Cracks in the mortar
Babys got ruby jewel lashes
Thatll whip your spine
Every time she blinks
Makes me sink into ruby
Ruby* ruby jewel lashes
So I put on my best sunday dress
And I waltz straight into this mess of mine* posing as a guest
Or something much less
Than a crazy old doll in a crazy old dress
Cracks in the mortar
Cracks in the mortal
Cracks in the mortar
Babys got ruby jewel lashes
Thatll whip your spine
Well the thin moon sugar
It shines like a wino
The thin moon sugar it shines like a wino for me
L7
Don't wanna be rich
Now can't you see the way they dress
They dress
-American Society-
-Shove-
Bill collector called today
Shove
IRS is on my case
Shove
My boss says i should comb my hair
Shove
My father thinks that i'm nowhere
Get out of my way or i might shove
Get out of my way or i'm gonna shove
Landlord doesn't like my dog
Shove
My eyes are burning from the smog
Shove
The neighbors say i jam too loud
Shove
America thinks it should be proud
Some guy just pinched my ass
Shove
Drunken bums ain't go no class
Shove
The club says i won't get paid
Shove
it's been months since i've been laid
THE DISTILLERS
don't know but i know it
you better find out what your place is
urban plight is in the city streets
it's infectious and it's complacent
-Idoless-
-Sing Sing Death House-
I am a death house haunted mirror
Acerbic heart ain't nothing pure in here
I keep the memories of a broken you
Sing sing the stories of a fractured few
I believe I will open up
For all my rage will surely come undone
Sing Sing Death House!
I am agnostic but I hang on a cross
Faithless saintless my sin stabs
I wear the crown of oblivion
Rule and aching void watch my sun burn out
I am a death house haunted mirror
Acerbic heart ain't nothing pure in here
You close the door I sing pleading
Save me before you leave you're leaving
SLEATER-KINNEY
Do ya get nervous watching me bleed?
-Dig Me Out-
-Call THe Doctor-
Hey want to socialize you
They want to purify you
They want to dignify, analyze and terrify you
This is love and you can't make it
In a formula or shake me
I'm your monster i'm not like you
All your life is written for you
(Look out they want what you know
Steal a kid break a heart steal the show
Peel back the skin see what's there
I'll never show you what's in here)
You're life is good for one thing
You're messing with what's sacred
They want to simplify your needs and likes
To sterilize you
This is love and you can't make it
In a formula or break me
I'm your monster i'm just like you
All my life is right before you
(Don't need you to explain the pain
I can prove to you it's all fake
She's dead but she can stand she can walk
Call the doctor miracle she can talk)
Call the doctor
This is love and you can't break it
In a formula or make me
I'm no monster i'm just like you
All my life is right before me
(This is not really me at all
Stunt girl daring twirls watch me fall
Can't tell anymore the real parts)
Be Your Own Pet
But I was wrong, so wrong
Been thinking about this for far too long
And I'm tired, so tired
I'm tired of this Goddamn love riot
-Love Your Shotgun-
-Stairway To Heaven-
A stairway to heaven...
Lean on my shoulder, lean on my shoulder
I want another year older
Lean on my shoulder, lean on my shoulder
And share a bed with me
Lean on my shoulder, lean on my shoulder
I want another year older
Lean on my shoulder, lean on my shoulder
And share a bed with me
Get this something out of my head
There's too much shit going on my brain
Hurry hurry hurry hurry
Cos I think I'm gonna go insane
Whatever whatever whatever whatever
I know I know you know you're clever
So seduce me, introduce me
On the list you've had forever
My brain is on fire, my brain is on fire
So whisper in my ear
When it's all over, when it's all over
You can come and kiss me right here
My brain is on fire, my brain is on fire
So whisper in my ear
When it's all over, when it's all over
You can call me, kiss me right here
The Raincoats
Oh, I want to be pretty in a great big city
And oh I'd like to be so pretty in this great big city
And isn't it a pity if you're not the prettiest thing in the world
When you live in a great big city?
-Pretty-
-Looking In The Shadows-
You cross the street thinking
This way, or that way?
You chose the third
Your heart silently bleeding
You said,
I'll open the door
You said,
I'll break the window
You said,
I'll look at you
You cross the street, thinking
Looking in the shadows
You chose to see
Your heart silently bleeding
You thought,
I'll open the door
You thought,
I'll break the window
You thought,
I'll look at you
THE SLITS
He had fun experience
Nothing he does ever makes sense
He is only curious
Don't take it serious
-So Tough-
-Instant Hit-
He is a boy
He's very thin
Until tomorrow
Took heroin
Don't like himself very much
'Cause he has set to set to self-destruct
He is
Set to self-destruct
He is
Too good to be true
Enjoy it
Destroy it
He is
Too good to be true
He is
Set to self-destruct (set to self-destruct)
Enjoy it
Destroy it
I could
Hate you anytime
I could
Give you anything
Enjoy it
Destroy it
I forgive you anything
But I could
Hate you anytime
Enjoy it
Destroy it
He is
Set to self-destruct
JACK OFF JILL
When I am queen I will insist with perfect scars upon my wrists
that everything you once held dear is taken away from you
-When I Am Queen-
-Vivica-
Oh Vivica I wish you well
I watch you burn in humid hell
No sleeping pills no old tattoos
will save you now
He'll never change he's just too vague
he'll never say you're beautiful
Oh Vivica I wish you well I really do, I really do
The apple falls far from the tree
she's rotten and so beautiful
I'd like to keep her here with me
and tell her that she's beautiful
She takes the pills to fall asleep
and dreams that she's invisible
Tormented dreams she stays awake
recalls when she was capable...
Oh Vivica I wish you well
I watch you sit I watch you dwell
No crooked spine no torn up rag
will save you now
He'll never change he's not that brave
He'll never say you're beautiful
Oh Vivica I wish you well I really do, I really do
The apple falls far from the tree
she's rotten and so beautiful
I'd like to keep her here with me
and tell her that she's beautiful
She takes the pills to fall asleep
and dreams that she's invisible
Tormented dreams she stays awake
recalls when she was capable...
Oh Vivica I wish you well
I'll sit right here I'll never tell
no tender scar no twist of fate
will save you now
He'll never change he's just not there
He'll never say you're beautiful
Oh Vivica I wish you will I really do, I really do
The apple falls far from the tree
she's rotten and so beautiful
I'd like to keep her here with me
and tell her that she's beautiful
She takes the pills to fall asleep
and dreams that she's invisible
Tormented dreams she stays awake
recalls when she was capable...
She's empty and so beautiful
I'll keep her here with me
LE TIGRE
You talk good,
I’ll eat glass.
I heard you read my mind behind my back.
-TKO-
-Don't Drink Poison-
We learned this lesson five times fine: fake left, go right, back-stabs read minds!
Taillights shine beautiful, they make halos on the road.
Don't give our keys to the city to shark-suits, b-sides, free-things-please!
I left the code at the coat-check pointed to the word on my neck.
That's me, all night on stand-by.
Three words, three things...oh please please!
Don't, don't drink poison!
Wolf Girl, poolside, I'm in the lobby.
Gay concierge-spy high fives me.
It's all cool enemy style, smile at the tv while you download her file.
Watch for the quick slip, money shot, vid clip.
Walk past slowly, pass me the nurse kit.
Don't be fooled by the sister vocab...keep it light, put it on her tab.
Heads up for this tonight...it's some you'll recognize.
Looks like lips and feels like teeth, always waving to the people from the magazine.
There's one thing they love to see...it's tear jearks for charity and blank smirks all the way
to the airport.
There's one drink, on ice, oh I think it's ...
They say trouble comes in threes, I say Chicken Ceasar grows on trees.
It could be lucky to be out of luck.
I mean, better than to take the test where amnesiacs must write on napkins.
Prepare for what might happen.
In a trance from polished talk we think...coat throat, lemon lime, hot choc, oh! ...
Fem Exec is right behind me.
Almost there, through the glass doors, against the wall, on the third floor.
We found a robot hand hidden in a potted plant.
And we're not too nice to notice when white wine stinks and we're misquoted.
7 YEAR BITCH
Dead men don't rape
I don't have pity not a single tear
For those who get joy from a woman's fear
I'd rather get a gun and just blow you away
Then you'll learn first hand
Dead men don't rape
-Dead Man Don't Rape-
-M.I.A.-
Matter of fact
No fact
No matter
Who do you suspect
Who is not afraid to die
Who would tell such a lie
Who runs away
Who do we fear?
Somebody just like you gonna rape and strangle you?
Would you mutilate yourself?
And who would be so shocked by the brutal murder of a killer?
Will there be hundreds mourning for you?
Will they talk of the talent and inspiration you gave?
No
Who besides your mother will stand in sorrow at your grave?
Mother may i?
Momma mia
I'll see ya
I'll see ya
I'll see ya
I can't see
I can't see
I can't see
I can't see
It's dark here
No direction
Just aggrivation
Aggrivation over losing you
To who
No justice
No clue
And the core of this agitation is my aggrivation
Yeah the core of this aggitation is my aggrivation
I come down and upon despration
I crawl inside and look out
Look out
Look out
I can't see
I can't see
I can't see.
Some things don't come full circle
Circle
Circle
Pace
Pace
Pace
We walk in place
No fact
No matter
Society did this to you?
Does society have justice for you?
Well if not
I do
Because the core of this aggitation is my aggrivation
Yeah the core of this aggitation is my aggrivation
I come down and upon desperation
I crawl inside and look out
I can't see
I can't see
I can't see
I can't see
I can't see
Socitey did this to you?
Does society have justice for you?
If not
I do
X RAY SPEX
My mind is like a plastic bag
That corresponds to all those ads
It sucks up all the rubbish
That is fed in through by ear
I eat Kleenex for breakfast
And use soft hygienic Weetabix
To dry my tears
-Plastic Bag-
-I Am A Poseur-
I am a poseur and I don't care
I like to make people stare
I am a poseur and I don't care
I like to make people stare
Exhibition is the name
Voyeurism is the game
Stereoscopic is the show
Viewing time makes it grow
My facade is just a fake
Shock horror no escape
Sensationalism for the feed
Caricatures are what you breed
Anti-art was the start
Establishments like a laugh
Yes we're very entertaining
Overtones can be betraying