Our Last Moment With Lucy...

I guess it's about 11:20 in the morning here in New Jersey. One and a half hours ago we had to put our dog to sleep...

I brought her in to the animal hospital at 4am because her breathing was labored, she was disoriented, and she had soiled her bed and would not come back in from the rain when we let her out. I drove through the storm holding my wife's cell phone in my hand so the nav could tell me where to go. It was raining hard, streets were closed, trees were down, and I am not really sure how I made it there in one piece. I guess angels were guiding me along.

I got to the hospital, and after they ran some quick tests, the doctor determined that she was bleeding into her stomach, either from her liver or spleen. A mass was detected inside of her as well. The doctor suggested we leave her there for more work, so I drove back home into the downpour and strong winds.

When I got home, my wife had been pacing, and for a long while I sat there with her and held her as we both cried. I think we slept for perhaps one hour, but I can't be certain. Most everything is a blur. The doctor called around 9am and told us that Lucy's condition had deteriorated, since she was now showing signs of a neurological disorder, and that it was best that we gather the kids and drive over to say our goodbyes.

We sat the kids down and explained to them the best we could, in a way they would understand. We got them into their clothes and rushed out the door. The rain had eased, but the road conditions were still poor, with many branches in the road, and many sections of town cut off due to flooding.

We got to the hospital, and the doctor brought Lucy in to a small waiting room so we could pay our final respects. She was strapped down to a stretcher. She was breathing hard, drooling, trembling, her eyes were darting back and forth, and she was clearing suffering. We all laid our hands on her, stroked her, whispered words of warmth and gratitude into her soft ears, and kissed her head before I took the kids out and left my wife to be with the doctor. I remember at one point when we all put her hands on her at once, and she instinctively wagged her tail a few times, recognizing the people she loved.

I somehow filled out the paperwork at the desk through bloodshot, teary eyes that instructed the hospital to take care of the euthanization. I went back into the room and spent the last few minutes of Lucy's life with my wife and the doctor, sitting on the floor, as the vet slowly injected her with one solution after another. She put the stethoscope to Lucy's heart and told us when it was over. It was 10:05am.

What came to mind, though, as we drove away from that place in the now misty rain was how the previous morning, the back yard was inundated with a huge murder of crows, most likely swept to the ground by the high winds. There were literally a few hundred over the span of the neighborhood, that lifted up and set back down. I remembered that crows are quite powerful and symbolic creatures. To have them show up in your life means you'll experience a great emotional or spiritual shift, that it will be a time of transition, and that crows are guides between this world and the after-life, who help souls find their place of rest. I took it at the time to think that my wife might have a change in her work situation, since things there have been rocky of late. It wasn't until we drove back from that hospital this morning, that I understood why they appeared.

I don't know why in the middle of a very deep, emotionally traumatic, and life-changing event, I decided to take out a camera and snap a shot of Lucy. I guess it's always how I've dealt with things. When I am happy, I take a photo. When I am in pain, I take a photo. It's what I do. It's who I am. It's how I cope and make some sort of sense out of life. It's how I capture a moment, freeze it in time, so that even if the subject or event will not last forever, their image will. I honestly don't know anything else. This is what it is for me.

I have no idea what I am feeling. I'm surprised I can write this, let alone sit up straight. I think the real impact of this will hit me in quiet moments when I am used to Lucy running for the door when I come home from work, whimpering when she needed to be let out, watching us intently as we cooked and hoping a piece of food would drop to the floor, barking and hopping like a pup when she wanted to play or go for a walk or be close to us, or how she'd raise her nose to me so I could lay mine against hers, and for a a time just breathe one another in. Those are the small slices that make up a life, aren't they. And I will miss them. And I will miss her. Desperately.

She accepted me the very first moment she saw me many years ago, having no knowledge of my past, my failures, my mistakes, my sins. All she saw was someone that had good inside of them, that was imperfect, but was deserving of love. It was unconditiona

I have been tagged by a couple of Flickr mates. I suppose it is time to respond. But I am not content with just writing 10 things about me.

How about if I make it a game? Just so it’s not so boring. Oh, I am so glad you agree.

Here goes:

TEN things that might, or might not, be TRUE about me. You decide.

1.I once rode with the Hell’s Angels OR I once hung out with John Kay of Steppenwolf (he wrote Born to be Wild, the Hell’s Angels anthem).

2.I don’t take drugs of any kind, except a natural drug called, adrenaline, to which I am seriously addicted! OR, I love the effect of drugs, especially illegal ones.

3.I promised myself that before I turned 55, I would have experienced an African safari OR that I would be a millionaire. One of these things will come true.

4.I was once a midwife OR I was once a rock and roll reporter.

5.I am a hard liquor drinker OR I am a very moderate drinker who loves a cold beer in the summer, and a nice room temperature merlot, at any time. Even for breakfast.

6.I have been arrested OR I nearly became a criminologist.

7.I am 5’2” with eyes of blue OR I am 5’7” with eyes of green.

8.I hate signs and regulations OR I embrace structure and rules.

9.I like the look of older men’s hands OR I am smitten by the works of Picasso.

10.I love the music of Dire Straits, Rod Stewart, and Faith Hill OR I like the sound of David humming off-key.

11.Bonus: I am a murder mystery playwright OR I am a children’s entertainer.

12. Freebie: I am the head Mama of one of Flickr's premier flower groups, "Mama's Bloomers."

Want answers? I will post those here after 24 hours have passed. In the meantime, I invite you to give it your best guess.

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BTW, here are the rules if you are tagged:

Tell your readers 10 things about you that they may or may not know, but are true. Tag ten people and be sure to let them know they’ve been tagged (a quick message will do). Don’t forget to link back to the person who tagged you!!!

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Are you ready? Here are the answers!

1.Ride with the Hell's Angels? I was a wild child, a teen runaway, but I wasn't nuts. No, no...women were chattels among the Angels, and I belonged to nobody. Especially some stinky biker.

John Kay was one of the nicest, and most brilliantly talented men that I have ever met. Loved talking to this man.

2. I despise chemicals of all kinds, except natural ones. I don't even take aspirin.

3. Millionaire? I wish. No, David and I go off on our African safari (South Africa including Kruger National Park) in January 2010.

4. A bit of a trick question. I once began training to be a naturopath, herbologist, and midwife, but the lure of the media and the rock and roll world won out. Talk about complete opposites.

5. I really dislike hard liquor unless it is in a mixed drink, then it is okay. Otherwise, hand me my merlot. Even for breakfast.

6. I have not been arrested, but I have been "detained," on a few occasions. The cops in my small town just liked me, and didn't want me getting into serious trouble. So, they'd pick me up from time to time.

And, I nearly did became a criminologist. But I was already running our large special events company, and couldn't get my degree part-time, so I told the Dean I had to leave the program.

7. I am 5’2” with eyes of blue.

8. Structure and rules have their place, but I hate signs telling me that I can't do something to which I feel I am perfectly entitled.

9. I like the look of older men’s hands -- to me they are among the most beautiful things the Lord creates. I think Picasso needed art lessons! LOL

10. I love the music of Dire Straits, Rod Stewart, and Faith Hill. The sound of David humming off-key, or anyone humming off key -- that's my personal Hell!

11.Bonus: I was a murder mystery playwright for many years. And, I am a children’s entertainer, now. I make balloon animals.

12. Freebie: I am the head Mama of one of Flickr's premier flower groups, "Mama's Bloomers."

And now you know...but just wait till the next time I get tagged...that's when I will reveal the really juicy details...in a true or false format, of course.

Thanks, my Flickr friends! For playing along.

~~Sheree~~