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i woke up feeling great...

i felt fabulous...

fantastic...

beautiful...

then as i'm uploading this photo, screams erupt in my house, all directed at me...

they yell at me for things i didn't know about...things i'm not responsible for...i do every single thing they ask me for and they're so ungrateful...

and don't tell me i'll miss them when they're gone because i already know that...more than anyone realizes...i also know the years i should be enjoying my family are being taken away from me by their own insanity...

ugh...though i wish they were consistent...the fact is i do love my parents very much...they're crazy wonderful, assholes...and that's the truth...they are good parents but they're also selfish jerks who can be very giving...they don't make sense...ever...but they're mine and i love them...

and i still feel damn fabulous today...i need a rock band of my very own i think...

Secret #19

my name is panda cat...panda...pandy, shorten it however you like...

on my birth certificate it says Tina...i hate it...i don't hate the name in general though, but what it represents, what it's used for...(my friend Scully is the only exception because she earned it and when she says it, well it works)

my entire life my name has only ever been used out of anger, annoyance, sadness...no other reason...people who talk to me on a daily basis call me by nicknames, people who love me, never call me Tina...when someone calls me by birth name i twitch inside...it makes me nervous, anxious, unnerved, because somewhere in my head i keep wondering why they're mad at me, what i did wrong, even when that's not the intention at all...even anthony has never really called me Tina...he pretty much knows better...

in fact, i don't call people by their names unless i'm mad either or referring to them to someone who doesn't know them as i do...unless of course you prefer me to or you don't have a nickname...

i use Tina Angel (first and middle name) to write by, because for some reason, that doesn't bother me...it's on another level than i was raised with...i know it's strange...but maybe that just means some day Tina will be alright by me

so do me a favor, learn that it's panda cat only unless it's a work environment which, well, it's not usually...

and don't get me wrong, i won't get mad if you do, i would just prefer you don't :D

Here's your typical chubby baby angel with blue eyes and wavy red hair- they can barely walk but they know how to use their wings?

Interesting thing I learned about the "cherubim," as these baby angels are called today. Wikipedia: "In modern English the word is usually used for what are strictly putti, baby or toddler angels in art."

More Wikipedia: "The term cherubim is cognate with the Assyrian term karabu, Akkadian term kuribu, and Babylonian term karabu; the Assyrian term means 'great, mighty', but the Akkadian and Babylonian cognates mean 'propitious, blessed'. In some regions the Assyro-Babylonian term came to refer in particular to spirits which served the gods, in particular to the shedu (human-headed winged bulls); the Assyrians sometimes referred to these as kirubu, a term grammatically related to karabu... Early Semitic tradition conceived the cherubim as guardians, being devoid of human feelings, and holding a duty both to represent the gods and to guard sanctuaries from intruders, in a comparable way to an account found on Tablet 9 of the inscriptions found at Nimrud. In this view, cherubim, like the shedu, were probably originally depictions of storm deities, especially the storm winds."

Hardly like little babies. I also saw in a TV documentary that the old Assyrian term karabu was derived perhaps from an older term denoting a tribe or class of priests who once lived near the area where the Garden of Eden was supposed to have been. It is easy to see how a version of "guardian angel" could evolve from a class of priests or a tribal name.

Isn't it funny (and interesting) how terms and ideas can evolve and yet people still believe them to be "true," whatever that means. Cherubs went from scary animal-like god guardians to babies over time. I am sure that if they exist they do not look like either of those things. They need a new manager and a new image. How about Chippendales-like guys, looking fierce, with wings?

It's still the holidays, here are four angels demonstrating four stages of male growth as painted by various artists- enjoy your Christmas week!