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Clear Satin Topcoat Gel Stain, Quart

These oil-based Gel Topcoats and Stains are quite possibly the easiest of all finishes to use and achieve a "hand-rubbed" look without all the work. Application is easy with a foam brush or lint free cloth. The heavy bodied gel formulation permits the product to flow out evenly (no drips or runs) preventing uneven penetration for consistent color control. Gel Topcoat may be used to top coat any stain. Although Gel Stains contain urethane, Gel Topcoat has a higher content of urethane and may be used to top coat Gel Stains for more protection. Gel Topcoat is available in satin. For semi-gloss or gloss sheens, use Arm-R-Seal Topcoat.

I may paint the walls of my home all by myself. I may sleep in my own bed, all alone, for the rest of my life. I may live alone and cook myself many meals alone and I may die alone. I may find myself walking much later than I should, filled with so many thoughts my head may burst, and find myself talking out loud because there is no one else to hear the thoughts that bounce from the right side of my brain to the left. I may kick leaves around in my yard with the toe of my tattered shoe and lay down in the autumn sun like I do so often. I may feel the wind licking my hair off the back of my neck and feel sand squish between my toes. I may watch snow fall down around my house and sing to myself as I light candles in the dark. I may live alone for the rest of my life. There may be words sniffing the tips of my fingers, trying to find a way into my body. There may be moments were I drop everything that I am doing and run barefoot along the edge of the sidewalk just to feel the cool and solid form beneath my body. There may be a time here or there where I find myself crying on the kitchen floor, watching the wood of the floorboards soak up my tears in ways no human can. I might spend my life humming along with the drone of the dryer or the dishwasher. I might curse out loud and scream and kick the furniture when I'm having a bad day. I might wrap myself in a hand-made quilt and let wave after wave of nostalgia wash over me and start to drown me bit by bit as the start of winter comes along year after year. I may play my music too loud when I'm feeling lonely, just so that I know there is something taking up space in my bones.
I am starting to be okay with this. I am starting to be okay with the feeling of being alone. I am in love, oh so very much in love. But I am not yet in love with myself and I find flaw in that. There is also a pain in that which runs so deep and I can no longer even start to comprehend that. Today, for the first time in a long time, I started to feel something that has been growing inside of me for years. Although I have taught myself to push the most painful part of myself away and deep inside, there are times, very rarely are there these times, but they are still there - when I cannot ignore it for another moment and in the time it takes you to blink your eyes, I feel something. It sturs up something horrible and something beautiful and for days on end it haunts me. Today I felt something and now I know there are more things to deal with than I had thought before. There is a part of me that won't let this be easy and I don't know how to fix this. But I am so in love and it hurts more and more each second and I feel like part of me is being ripped away and torn to bits while the rest of me is growing and smiling and laughing with the rest of the world. I can admit that I am in love only because of the second of clairty provided by the strange feeling of waking up on a Friday morning knowing that I had nothing to do. The sky was purple and the sun just hardly starting to rise and my dream was still vivid and true - dancing over my sheets and across my ceiling. Somehow I could still see the stars in the places they had been when I had fallen to sleep and for a moment I knew it to be true. There was this moment of undescribable clarity and my mind was able to comprehend, for the briefest moment, how all of this is possible. I have loved so much and there is still so much more inside of me. I'm not sure if I will ever be strong on my own two feet, with my own spinal cord holding me up for the world to see and my own two hands reaching out to grab onto life. I do not know if I will ever be strong because I am so dependant on other people and when they hurt I hurt. There is so much left inside of me and I know that I am in love and that for my whole life I will be in love and day after day I will feel like the chilled insides of winter because my mind cannot allow me to love anyone right now. After that moment of clarity was over chaos erupted inside of me and my brain is fraying around the edges and my heart is beating too fast and my body has gone haywire. I have to love but I can't let myself right now and therefore I can't figure out how to live because if I'm not giving love I'm not doing anything. Inside all of this terrible mess there is something telling me to step back and bit by bit untangle everything that has become a mess in the past years of my life. I feel like I'm moving backwards, but I know that I have to start somewhere and maybe somewhere is far from where I am right now.

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sooc

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OK, here's the prob. My house is wide open...all the walls connect and have features that don't allow me to paint one wall one color and maybe another wall another color so much. SO...my walls are white. Boring. I need help deciding how to paint these walls...I am thinking that I'll extend the yellow from the kitchen up onto this big wall with the window and into the family room...the yellow is already on one wall in the family room - not pictured. It's a buttery yellow...I love it...not as sunshiney as it appears here. Anyhoo...I thought I'd paint the adjoining side walls - that go up the stairs and to the upstairs hall and loft, a sagey green. I was going to do a taupy beige but look at all the brown I already have...floor, couches, wood furniture. too much of the brown. The decorative ledges would also be the green - jutting out into the yellow where they attach to that wall. Does this make any sense? I would paint the ledges down the slanty part where it connects to the ceiling of the rooms (family and kitchen) below. Does that sound even remotely cool? Any better ideas? I'm not wanting to spend a bunch of money on paint and regret my decision...maybe I should hire a designer for an hour and get a professional opinion! In the mean time, what do my flickr friends think?