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To you, it may be a rose, but to me, it's my heart.
I will try, Onee-sama. Life without you - the only warmth, the only smile, the only love in this world - may not be worth it. May be full of everything gray, black, dirty, unfeeling. But I guess, I suppose, that I must try to live on. Try to advance, as much as I can, because of the fact itself that I am alive. I must, they tell me, I must. I do not see the point, though, because I see no life, no beauty beyond your death.
But I shall try, Onee-sama. I'll try to live alone in the gray gardens of nowhere, to watch the beauty of white sky, of peaceful snow, try to drink up the sun as it smiles to me, reflecting from the sea. Those were my dreams before. I shall try to revive them, to create new ones in my new world of solitude.
How hard it is, Onee-sama. How hard it is to leave you. How hard it is to leave everything you were to me. Every word you said, every thing you wrote, every thing you did. They all remind me of you, of my love for you. It is so hard that it is barely possible for me to stay on my feet from all the weight on my heart. I wish I could die with you. But someone mentions I shouldn't. So I stay alive.
Nee, Onee-sama. What do you think? Is it worth it to live a life with no feelings, with superficial outlook on the beauty of the world, of no feeling of love in the heart; isn't it really a waste of life? Or is it worth it to live a life of pain, of everyday reminders of the only most precious thing that vanished, of feeling of love so great, but the feeling of pain even greater.
But I must try. I believe I have lost almost all hope in any kind of love equal to mine coming my way, of any kind of true happiness, but I suppose I must go on. Try to leave behind, bury those memories so fierce in my heart, to move on with eyes empty of love and shallow in life. For I cannot go on like this any longer. Dying inside, but not dying; grieving heavily, missing heavily, but not being able to cry, to mourn you.
Because there is no mourning you. Ever.
So I'm leaving, Onee-sama. Trying to liven myself. Trying to find life, a little piece of it. I will not know what to do, where to go, so pray for me, my dearest. Guard me...Help me find beauty.
I love you. I LOVE YOU:
I miss you. Miss you, miss you, miss you.
Help me, Nee-chan. I wish you helped me.
I must leave now. Help me find beauty, make me beautiful in this life.
I shall cry for you.
Goodbye, my love. I...
love
you
Post je objavljen 12.11.2008. u 16:56 sati.