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The Silence
I am stretched on your grave -
And will lie there forever...
If your hands were in mine...
I'd be sure we'd not sever
Like a wounded animal, I stand upon the dark, moist earth. Even though summer had just begun to falter slightly, in here, the cold never ceases, and the sun never shines its light upon the earth of the Blessed... Aren't they called that?
I stare at the cold, gray monument.
So fierce.
Merciless.
And my mind starts playing music to me. Piano. So loud in my head, and yet, there is no single sound around. Dreadful, eerie silence. As if it were mocking me, laughing at me for not being able to touch you. For letting a meter and a half of dirt hide you from me.
I can't see your...
Star
You, my dearest, you, my most precious one. You, the one I love the most.
And the pain is unbearable.
I cannot sleep. I feel sick at all food. My eyes... are like glass.
As I collapse on my knees before you, I am nothing more than a weak, pathetic mass of a being, covered with hair. I shiver, part from the cold, and part from...
"I always was weak, wasn't I? Nee, Onee-sama... Never could keep my tears to myself. Never could break down alone, where no one could see me. Never could stand on my own two feet. And deal with it myself. I couldn't. Pathetic, isn't it...? An inconvenience... A nuisance.
Nee...
Onee-sama...
And I cry tears of blood.
And I whisper words of a song I do not know anything about anymore. I whisper slowly as the blood tears touch my lips.
"I still... will be your shelter... through rain... and through storm...
And... with you...
in your cold grave...
I...
cannot...
sleep warm..."
Such a curse, Onee-sama, to be forced to give oneself so utterly and completely. Such a curse. But such a blessing. Has anyone felt like this before...? Has anyone realized what utmost joy can a memory of an embrace bring? A memory that brings a knife straight to the heart, which sucks the sweetest blood out of it, but so much joy does it bring, so much warmth...
The tears burn as they glide down my cheeks.
Onee-sama...
Is this pain going to be in my eyes forever, Onee-sama? Will I imprint an everlasting memory upon my skin, one that will burn, but give me pleasure in its hurt. Because it's one other feeling except this what I am feeling now? Will it be like this forever? Me restricted from any kind of love, crying for an embrace, and my arms still empty, hanging at my sides. And then, I will remember your embrace, and tears will fall on my hands before I realize I shed them. Nee, Onee-sama, will it?
"And though I may have lost my way, all paths lead straight to you..."
A sigh. A deep one. A shaky one. If sighs had colour, this one would be red.
Onee-sama... what does a pathetic excuse for a girl do now. Nee... Tell me, please?
Angels of Death, those vultures, sit on hard, cold stones, with their wings ripped and their feathers tousled. And they laugh at me, a lone human girl sitting on a deserted graveyard, in the forest no one had come in for years. Where there's no sun and it smells of winter.
There are no words to describe pain that slices deep into one's core.
Slowly wipe the cheeks colored in blood. Gently part the lips, dry from the cold. Breathe in, how much the weakened body even can. One glassy, black glance of despair towards the gray stone.
And scream.
Post je objavljen 26.08.2008. u 16:41 sati.