Tonight.... I cry.
Tonight, there is no hope. Tonight, there is no consolation, no looking up. No being strong, no holding tight. I have realized the happiness in life, the shortness of it, the magnificence of it...
There is no time to waste on hating things - they all pass, we can outgrow all of them... But you cannot shake off loneliness. Cannot get rid of it by yourself. Cannot fix it by yourself. The only thing worth hating is loneliness.
And tonight... There is no moving on.
Just for tonight, my breaths become shallow. Just for tonight, I turn off all the lights, close all the doors, and curl myself up at the foot of my bed, lie my head on the floor and cry. Let grief overcome me, let it devour all of me. Let despair eat up my heart, abandon all hope, lie in the pre-state of death.
Tonight I am not pretty. Tonight, the tears soak up my hair, my mouth stays shut, sobs gain control over all of me.
Tonight I wallow in all the misery of fate.
My vain attempt to drown loneliness. My need of somebody, burning in my core, occupying all my thoughts, making up a new world, an illusion so strayed from the real one. All my wishes granted, a force with white wings making up my world. How I need it. All the infinite struggles with myself, all the pain, all the joy and all the sweetness; an exuberant fantasy filled thickly with every option possible, but in truth - empty. Thin.
Drama queen.
I feel fate separating me from my entire (make believe) world, like duct tape from the skin. What I was never able to do by myself, in fear of losing everything I built my world around, is happening inevitably. And I feel the hole, becoming bigger and bigger as the imaginary, translucent castles, magic, love, dreams evaporate into nothingness. I feel it burning my core from the inside, bringing me down... The only thing I know I will never be able to fight.
Alone in the dark.
Alone.
Tonight I cannot see from the tears. Tonight I cannot get up. Tonight I lie shattered... And for tonight, there is no tomorrow.
Tonight, there is no picture to show how I feel.
I will soon delete this blog. There is no point in writing for yourself.
Post je objavljen 29.05.2008. u 22:19 sati.