tHiS CrAzY wOrLd

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it. It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole.
-andrew landon

Boli me jer nju boli.. nisam to već dugo osjetila.. Istukla bih onoga tko joj nanosi bol.. Zagrlila ju da ju zaštitim.. Muka mi je od pomisli da ju netko povrjeđuje.. Makar znam da sam to i ja jednom napravila.. a tada mi ni na kraj pameti nije bilo zaštititi je.. Za sebe sam imala i pronalazila isprike.. Ali isprike izblijede, a bol ostaje dugo. Nikad nisam mislila da riječi mogu toliko boljeti dok nisam nedavno čitala riječi koje sam joj tada upućivala.. Boljele su me kao da ih netko meni govori.. Bila sam ljuta, bijesna, van sebe.. nisam htjela ni čuti ni vidjeti nikog tko bi dobronamjerno htio ublažiti to što sam osjećala.. Nikome nije bilo za vjerovati.. Svi su mi bili neprijatelji.. A danas, nakon toliko vremena unazad, mnogo hladnije glave i staloženijih misli, sa puno više strpljenja i zrelosti, znam da sam napravila korak u krivom smjeru.. Korak je prerastao u put.. a put me odveo daleko. Vratiti se ne trudim, trudim se samo prokrčiti stazu prema pravom smjeru.. spojiti svoj put sa cestom na kojoj sam bila prije onog uragana. Tko zna, možda ima smisla.. Meni se čini vrijednim.

I eto me nazad.. da, izgleda da sam dugo čistila za sobom.. iskreno, imam osjećaj kao da sam tek započela.. pogotovo neke stvari, neka poglavlja za koja sam vjerovala da su zauvijek zapečaćena i da ih neću ni pomišljati otvarati više.. to je ono jedno od temeljitih čišćenja.. kad dođeš u trenutak, pogledaš sebe, ljude oko sebe i vidiš da to i nije baš najbolje što si mogao.. i nisam baš dala sve od sebe.. No ovaj put nisam slegla ramenima i rekla- „Ma nema veze, nitko to ne vidi osim mene..“ Nego sam zaključila da ako želim ikad odrasti, onda bolje prije nego kasnije odbaciti sve glupe, djetinjaste svađe i nesuglasice s ljudima koji su mi nekad bili dragi.. Ne kažem – zaboraviti sve loše što se izdogađalo, dati svima čisti početak.. to nikako.. takvo što niti ne postoji.. ali to nebi trebala biti ni prepreka da neke stare odnose obnovim i možda čak iznenadim samu sebe s time što sve može biti moguće..
Ne želim ni pričati o tome koliko će neke stvari moju okolinu ostaviti bez teksta i zateći nespremne na takav razvoj situacije.. Ali, zrelija sam.. pa tako i pametnija.. A to valjda ne može voditi ničemu toliko lošemu..