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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.

The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."

The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."

Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."

Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."

The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."

Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"

Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."

Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."

Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."

Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."

Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."

The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."

Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."

Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."

Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."

Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."

Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."

Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."

Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."

Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."

Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."

Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."

Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"

Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."

Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."

Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."

Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."

Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."

Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"

Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] " an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"

Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."

Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"

Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."

Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"

Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"

Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."

Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."

Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."

Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."

Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."

Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"

Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."

Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."

Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."

Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."

Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."

Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."

Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"

George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."

Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."

Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"

Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."

Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."

Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."

Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."

Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."

Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."

Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."

Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."

Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."

Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."

Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."

Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."

Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."

Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."

Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.

Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."

Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."

Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."

Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."

Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."

Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."

Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."

Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"

Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."

Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"

Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."

Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."

Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."

Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."

Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."

Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."

Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."

Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."

Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'ber'."

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."

The Black Adder

(episodes 1-5)

The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.

"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.

Blackadder II

Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.

From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.

His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.

Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered ber-all.

Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.

Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad, Black Adder, I thought that he had died.
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.

Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.

Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.

A monarch with panache,
He's got a nice moustache

Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.

A dog who's got his bone,
A bastard on the throne

His beard is neatly curled,
He's going to rule the world

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nedjelja, 25.03.2007.

Nema ptice do prasice i piva do besplatnog

Nikada neću zaboraviti tu ljetnu večer, bilo je vruće i pomalo sparno. Ja mlad i neiskusan sjedio sam okružen ljudima starijima od sebe na terasi lokalne birtije na jednom malenom otoku, još nevin i povodljiv. Tada sam prvi puta ugledao nju, visoka, tanka, crvena i zavodljiva poput grijeha, a košta samo 8 kuna, i to ne ona pederska mala nego prava, bujna i obla od 3 deci. T e večeri smo se družili dugo u noć, ja i moja prva čaša bambusa, nakon nje je došla još jedna i još jedna i još jedna…Tako je započela moja strastvena i vatrena afera sa C2H5OH. Sada se družimo, relativno često, doduše ni izbliza toliko često kao nekoć, ali i dalje se viđamo, nemamo ekskluzivnu vezu, naime dijelim tu svoju ljubav sa prijateljima i poznanicima radije nego da je držim samo za sebe…to je ljubav koja je najbolja grupno.
Alkohol, etilni naravno, u svim svojim oblicima definitivno zaslužuje hvalospjev, tekućina koja je uzrokovala toliko jada i toliko veselja kroz povijest kao ni jedna druga (dobro možda joj konkuriraju neki nusprodukti određenih tjelesnih funkcija ali o tom po tom). Mnogi od nas začeti su pod utjecajem vesele kapljice, vino, pivo, konjak, vatrena voda, pitralon, pino silvestro…mnogi smo bili samo sjaj u tatinim očima, proteinska gvalja u njegovim jajima dok se na koncertu Bijelog dugmeta nije malo okuražio bocom Rubin vinjaka i odvukao staru malo dalje od svjetla reflektora….oooo da, mnogi snošaj, felatio i kunilingus započeo je tako, blagoslovom Badela. Možda bi alkohol trebalo prodavat kao eliksir ljepote, seksualne privlačnosti, uništavanja inhibicija i tajni napitak hrabrosti. Neke stvari postaju puno ljepše i prihvatljivije kada su okrunjene alkoholnom izmaglicom, dok druge postaju sve lakše i manje odvratne. A kada se probudiš ujutro sa tisućama bubnjeva Darkwooda u glavi, slamom i okusom neopisivog užasa u ustima, trljaš oči i pored sebe ugledaš Grenlandskog tuljana kako ti se smiješi iz velike rupe na krevetu pored tebe. Gledaš oko sebe i vidiš kožne korzete neopisive veličine, bičeve i čelične šipke i odjednom flashback…vjetar ti šiba lice, mašeš rukama kroz zrak, valovi, ogromni valovi, prisjećaš se mučnine i riganja sa strane, pogled dolje otkriva nepreglednu bijelu masu koja se talasa pod tobom sa kožnim krpicama na sebi, lagano podizanje glave pokazuje neopisivi užas nacerene hijene koja te gleda sa izrazom zahvalnosti u utonulim očima. Znaš da je noć bila gadna i drago ti je što se ne sjećaš detalja, ali ipak danima poslije toga iskašljavaš i između zubi iskopavaš kapitalne primjerke crnih kovrčavih dlaka koje ti samo pružaju nove užitke dok pokušavaš zadržati želudac na mjestu. Jebiga sranja se dešavaju (unatoč nekim stvarima koje se sreću u stvarnom životu ovo je izmišljeno).
Čudno alkohol djeluje ne ljude, šutljivi pričaju, razgovorljivi seru bez zaustavljanja, mamini sinovi postaju klošari, a djevice se okreću drugim horoskopskim znakovima. Dok neki samo grle i ljube ostatak čovječanstva ili pokušavaju poševiti susjedovog kokera, drugi postaju kuražni i nasilni i liječe svoje djetinje frustracije na klincima iz susjedstva.
Naravno najbolje ide uz klopu ali ne bilo koju…uglavnom uz onu masnu narezanu pod 45 ili uz onu koja se radi na otvorenom plamenu, onako po primitivno. Jeste primijetili to kod roštilja i uglavnom pripadnika muške populacije, skupljaju se oko vatre ko muhe oko govana. Naravno svako u ruci ima i bocu/čašu omiljenog mu intoksicirajučeg sredstva koje voli povremeno zaliti po žari da primiri plamen (molimo ne pokušavati sa rakijom i drugim pićima sa visokim postotkom alkohola u sebi) ili samo zato što misli da će tako biti finije. Svi vole roštilj (čast iznimkama koje dane provode na brodovima spašavajući ugrožene morske sisavce), svi vole zamastiti bradu i navaliti na mesinu i luk bez ikakvih inhibicija, i sve to zaliti hladnim pivom. A sama priprema, to je već poseban užitak…sjekire, noževi, ogromne viljuške, cijepanje drva, izmišljanje marinada i lov na meso po okolnim šumarcima. Obično ako se radi kroz nekoliko dana prvi dan loži se drveni ugljen, briketi naravno, potpaljuje se hepo kockama ili plamko vatrom u boci, peče se meso već kupljeno pripremljeno, svi su čisti i uredni, priča se o autima, ženama i sportu. Drugi dan vatra se pali stari novinama i triješćem te ostacima ugljena sa dna vreće, vadi se meso iz zamrzivača i nabrzaka se izmišlja neka kombinacija ulja, luka i začina, viljuške su pogubljene i vade se noževi, što đepni što lovački, koljački, svi su lagano mamurni a Pero ima oderano koljeno, priča se o autima, motorima, ženama, oružju i sportu a Pero spominje i dalekoistočnu filozofiju. Treći dan vatra se loži kremenom i kresivom, bacaju se bukovi panjevi i čeka se da se stvori žar, poneki još imaju mesa sa sobom dok ostatak prilazi sa horizonta, krvavih ustiju vukući za sobom tele koje su zaklali pola kilometara dalje od vikendice kod starog Joze misleći da je zapravo srna, jedini začini su vegeta i dobra volja, tele se nabrzaka odere i istrančira i posakriva u šatore, najbolji dijelovi se peku odmah i jedu polusirovi, Pero spominje da bi mogli ispeći i njegove ši-take gljive i dobiva pored koljena i oguljeno čelo, svi su pripiti i priča se autima, motorima, seksu, politici i filozofiji a netko započinje priču o postanku svemira. Četvrti dan su svi pijani ko guzice, vatre se pali dugo i mukotrpno sa dnom razbijene boce rakije kao povećalom, samo još jedna nož nije izgubljen pri noćašnjoj partiji „bacanja noževa u drvo“, stari narodni sport, nešto smrdi, tele se pokvarilo, dijelovi koji su preostali se izdvajaju i bacaju na roštilj iako vatra još gori visoko a i smrdi na spaljenu gumu, razgovor se prvih 5 minuta bazira na artikuliranim riječima, sve poslije su samo iskonski zvukovi: gr, argh, ugh, aaaahhh i zvukovi vršenja tjelesnih funkcija popraćeni gromoglasnim smijehom, Pero je pobjegao jer je sinoć dobio batina kad je pokušao još jednom ispeći svoje ši-take pored krmenadle (odbijam reći da su to karmenadle). Peti dan svi odlaze kući, e zbog jednog vanjskog prijeloma potkoljenice, opekotina trečeg stupnja ni starog joze koji je sinoć pucao po njima u potrazi za kravom već zato što nema više alkohola.

Što je pisac ovim htio reći…ne znam ni sam, ali eto ispalo je tako kako je, pazite kako pijete ne pretjerujte ni u čemu, za roštilje vam je najbolji svinjski vrat, ne zazirite od kotlovine dobra je i čak i povrće može biti fino sa roštilja uz uvjet da se servira uz 8 puta veću količinu mesa i da je po mogućnosti povrće u pitanju luk. Ne budite nasilni kad pijete i kad već koljete srndače u tuđim štalama začepite jadnom teletu usta i učinite to brzo jer danas puno ljudi ima oružje.

Pozdravlja vas Gospodar Majmuna!!!!wavemah

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srijeda, 07.03.2007.

misno vino, šora, ševa i mačevanje, malo s malo m, malo s&m, ma neka sve je to za mlade ima tu i jedan mali od palube Mihalj ga zovu, lud mali ko šiba, voli da mlati sa onijem bičevima, korbačima ta današnja mladež

Pozdrav mali djeliću nacije, dame i gospodo, dječaci, djevojčice i osobe između spolova, protuhe i bitange, ribe i crvi. To sam ja tvoj muž….ne sori drugi film, ovdje jedan te isti Gospodar Majmuna i viših primata , zaštitnik ježeva junfa, nisam popularan ko Oliver Mlakar ni lijep ko Zlatko Gotovac, ne mogu popiti ko Šeks ali zato mogu srat kao svi oni zajedno, ali ja taj dar ne trošim na obećavanje kula i gradova ili na uštogljene govore o nagradama i našem novom kvisku….ja sam tu da uljepšam svoj a zgadim vaš život.
Dakle ja, gore spomenuti kročio sam zemljom sjena i smrti, pretrpio strah i jezu tamne strane života, ušao u crkvu i izašao živ…Da dragi moji, istina je, bio sam u crkvi i sada kao jedan od rijetkih preživjelih dovukao sam svoje beživotno tijelo do radnog stola i teškom mukom pravednika pišem sada ove riječi očajnika. S boli u prstima i šupljinom među ušima pišem vam ovu pripovijest.
Bilo je to ljeta gospodnjeg 1984. (zapravo bila je jesen ali nećemo cjepidlačiti), dan je bio tmuran i kišovit, munje su parale nebo, brda su se tresla a ženskinje padale u nesvijest. Medicinska sestra je vrisnula kad joj je doktor turnio prst u dupe, nespretno promašivši rupu (ah ta dodatna maziva), dok su oni kopulirali u spremištu za metle i sanitarne potrepštine, u susjednoj prostoriji se odvijala vjekovna drama. Doktor je užasom u očima podigao krvavu, migoljeću masu ispod plahte i pljesnuo dijete po licu, Gospodar Majmuna je došao na svijet (naravno u to vrijeme je onaj šupak Tarzan još bio popularan pa toga nitko nije bio svjestan).
Ali da ne duljim, nedavno išao ja u crkvu, ne pitajte zašto, poveliko pseudogotičko zdanje sa velikim hrastovim vratima na ulazu, ulaz taman i prijeteći u startu, osjećam lagano peckanje dok mi se dlake na vratu podižu u strahu dok očekujem 90 metarski zvonik da mi se sruči na glavu u gnjevu božjem. Spretnim majmunolikim refleksima izbjegavam onu kamenu kadicu di babe peru ruke kad ulaze unutra i onda se time mackaju po čelu, čovjek bi očekivao da će institucija koja postoji gotovo 2000 godina smoči sredstva da u svaku crkvu stavi barem jedan, makar najjeftiniji lahor sapun i ako ništa drugo onu pizdariju na zidu što ti piri po rukama da misliš kako ih suši (iako preferiram papirnate ručnike u lokalima). Pogledam oko sebe oko mene sve u mramoru i granitu, neki šareni prozori (kao nema se novaca za ubožnice i javne kuhinje heh), ljudi sjede u redovima po jedan ,sa razmakom minimalno jednog mjesta između dvoje ljudi (mjesto zajedništva i međuljudske solidarnosti). Tamo negdje naprijed odvojeno od ostalog puka na povišenom stoji sredovječni muškarac u kožnom mantilu sa malim od palube privezanim psećom ogrlicom sa nitnama i niklovanim lancem za zid, koji ga poslužuje. U prostoriju ulazi blijeda ženska u uskoj kožnoj haljini, hladnih očiju gleda po prisutnima iz torbe vadi kokoš i najboljoj Ozzyevskoj maniri odgrize joj glavu.Muškarac skida jednim potezom mantil i ostaje u uskom kožnom trikou sa otvorima na guzici, stavlja sunčane naočale (one Top Gun) i kožnu šapku, iz dijelova koji se ne smiju imenovati vadi crvenu kuglu koju si stavlja u usta i veže oko glave. Ženska sada krvavih usana skida svoju haljinu i ostaje samo u gumenim lakiranim tangama sa čeličnim šiljcima posutim po intimalijama (joj da me Klaić čuje), psećoj ogrlici, sličnoj onoj u malog od palube, i visokim čizmama na ekser petama (ovo mislim doslovno), na glavu navlači kožnu pilotsku kapu ala Grunf i spušta zaštitne naočale. Onaj muški se saginje po bič na podu, pritom otkrivajući u punoj slavi one guzne otvore na trikou što mami osmijeha na lice gerijatričnih baba koje sada već sline , klečeći na uskim, tvrdim drveni klupama koje potiču na samoodricanje gebisi ispadaju i zvone na hladnom mramoru, njihovi partneri isto tako fosilni djedovi, brišu paučinu sa đepova i vade malene plave pilulice iz mucica sa dna ne skidajući pogled sa ženskinje u koži dok oblizuje kokošju krv oko usta. Kokoš trči bez glave po crkvi kako to već samo kokoši znaju raditi, nitko na nju ne obraća pozornost. Plameni jezici se lagano dižu iza stola pored S&M para u koji svi bulje. Muški daje bič malom od palube i on ga automatski svom snagom sa osmijehom na licu počinje udarati, kao da se osvećuje šupku što mu nikada ne daje misnog vina, ženska na to reagira i vadi svoj kratki jahači bič i pridružuje se malom od palube i zatim….
Ne nije bilo tako, nisam bio u takvoj crkvi. Doduše da je možda bi obratio pozornost na ono šta trkelja onaj transvestit u suknji, kraljica noći heh. Uglavnom on je nešto baljezgario o vrijednostima nekim , vjerojatno (iskreno da kažem ne znam), bilo je malo i pjevanja po običaju vječnih hitova i najljepših pjesama naše mladosti, ne to nije crveno dugme ni bijeli valjak a bogami ni parna jabuka, to s depresivni hitovi u kojima cvile srca a meni uši jer je jedan postariji gospodin iza mene odlučio da će se taj dan izraziti svojim impresivnim vokalnim sposobnostima, recimo samo da su svi psi u tom dijelu grada vjerojatno obavili malu nuždu željeli to ili ne. Naravno bio je tu i mali od palube, također u haljini, posluživao glavnog u haljini donoseći mu vino i krekere. Ne kontam zašto suknje…što ne bi bio u hlačama i to još ima čipku na sebi koja je totalno out kao i oni dugački šalovi od satena i to onak sve sa onim odvratnim zlatnim čašama to je tako passe. Zašto onda kad već nose suknje ne puste i ženske da služe misu, pretpostavljam da bi ne imale brkove i nosile bi hlače, one plave od radnih odijela sa mrljama od motornog ulja.
A klinke od palube bi imale plave kapice sa propelerom i tregerice također vrlo rano bi razvijale umjetnost uzgoja facijalnih dlaka. Sve je to meni malo u kurcu, hrpa gerijatrije, mirisa istog, lažnog morala i prevelik prostor za grijanje zimi….
Do sljedeće dogodovštine, poslije ovoga vjerojatno putopisna drama „Vikend u paklu“

Pozdravi od Gospodara Majmuna

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