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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.
The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."
The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."
Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."
The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."
Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"
Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."
Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."
Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."
Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."
Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."
The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."
Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."
Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."
Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."
Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."
Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."
Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."
Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."
Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."
Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."
Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."
Head
Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"
Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."
Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."
Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."
Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."
Potato
Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."
Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"
Money
Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] "...in an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"
Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."
Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"
Beer
Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."
Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"
Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"
Chains
Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."
Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."
Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."
Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."
Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."
Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"
Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."
Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."
Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."
Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."
Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."
Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."
Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"
George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."
Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."
Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"
Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."
Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."
Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."
Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."
Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."
Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."
Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."
Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."
Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."
Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."
Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."
Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."
Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."
Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."
Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.
Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."
Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."
Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."
Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."
Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."
Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."
Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."
Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"
Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."
Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"
Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."
Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."
Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."
Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."
Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."
Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."
Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."
Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."
Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'bugger'."
Blackadder's Christmas Carol
Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."
The Black Adder
(episodes 1-5)
The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.
"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.
Blackadder II
"Bells"
Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.
From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.
"Head"
His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.
"Potato"
Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered bugger-all.
"Money"
Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.
"Beer"
Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.
"Chains"
Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.
Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.
Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A monarch with panache,
Blackadder,
Blackadder
He's got a nice moustache
Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A dog who's got his bone,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A bastard on the throne
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
His beard is neatly curled,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
He's going to rule the world
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blog o ničemu,ama baš ničemu ....
Oprostite za ponekad nečitljive i povremene totalno nerazumljive riječi, rečenice i druge natpise. To je rezultat mojeg krajnjeg nemara za pravopis i ustroj rečenice kombinirano sa mojom brzopletošću na tastaturi s kojom se i dan-danas ne znam služiti...
unarprijed se ograđujem od svih uvredljivih sadržaja koje ćete možda pročitati ovdje...sav govor mržnje koji možda pročitate ovdje, je čisti nesporazum, čudna pogreška kod copy-paste operacija...mejk lav nat vor ,end mejk mor litl bučrz...
šunka, kobasica, kulen, čvarci, švargl, pećenica, slanina....u pozi 69
Sjedim ispred ekrana sa masnim osmijehom razvučenim preko face i osjećajem zadovoljstva…ne držim kurac u rukama, nisam na drogama, od sinoć sam se otrijeznio i nisam izvršio postalkoholnu defekaciju i da još jednom naglasim ne šećem biskupa, ne šamaram majmuna, i ne igram se „medo ima glavu-medo nema glavu“. Upravo sam imao testnu konzumaciju svojih suhomesnatih proizvoda, kobasice su već odavno zadovoljile standarde staroga mesoždera, a sada su na red došle slanine, pečenice i komadi mišića istrgnutih iz lešina mrtvih krmaka…i prezadovoljan sam. Kako je krenulo i Kulen (ne suhomesnati proizvod,već moj ljubimac i naj jebač među krmcima s ove strane Mississippija, budući suhomesnati proizvod) bi mogao najebati i završiti…pa kao kulen.
Mnogo je lijepo to konzumiranje mesine, ali jebiga sad je sve što možeš pojest ili brže od tebe ili šugavo…krave, pa krave su popizdile već odavno, hranili ih mljevenim kostima njihovih kolegica i sad ništa neobično nije vidjeti kravu kako sjedi na drvetu i karta remi sa kartama za tarot sa svojim imaginarnim prijateljem ljubičastim ovnom dok ispijaju hektolitre pina colade, što je naravno ludost jer svi znaju da ljubičasti ovnovi ne znaju kartati remi pa ni sa kartama za tarot a krave su alergične na kokos, što samo ilustrira ozbiljnost situacije u kojoj se nalazimo. Svinje su dobile kugu, i to ne ovu pičkin dim, bubonsku, raspadaju mi se pluć i imam čireve po cijelom tijelu kugu, već ovu ozbiljnu svinjsku, klasičnu, vulgaris domesticus kugu. Naravno kad mi ne cijepimo više protiv toga kao ni Europa, ali Europa nema ni kulena ni čvaraka, i sad u svakom seli ima po jedan krmak koji obilazi svinjce obučen u crnu mantiju sa maskom vrane ispunjene aromatičnim travama, u jednoj ruci mu kadilo i sveta vodica, a u drugoj užarena šipka ( a ne to je bilo za sifilis, odvratno, ali nema veze lijepo zvuči) i tako putuje po vukojebinama, guzi krmače u zamjenu za lijek protiv kuge. A i ptice, ove domaće koke đubretare kao i one fine uzgojene koje žive kao u zatvoru sa maksimalnim osiguranjem , ove što ih hrane vlastitim suhim govnima pomiješanim sa smjesom, zajedno sa patkama, guskama, purama (to su one glupe ptice što im visi njaki kurac preko kljuna)…sve gripu podobijalo, jadni seljaci pod ruku sa svjetskim korporacijama masovna sredstva troše na aspirine i vitamin c, gripovit i čudotvorni čaj od madagaskarskih povijuša ne bi li spustili kokoškama temperaturu.
unatoč tome što vi mislite, ne ovo nije proces pravljenja uskršnjih jaja, ovo je zako vrač sa islanda koji drevenom tehnikom iz koke đubretare istjeruje zlo ptičje gripe utjerujući joj dobro
Šta nam ostaje za žderu na kraju, metiljave ovce i šugave koze (nemam ništa protiv janjetine i jaretine al´ dopizdi nakon nekog vremena), divljač je prebrza, ko će kupovat puške da ih umlati…jedino autom. Paštete i salame znamo od čega se prave, zajedno sa hrenovkama, jeste fino ali je govno, dobro sve je to feces u nastajanju.
Ali zato u Sarajevu po novome prave čevape od selđuka i pasa lutalica iz šinteraja…ne nemojte mi se sada zgražati, pa općim mu sa majkom ne može dvije milijarde kineza griješiti, a i šta mislite da se „hot dog“ zove vrući pas iz zajebancije? Doduše nikada mi nije bilo jasno zašto u hot dogu baš uvijek dobijem isti dio psa. Dakle po čakiju i odite pomilovati susjedovog šnaucera.
lice koje ne može ni majka voljeti,gadan doduše ali kažu ukusan na žaru sa bambusovim klicama i sezonskim povrćem
Tu je naravno i riba, ova riječnog varijeteta, ako ju ne znaš napraviti ne toliko zanimljiva (uz par iznimaka) za jesti koliko za loviti, nema toliko trčanja, koliko sjedenja na gajbi toplog piva, i ona morska uz iznimku jeftine plave i tu i tamo rijetko bijele ribe, skuplja od pravog mesa.(čak u sezoni naplaćuju fureštima i srdele po 25-30 kuna za kilu), i samim time uglavnom manje prisutna u našim želucima. Tu su naravno i neizbježne gadosti mora u kojima toliko uživam, račići, hobotnice, lignje, kojekakvove školjke, pizdice i druga gmizajuće i puzajuća stvorenja stvorena od strane svemogućega za moj gurmanski užitak. Ako se pita neke indijce imamo i sveprisutni izvor proteina u obliku slatkog mesa glodavaca koje svi toliko volimo, štakora, drugi puta kad idete u pet shop obavezno ponesite i kuharicu, jer osim štakora, tu su i hrčci, činčile, zamorci, gušteri, paukovi, zmije i mnogi drugi pomodni kućni ljubimci koji će sasvim fino poslužiti u nadolazećim vremenima gladi i mesne oskudice. Nikako nemojte zaboraviti zečeve i one slatke male mini kuniće (nikada neću shvatiti kako netko može dati stotinjak kuna za 20 dekagrama zečetine koja m piša po stanu), istina je da izgleda kao mačka kad se odere ali zecovi su mnogo fini, a ako se i zajebete sa mačkom…jebiga ne kaže se talijanski zec za đaba…
Pozdravi i puni želuci od Gospodara Majmuna
Evo mene opet…znam, znam…“ko te jebe pederu šta se javljaš koji kurac, nikoga nije briga za tebe umri mukom tisuću smrti“ al jebiga to tako mora biti.
Nakon koncerta Leb i Sol, u kojem sam nemalo uživao praveći se da učim za ispit, prebacih ja na hrvatsku filijalu troslovne, njemačke televizijske kuće kad ono „Zvijezde ekstra“, pred kraj, znam da nije kul ko veliki buraz ili strašljivi faktor ali jebiga. Tema dana je bila nešto u vezi mode, ja naravno kao neosporni modni guru, uber meister modnih pisti i beglerbeg svega toga naravno morao gledat. Istina nemam život i to je pomalo gej ali jednostavno ne možeš a da se ne zapitaš, čemu sve to. Kao da gledaš dokumentarac „Ta divna, mršava, gay stvorenja“ ja mislio da smo mi puni stereotipa, čupavi rockeri, metalci i punkeri loču u parku pišaju na drveće i potiču međužensku ljubav, ali ovo je još gore. Doduše nema nikoga tko je čupav i pijan piša po drveću, oni kad se napiju pišaju u zdjele za punč i češće konzumiraju doručak olfaktivno, svaki ali baš svaki modni dizajner kojeg sam vidio na dalekovidnici je…dobro možda nije ali definitivno izgleda, onako pomalo, pa kako da kažem a da bude politički korektno…pa kao da više voli vidit pišu nego boga… Možda je to stvarno trpanje (hehe čujem da je ta riječ popularna među stilistima i modnim dizajnerima) ljudi u predefinirane koševe, isticanje klišeja i uopćavanje. Vrlo lako moguće…ali jebiga kad svi izgledaju gay, svi od sasušenog starčića po imenu Pier sa malim nacrtanim brčićima do onog crnog 150 kilaša. Kontam si da je to sada jedan od zahtjeva da bi ušao u te krugove...zato i biraju one manekenke od 10 do 35 kilograma, porcijašice, po jedna za pod ruku, izduženi kosturi na čačkalicama, izmorenog, ispijenog junkie looka, sve samo da ne podsjeća na ženskinju, bez oblih dijelova i sa udubinama na krivim mjestima…jebiga da su popunjenije prošle bi pod gotičarke. Zato je muški dio…mislim ovaj izložni dio, a ne ovaj konceptualni gay dio, onako tipično mačo, zalizani digić pod ruku sa visokim plavim nordijcem svi sa kornjačama na stomaku bez ijedne dlačice na tijelu…nema brade, dlaka na prsima, slavonske pločice (to vam je slično kao i pločice nabildane ali je samo jedna, mekša je i proteže se cijelim stomakom) i zamagljenog pivskog pogleda izgubljenog pijanca.
Naravno dotakli se oni i onih zelenjavih, anti krznenih…PETA se trebuju. Naravno oni su vam kao vegetarijanci ali ne samo da ne jedu ta divna stvorenje nego ih ni ne nose…ja se totalno slažem sa tim, tko ne jede životinje ne mora ih ni nositi. Zato s druge strane stojimo mi ljubitelji životinja na tanjuru, okrutni krvoloci koji ne prežu od proždiranja lešina i zagrtanja u predmete od kože (krzno mi baš nije milo, čist mi je neukusno a i ne bi trebalo loviti životinje samo za to, ove iz uzgoja neka deru koliko hoće). I onda kažu da ne volim životinje, uopće nije istina…obožavam životinje otkada znam držati nož i vilicu.
Ali eto mijenjaju se stvari, novine pišu o manekenkama koje putuju na pasatnim vjetrovima između kontinenata i modnih revija, Paris-Milan-New York preko pošte u koverti, ima nekog smisla ta anoreksija, uštediš na hrani, cugi, odjeći,nakon nekog vremena možeš nositi samo čarapu ako je nategneš dovoljno…sve više mladih mankenki kada dosegnu zrelost na argentinskim pampama se dobrovoljno liječi od mršavosti i priznaju same sebi da moraju jesti i prestati srat u vrećice i rigat u tegle. Ali neke stvari ostaju nepromjenljive..unatoč trudu moje razgranate obavještajne mreže po zoološkim vrtovima svijeta dan-danas nije pronađen niti jedan mužjak dizajnersko-fešn guru-stilista uvjerenja sposoban i voljan na reprodukciju sa ženskim osobama suprotnog spola na tradicionalni način, jebiga dešava se. Naravno ostaju one dizajenrke ženske, ali jebiga to sve nešto avangardno nimalo ljudsko, gore od manekenki, čast mladim iznimkama.
Vidit ćete jednog dana, postat će popularan taj čovjekoliki majmun look, porno glumci će opet imati brkove, dlakava prsa i pivsku škembu, a porno dive dlakavu *****, ah te osamdesete, kad je madona imala obrve i pola muške populacije, kad je avion koštao jednu crvenu kod poljaka, kad je čunga-lunga bila cool, a Jean Claude Van Damm dobar glumac…vrijeme loših zurki, šokantne glazbe, bratstva i jedinstva i manekenki sa sisama…
Pozdrav svima od Gospodara Majmuna!!!
PS. Budite nježni bit će boljih postova
Četrdeset i sedam…47 postova dosada izašlo je iz ograničenog uma Gospodara Majmuna, hrpa je to velika gramatičkih pogreški, loše strukture rečenice, katastrofalnog pravopisa što namjernog što slučajnosti, produkti dosade i potrebe za uporabom riječi iz Klaićevih sabranih djela…Pitam se ponekad što me natjera na tako šta, je li bilo stvarno toliko dosadno u mom životu da sam počeo pisati blog…i zašto baš takve stvari, zašto vrijeđanje i pljuvanje po stvarima koje ne razumijem i razmišljanjima koja su drugačija od mojih, osim činjenice da je bilo zabavno i smiješno i nadasve zanimljivo (barem meni) nema drugog razloga, a nema ni neke grižnje savjesti. Istina nisam pljuvao po nečemu, „zar je moguće da je popljuvao sve što je bilo moguće popljuvati?“, pitate se vi. Ne, samo mi se ne da, vjerojatno je to samo faza koja će prolazi i opet se vraća poput teškog slučaja genitalnog herpesa (zato djeco bez gumice nema razmjene tjelesnih tekućina).
Iza mene su seksualne frustracije, putovanja pustopoljinama i vukojebinama, gay junaci najdražih nam stripova, omalovažavanja estradnih zvijezda, zračenje i otkazivanje uro-genitalnog trakta, nebrojeno spominjanje fekalija velikih i malih, mekanih i tvrdih, pa čak i jedan slučaj općenja sa životinjama od strane dragog mi prijatelja i žrtve nasilja od strane napaljenog vepra, Johna Uhida, thunderstruckovi i starci u tramvaju….sve je to bilo.
I šta sada…što sada raditi i o čemu sada pisati? O jatima anđela sa čvrstim zategnutim tijelima, grudima koje prkose gravitaciji i zavodljivim osmijehom na njihovim lascivnim licima (NE, bolesnici jedni, ne razmišljam o transvestitskim, ši-mejl, jenny with a ding-dong, anđelima…to ostavljam jednom drugom prijatelju. To su ženski anđeli…o da postoje i takvi, a ne samo oni mali debeli sa strelicama koje vam servira crkva, te su izmislili pedofili) dok oblijeću oko mene sa bocama piva, mašu bijelim krilima i seru po spomenicima u parku zajedno sa golubovima. A s druge strane paklene horde…demoni, vragovi opisa identičnog onom anđela, ali malo preplanule puti i tamnih očiju u jednoj ruci nose paklenski trozub a u drugoj plastičnu bocu jeftinog vina i bingo kole dok se oko njih vijore paklene vatre a zrak ispunjava teški smrad sumpora i nebrojeni flatusi debelih kamionđija koji su jeli grah. Da ga jebeš kad rikneš ne možeš manit…u najgorem slučaju više ništa neće boljeti, napokon ćemo se naspavati kako treba i za promjenu gnojiti ruže i po prvi puta biti od neke koristi…
Ili pisati o metroseksualcima, Salamanderovim satovima, glumi Emira Hađifaizbegovića, krizi na bliskom istoku, o istinama i lažima Da vincijevog koda, glupim plavušama kuratim crncima i drugim klišejima, bundama od činčila i uplašenim poliesterima koji trče usamljeno po argentinskim pampama zazivajući majku koju gaučo dere ko čoban ovcu, pisati o nebrojenim satima sa kurcem u rukama, posveta prvoj ljubavi…šta ja znam, sve pomalo prožvakano, israno, lagano proprano pod mlazom mlake vode i opet sažvakano. Nema više ni štafeta ni nasukanih kitova čak je i Žak omršavio da ne bi više o čemu imali pisati, ošlo sve u kurac.
Nemojte me krivo shvatiti nisam depresivan samo blokiran, ne opstipiran nego onako mentalno…lete štuke, lete avioni a mali debeli, ljubičasti švabe padaju poput pahulja iz neba i plešu na vjetru mašući svojim malim zastavicama nezasluženih rukometnih prvaka u jednoj ruci i sa šmajserom u drugoj, a dole ih čeka papa-nazi i pozdravlja svoj narod prije nego dođe kod nas i pouči nas putevima tamne sile…e moj Yoda.
Serem ko grlica nakon noći bambusa, mlijeka i kivija…čudan je postao svijet, ni pijanke više nisu kao što su nekoć bile sada ljudi i blago pripiti rigaju krv po parkovima dok ih drugi sa strane bodre i hrabre, nema više mjesečine sa hotela Osijek, nema poduplanih bandera i učetverostručenih vilenjaka koji stoje u zraku dok se svijet okreće oko tebe, držeći bijele miševe u rukama koji dozivaju ružičaste slonove dok puštaju toksično zelen mjehuriće ispod repa….ode…uf ovo je gadna kenjaža postala odoh ja spavat prije nego što počnem nešto smisleno pisati.
Pozdrav od Gospodara Majmuna
