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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.

The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."

The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."

Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."

Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."

The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."

Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"

Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."

Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."

Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."

Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."

Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."

The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."

Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."

Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."

Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."

Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."

Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."

Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."

Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."

Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."

Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."

Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."

Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"

Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."

Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."

Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."

Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."

Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."

Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"

Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] " an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"

Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."

Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"

Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."

Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"

Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"

Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."

Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."

Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."

Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."

Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."

Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"

Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."

Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."

Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."

Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."

Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."

Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."

Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"

George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."

Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."

Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"

Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."

Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."

Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."

Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."

Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."

Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."

Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."

Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."

Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."

Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."

Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."

Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."

Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."

Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."

Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.

Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."

Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."

Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."

Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."

Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."

Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."

Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."

Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"

Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."

Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"

Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."

Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."

Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."

Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."

Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."

Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."

Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."

Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."

Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'ber'."

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."

The Black Adder

(episodes 1-5)

The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.

"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.

Blackadder II

Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.

From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.

His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.

Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered ber-all.

Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.

Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad, Black Adder, I thought that he had died.
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.

Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.

Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.

A monarch with panache,
He's got a nice moustache

Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.

A dog who's got his bone,
A bastard on the throne

His beard is neatly curled,
He's going to rule the world

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ponedjeljak, 29.01.2007.

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Lijenim pokretima polusnenog troprstog tipavca (tipavac=lijenivac), naš misteriozni junak dovlači se do svoje Čin Bao linije treće generacije sa čitačem SD kartica i integriranim mp4 plejerom i digitalno-analognim konverterom basova. Ubacuje staru kazetu (sjećate se onih crnih BASF od 90 minuta) sa natpisom „narodna turbo“. Nova linija vrti staru, izlizanu kazetu i uz pucketavi zvuk polako se razvija ritam iz 8 sistemskih zvučnika novog Čin Bao-a dok platinasta plavuša zamamnih oblina i siromašnog vokalnog talenta ne zajauče. Dovlači se do radnog stola oblijepljenog sličicama sa svjetskog nogometnog prvenstva 94, sjeda za njega i pali svoju vjernu kompjuter mašinu i odlazi na defekaciju dok se sustav ne digne. Nakon poštene defekacije s osjećajem ponosa u grudima i mirisom dreka u nosnicama sjeda nazad za kompjuter. Metiljavim očima pregledava to njemu i dalje misteriozno čudo tehnike. Priključuje se na mrežu svih mreža i odlazi na svoju najdražu chat stranicu i kosturolikim prstima izgladnjelog indijskog mistika ukucava svoj nick „Đhon25cm“, osmjehuje se,sam je smislio taj nadimak i bolji je od onih gay amerikaniziranih, ovaj je naš domaći, a njemu je stari uvijek govorio da je domaće najbolje- glazba,šljiva i žene.
U isto vrijeme dvije ulice dalje…
Vekerica (budilica, onaj sat što zvoni kad mu naredite) zvoni u pola 11. s velikom snagom uma otvara svoje krmeljave oči, poput zen majstora dalekog istoka, i trlja ih svojim sarmastim prstićima. Nitko ju nije probudio da ide u školu, mora da stara opet radi prvu. Teškom mukom diže svoju stražnjicu sa razjebanog kreveta (razjebala ga je prošli tjedan kad je Milica došla kod nje pa joj je ona na krevetu pokazivala svoju imitaciju one ženske iz kolonije, nekad je htjela biti poput nje, pa je ženska počela duvat bijelo i omršavila…sada pokušava dostići Žaka) usput podižući posteljinu ukliještenu između njenih guzova. Ovlaž baca pogled na također razjebanu vagu pored kreveta, izgleda poput životinje koju je udario FAP kljunaš dok joj federi vire iz tijela od ojačanog visoko-karbonskog čelika. Odlazi u kloaku na jutarnji ritual pročišćavanja kojem ju je podučila tetka Marija kad je došla sa ljetovanja na Maldivima, tada je prvi put čula riječi genitalni herpes kad je tetka pričala sa starom, i usput kupi novi primjerak Glorie sa stola.
Vraća se u sobu i pali svoje state of the art (tako ga je nazvala tetka Marija kad ga je donijela iz Njemačke) računalo. Sustav se diže paklenskom brzinom i ugodni glasić ju pozdravlja sa njene mašine, spaja se najbržim Maxim ADSL Mrvica paketom na internet i odlazi na svoju najdražu chat stranicu i logira se nadimkom „c@rica90-60-90“ dok uredska fotelja od jazavčevih kožica koju je stari donio sa safarija cvili pod njenom pozamašnom stražnjicom.

Da ne dužimo sa pričom više nego što je potrebno, naši junaci su se našli u bespućima chat sobe po imenu „sami i poželjni“ i uz duge peripetije i prepucavanja sa drugim korisnicima imena kao što su „voajer14+“, „anica_volim_u_guzu“ i „oral4u“, o raznim fetišima, parafilijama i spolno prenosivim bolestima i kako ih izbjeći tako da svršiš po stomaku, Đhon25cm (dalje u tekstu poznat kao „on“) i c@arica90-60-90 (u daljnjim redcima „ona“) odlučiše se za jedan prajvet čet.
Naravno kao i na svakom dobrom private chatu, ona je 175 cm visoka plavuša mjera poput onih u njezinom nicku, a on je preplanuli intelektualac, doktor koji sluša Šajkovskog i igra šah sa umirovljenicima kada ne spašava malu djecu u kliničkoj bolnici u središtu New Yorka. Ona je zanosan studentica bio-inženjeringa i jednog dana otkriti će lijek protiv neželjene trudnoće, da bi saznala da on već radi na tome. Uz navlačenje i verbalno prepucavanje, ona izusti one četiri riječi koje je želio čuti
-Jesi li za sajber?
Na što on spremnošću alpske divokoze u doba parenja sa žarkim sjajem u očima, koji se btw poklapao sa pjesmom na njegovoj Čin Bao liniji…“neka se oči sjaje kao varnice“, prihvaća ko šaka debelo, riječima:
-pa ako očeš.
Počinju sa laganim verbalnim golicanjem mašte, strasti se rasplamsavaju i u razgovor se uključuju koža i čelik.
-joj tako sam se ovlažila-reče ona
-jes boga ti men se digo-na to će on, ne vjerujući svojoj sreći da sajberiše sa prelijepom studenticom bio-inženjeringa, joj kako bi joj svašta radio…poslala mu je i sliku, liči na onu glumicu što je glumila u onom filmusa onim malim starcem s naočalama, kako se zove vudi alen ili tak nešt…ma nije ni važno, kako li je dobra.
-oš ti meni poslat svoju sliku-upita ona dok joj se znoj u potocima slijeva niz leđa, baš joj je krenulo, doktor iz nju jorka koji sluša klasiku i spašava djecu..joj sigurno je dražestan.
-oh pa znaš…nemam ni jednu na kompujteru a digitalac sa 18 megapikslova mi riknuo, ja ti ko onaj Đorđ Kluni izgledam slično dosta, baš su me zamijenili š njim kad sam išo kupit mljeko na bazar.
-ah pa dobro…piši mi još malo šta bi mi radio-na to će ona
Ne da mi se više pisat toliko…da skratim…napaljivali se jedno vrijeme tako on i ona, dok ne mogaše izdržati više. Pozdraviše se on s njom i onako napaljen s šatorom age hasanage razapetim u hlačama brzo sjedne na djedov stari „Rog Partizan“ i pravac k svojoj neuglednoj planini od žene, neugledna je i pomalo se čuje kad se oznoji ali blizu je i starci imaju para, a tu je i ona tetka što putuje po svijetu, a i zahvalna je kad joj pruži onih 2 minute užitka. Dokazi zajapuren u licu i zvoni na vrata.

Tužna što je preplanuli doktor iz NY prekinuo tako naglo njihov sajber miting…al jebiga šta ćeš možda nazove onog svog žgoljavca i pusti ga da joj se zavuče pod pazuh. Netko zvoni na vrata. Polako ustaje iz svoje uredske fotelje od jazavčevih kožica koju je stari donio sa safarija koja joj uzvraća sa zahvalnom škripom olakšanja. Gega se do ulaznih vrata i zadihano otvara vrata.

Sa vrata ju zaskoči njezin dragi, štrkljavi muškarac (jebiga ko bira masturbira) i udari svom silinom u nju,jebiga nije doktor sa Manhattana već đabalebaroš iz susjedstva ali bolje išta nego ništa kako kaže njena mama „birač-otirač“, na što ga ona podiže i odnese u sobu na svoj razjebani krevet. A stari Rog Partizan njegovog djede ostaviše na ulazu. Leže ona ne ostatke kreveta i zadigoše spavačicu a on brže-bolje skine hlače i uroni u more znoja i dvije minute užitka dok se nervozo trzao među njenim ogromnim bijelim bedrima…zaspao je na njenom mekom, okruglom trbuhu, sa smješkom na licu sanjajući o mladoj studentici bio-inženjeringa dok je daleko u pozadini Senna M, nekoć poznat kao Senad od Bosne, pjevao TUC-TUc-Tuc-tuc….

Znam nema baš previše smisla i pomalo je glupo, al eto baš mi danas palo na pamet dok, sam učio za ispit, kako su na netu svi lijepi i zgodni…jebiga..i predugačko je ali bar nisam učio dok sam pisao…

Ajd pozdrav od Gospodara Majmunawavemah

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utorak, 16.01.2007.

The štafeta..nedovršena...istina o Gospodaru Majmuna

štafeta vulgaris omladinus

Dobio sam je, imam je i ja…ne nisam dobio svoju prvu menstruaciju i ne planiram za savjet o tome kako ne ostati trudan ako ugazim u spermu slati pisma stručnom osoblju u časopisima za mladež. Dobio sam onu neku štafetu, ne sportsku naravno, ne dalo omnipotentno biće koje upravlja cijelim svijetom da se ja bavim uzaludnim trošenjem teško unesenih kalorija, nije ni štafeta mladosti za druga Hita (kao Hirohito ali manje hirovito i više začinjeno po balkanskom ukusu) maršala (pri tome se ne misli na bajna Marshall pojačala preko-barne proizvodnje), revolucionara (kako Che ali dugovječniji), ženskaroša (kao Ryker iz Enterprise, s iznimkom što nije zbario mjehur koji buši stijene,barem po mom saznanju) i kovino-tokara (za ovo nemam usporedbu) predvodnika imaginarne balkanske države SFRJ ili Satirične Federacije Republika Južneslavije.

Hito i ja

A nije niti ona štafeta o kojoj sanjaju šiparice sa konzervativnim roditeljima koji joj ne dopuštaju izlaske da ne bi zaglibila u okrutnom svijetu seksualnih perverzija, neumjerenosti u jelu i piću, pero-lakim drogama i analnom nadraživanju kao i svim ostalim grijesima u kojima uživa današnja mladež.

za solo grijeh i usamljen noći ružičasti zmaj sa analnim nadraživačem

Ne ovo je neka blog štafeta kojoj ne znam ime i da ne bi bilo daljnjih nesporazuma oslovljavat ćemo ju sa THE štafeta. Naime cilj THE štafete je otkriti općoj populaciji 5 (slovima PET) stvari koje nisu znali o vama, i zatim THE štafetu proslijediti slijedećoj 5. (slovima PETORICI) sretnika ili sretnica koji će uživati u blagodati iznošenja intimnih detalja prepunih bluda, grijeha i dendrofilije ( i jeste li znali da word ne prepoznaje riječ dendrofilija i podvlači ju, dame i gospodo u Microsoftu ne vole biljke, inače to vam je ono kad čiko dođe do omanjeg grma akacije i onda u mizernim pokušajima skonča u najtežim bolovima dok pokušava staviti svoj nježnik u duboke pukotine nedužne biljčice, ili kako bi naši stari rekli to su oni što prče zelenilo) pred oči svekolikog pučanstva u pokušaju ne bi li se svidjeli nekoj faci neke izdavačke kućice koja bi ih mogla promovirati kao nove spisateljske nade naše male/velike zemlje. Ovaj drugi, sa prosljeđivanjem, ja neću obaviti jer koliko kontam većina ljudi je ili već popušila ovaj virus ili se ne žele hrvat sa ovakvim stvarima, pa ćemo to zaboraviti, ali da stvar ne bude totalna propast ostatak ću pokušati obaviti…
Dakle gdje početi, ajmo sa osnovama:

1. Gospodar Majmuna nije 2 metarska bijela gorila sa zaraznim osmijehom i nabreklim trbuhom…Gospodar Majmuna je 172 cm visok propali zubotehničar, nesuđeni povjesničar i mizerni student promašenog fakulteta…sa nabreklim trbuhom ( u svoju obranu moram naglasiti da je to jedan od onih pivskog varijeteta)

2. Zašto baš Gospodar Majmuna…zašto da ne?!? Eto izvedenica anglo-američkog monkeylord mi je najbolje zvučala u ovoj izvedbi, i zato je kriv yahoo, pri otvaranju accounta (još jedna divna hrvtaska riječ u upotrebi hrvatskih yuppija, evo još jedna, odmah tamo pored managmenta i brain storminga) moj uber mega kul, kako bi moja anarho vegetarijanska prijateljica rekla metal-ratnički nick bio je zauzet pa sam nizom pokušaja i promašaja (ima pun nježnik korisnika i sve iole normalno je zauzeto) došao sam do monkeylorda koji je s vremenom evoluirao u današnjeg Gospodara viših primata.

3. Volim da psujem, i taj drevni hobi karakterističan za ove prostore često prakticira u razgovoru. Svi mi baždareni za ovakve stvari i spominjanje tuđe rodbine i njihovih tjelesnih šupljina, tjelesnih izlučevina, kućnih ljubimaca i raznih tjelesnih radnji i ostalih profanih stvari dolazi nam prirodno kao i obavljanje svih ostalih svakodnevnih tjelesnih funkcija. I vjerojatno smo jedan od rijetkih naroda koji se ponosi sa svojim vokabularom i kapacitetom i ljubavi prema alkoholnim proizvodima u raznim oblicima.

4. Unatoč tome što sam u svojoj ranoj mladosti često izražavao želju da postanem marinac, s vremenom me popustila želja da budem dio oružanih snaga bilo koje zemlje osim ako to nije apsolutno nužno. Možda je tome podsvjesno kumovala činjenica rata koji se desio tu negdje a možda i činjenica da nemam osobitu želju da spavam u prostoriji sa pedeset muškaraca koji pun kurac nisu vidjeli ženu, budim se u 6 ujutro da bi se bavio fizičkim aktivnostima, da mi naređuju ljudi kojima mogu držati instrukcije i da se kupam u istoj prostoriji sa onih gore navedenih 50 muškaraca. A i bio je onaj tip na moru što ga zapovjednik natjerao pištoljem da mu popuši…

5. I posljednje, mora biti nešto masno...mnogo volim mesne produkte, osim čvaraka, krvavice i svega ostalog što uključuje hrskavicu, kožice i suvišak masnog tkiva…ne to nije to…
Ne znam šta bi za kraj…ajmo malo intimno za promjenu.
Prije nekoliko dana imao sam čvimbu (prišt, vimlica, nejebica, ona govna što vam obično izbacuju po licu kad ste u godinama u kojim većinu svog slobodnog vremena provodite u wc-u s kurcem u rukama vježbajući hobi koji će vas pratiti kroz cijeli život, ili u drugom slučaju pričajući o dečkima na kavicama i mameći ih kratkim suknjicama i uživajući gledajući ih kako se trude na bilo koji način pokazati vam što još mogu s onim osim baviti se najdražim hobijem) ne na licu, na prsima, leđima i vratu, a bogami ni na mošnji, nego na velikom gluteusu, njegovom visočanstvu guzici. S oduševljenjem vam priopćavam da je pošast stražnjične čvimbe riješen brzo i veoma malo bolno jednostavnom operacijom tiskanja prije 3 dana.

To bi bilo to ako vam se ne sviđa…vaš problem…do daljnjega pozdrav svima od Gospodara Majmunamahwave

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petak, 05.01.2007.

Postporođajna depresija...dobro post novogodišnja depresija, OK nije baš depresija al´ gotovo je napokon i onda eto tako čisto da mogu nešto napisati na naslov znate da iznad svega ljubim dugačak naslov koji nema apsolutno nikakvog smisla a još ako ne sta

Evo prošle pizdarije oko Nove godine, alkohol je ispario iz naših kardio-vaskularnih sustava, neki su i dolijevali da se ne presuši a neki su se samo prepustili događaju, škembe (škemba;brocak;drob;stomačina;mješina-kolokvijalni izraz za stomak, sam izraz obično se odnosi na pivske primjerke koji mogu narasti do zavidnih ako ne i kolosalnih proporcija) se klate i pridržavaju novo narasle sise…sa hranom je dosta, barem dok se ne osuše suhomesnati proizvodi iz prethodnog posta. Ne znam jel Bajram prošao…moram se potruditi i naći barem po jednog dobrog prijatelja svakog vjerskog opredjeljenja, kontam si ako se stvarno potrudim mogao bi biti pijan i sit veći dio godine samo se povlačeći po blagdanima, slavama, kirbajima (drevna rasprava o pravilnom izgovoru riječi koja označava ovu veselu priliku se vodi još trečeg križarskog pohoda kada je taj izraz usvojen od Turaka Seldžuka i poznata je kao „kirbaj-kirvaj rasparava“), krštenjima i suničenjima…ipak sam ja mladić širokih svjetonazora i velikih mud... apetita.zujo
Nemam ništa posebno da vam priopćim jednostavno mi se prazni, mislim verbalno…literarno, s fiziološkim pražnjenjima nemam problema zasad, nisam bio prerevan sa čokoladom, bananama, suhim proizvodima od žitarica i šećera kao ni sa drugim opstipacijskim produktima, ali sam se koncentrirao jače na one proizvode blago diuretičkog učinka alkohol i kava čuda rade za probavu.
Eto koliko mi je dosadno, stravično zamorno i nezanimljivo, jedva čekam prokleti fakultet, iako mi nije draga činjenica da se moram ustajati prije 10 i gužvati se sa hordama brkatih baba i njihovih ćelavih životnih suputnika u skučenim autobusima, al jebiga to tako mora da bude…
Mislio sam skratiti vrijeme pročitavši nekoliko nekvalitetnih stranica, nekvalitetnog uratka koji se pretenciozno naziva dnevnim novinama…nema ništa ni tamo, upalim tv…nema ništa ni tamo…nema ništa. U mojoj glavi nema ništa, od milijun ideja koje je moja pijana malenkost sinoć imala u svojoj zbunjenoj i dobrano ošamućenoj glavi nije ostala ni jedna, odlepršale sa jutrom, isparile u alkoholnoj izmaglici mamurluka i neugodnog osjećaja u stomaku uz za dobar provod karakterističan okus sličan bljuvotini u u ustima. To me najviše jebe od svega, ispada da bi trebao ići okolo sa olovkom iza uha i blokićem u rukama i zapisivati konstantno sve što mi padne na pamet jer većina toga dok sjednem za kantu nekoć zvanu kompjutor (nešto kao onaj nekoć zvani umjetnik, nekad poznat kao Princ ali jadnije) jednostavno ispari…nema…nema mandarina na Antartiku….ne-ne.
Dosta više ovoga počinjem se deprimirati…do daljnjega…e da eto da ne zvocate kako Gospodar Majmuna pravi duge i zamorne postove o klanju životinja i proždiranju leševa istih, ovaj je kraći i pogodniji za mlađe uzraste.yes
Do daljnjega, pozdravi od Gospodara Majmunamahwave

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